Anon wipes his ass

Protip: You wipe after you completely finish shitting, not the entire time you’re shitting.

I get all my wipes out at the beginning of the month, that way I don’t have to waste time later on

The first week, friends still hang out.

The last 3 weeks Pepé le Pew is their only buddy.

Thanks for the shitty tip!

A shitty tip is when your partner didn’t wipe before anal

As a gay bottom (gottom™), your partner should be doing more than wiping before anal

Basic maintenance. Trim your asshole and put some lotion up there.

Spread your cheeks when you shit and if its bad really get up in there the first couple swipes. Also eat more fiber

Speak for yourself. Some of us can poop in parallel.

I love how Aubrey breaks before Chris says anything past his first line

It’s that delay, he held the next line back. Such great comedic timing!

This was when Chris Pratt was at his peak.

Parks and Rec is such a great show.

I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange

Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”

Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”

I think about that exchange more often than I should

I mean a bidet would help with tight shit as well.

A bidet is a miracle device, helps in any and all situations. Diarrhea? Solved. Constipation? Solved. Regular? Surprisingly, solved. Wanna do the front too? Can be a bit awkward but it’s got you covered (in water, of course). Washing the throne? Solved. Basic calculus? Solved. Advanced calculus? Believe it or not, solved. Taxes? Avoided. Marriage counseling? Ever since I got my bidet my wife says my “stench is less appalling”. Solved, baby. I even use it to water the garden and defend my house from intruders.

Cannot recommend enough.

Would require good water pressure. Although that’s a careful balancing act because you can go too far the other way. Then that’s an embarrassing hospital visit.

they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”

¡Duce’s Loose!

Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”

Apparently they didn’t know shit.

John Bidet, inventor of the bidet.

My house has four bathrooms and three bidets. My teenage son just won’t get on board with having a clean ass.

Maybe he has a sensitive ass.

It’s gentler than tp

Anon needs to eat more fiber

Funny how there’s always a completely moot discussion about wiping techniques or bidets when the real issue with people having to wipe 20 times is almost always diet.

If you think that’s bullshit go ahead and buy a small (for testing) pack of psyllium husk, consume two table spoons a day (in water or on top of a meal) and witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.

witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.

¡Not everybody’s got a Golden Asshole, Kyle!

Psyllium Husk tastes like dirt, try Inulin instead. It’s basically tasteless and does the exact same thing.

and probably a shave

Honestly, being constipated has always been good for not having a messy ass. It’s being regular or having diarrhea that is messy.

Eh I find truly regular isnt that messy. Its the liquid or liquids mixed with gas that get messy. True regular just slides out, sometimes so easily there isn’t even anything visible on a sheet after the first wipe.

Eventually there is blood but no shit.

Better red than bidet!

It’s the only way I can finger myself without it being gay

If “red” rhymes with “bidet” you’re highly American

This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you’re new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

Anon is often crazy.
Anon is often depressed.
Anon frequently shares thoughts that are immature, offensive, or incomprehensible.

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

Anon wipes his ass(lemm.ee)

Greentext

!greentext@sh.itjust.works

Community stats

Community moderators