I’m a bit lost here, to be fair. I went full no contact with my family back when I was 16. Took a hike, even across countries. So, apparently what happened, was my ex brother in law not keeping his mouth shut and sharing my number with my family. I still can’t make heads or tails of it. But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly. I’m not super mad at him, more at the rest of my family, but it seriously hurts right now. What am I supposed to do? I’m at a loss here. Haven’t really talked to the person for over 21 years.
Maybe cut him some slack? A lot can happen in 20 years.
If OP has made it clear he doesn’t want someone around, and they violate it by sharing phone numbers and sending texts and trying to get back in, then the family isn’t respecting boundaries and is probably why they got cut off in the first place.
Going no contact is often a last resort after a lifetime of pain. It’s nothing something people do casually.
With respect, 16 year old brains are not physically developed enough to make that decision. It’s why we don’t let them vote.
Things may look different today. I stand by my suggestion.
anyone who’s been abused as a teenager could tell your differently. your advice is wrong, sorry.
Also with due respect, your opinion is wrong. I work with badly abused people, and those that CAN escape from toxicity at the earliest have it “best”. Some could never escape. There are 12yr old who have a forced maturity that you often don’t even find in 40+ olds. Which is not really a good thing.
Please, i don’t wanna sound condescending or so, but widen your horizon in that regard please.
Meh, that is a bit extreme without knowing anything about the history. OP even said they’re not really angry with their father. I think it’s fair to reach out after over 20 years. If OP still wants no contact, they can communicate this and if their father doesn’t respect that, then I’d say you have a valid point.
Going no-contact is an extreme form of self-defense which takes incredible emotional fortitude to uphold, especially at first when your bewildered abuser is trying every trick to get back into your life. It cannot be done casually. It takes lots of time and energy. This means that the person who does it was really, really hurt. And you think it’s fair to the abuser to let them reach back out?
With absolutely zero context to what caused the rift initially – I’ll just say you only get one shot in this life, it’s up to you to make it count. Most people would be heartbroken having zero contact with their children, it’s entirely possibly he’s decided enough is enough? Ultimately, is reconnecting going to negatively impact your life? If yes, simply ignore the attempt.
I lost my dad shortly after I got back in contact with him, and not trying to make up with him sooner is one of my greatest regrets. Obviously your situation may be different but it’s probably worth giving him a second chance.
A lot of people get increasingly sentimental as they get older and the guy’s your dad. You don’t owe him anything and don’t have to engage at all, but he’d likely be grateful for even a surface level relationship with his estranged kid if you’re at all interested.
That’s 100% dependent on why you went no contact in the first place. It doesn’t sound like you owe him anything, so your only question is how it relates to your own feelings.
If your ex brother in law has both your and his contact info, it sounds like he could’ve reached out indirectly at any point.
To add a bit for OP. This is 100% context dependent, I agree. My partner did this with her family and it was the correct choice imo. I have never met such a group of toxic individuals before—holy cow. To the point I felt like I was incredibly sheltered. She has some insane stories, somehow always worse than the last.
I get turning the other cheek, and looking at things from other’s perspective, but sometimes that just won’t do it. People can be truly awful and you have to take care of yourself when others don’t have the wherewithal (EQ) to understand the damage they do.
If you’re willing and comfortable to share why you went no contact, the context will help people give you more considered advice.
I can’t imagine the wave of feelings and memories getting that message from your father after all this time. I hope you find the right advice you need to support you through this.
As someone who’s mostly NC with a parent and considered going full NC I would hesitate listening to people who likely have little understanding of why people go NC with family.
I’ve heard many a “you can’t chose your family” from people when they have no idea what they’re speaking on. If you think the reason for going NC with someone has changed; sure consider giving him a chance. If you have a therapist or someone similar in your life ask them for their take. No judgement here for maintaining NC with someone who made you feel it was necessary to go NC at 16 though.
