Comment by stinky@redlemmy.com on My dad contacted me out of nowhere

I’m a bit lost here, to be fair. I went full no contact with my family back when I was 16. Took a hike, even across countries. So, apparently what happened, was my ex brother in law not keeping his mouth shut and sharing my number with my family. I still can’t make heads or tails of it. But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly. I’m not super mad at him, more at the rest of my family, but it seriously hurts right now. What am I supposed to do? I’m at a loss here. Haven’t really talked to the person for over 21 years.

If OP has made it clear he doesn’t want someone around, and they violate it by sharing phone numbers and sending texts and trying to get back in, then the family isn’t respecting boundaries and is probably why they got cut off in the first place.

Going no contact is often a last resort after a lifetime of pain. It’s nothing something people do casually.

Meh, that is a bit extreme without knowing anything about the history. OP even said they’re not really angry with their father. I think it’s fair to reach out after over 20 years. If OP still wants no contact, they can communicate this and if their father doesn’t respect that, then I’d say you have a valid point.

Going no-contact is an extreme form of self-defense which takes incredible emotional fortitude to uphold, especially at first when your bewildered abuser is trying every trick to get back into your life. It cannot be done casually. It takes lots of time and energy. This means that the person who does it was really, really hurt. And you think it’s fair to the abuser to let them reach back out?

Maybe I am too old to put too much value in the lasting decisions of a teenager. You change so damn much over the years and what felt like the worst back then isn’t that bad when you look back after 20 years. But my main point is that OP explicitly said they weren’t angry with their father, so I don’t see it as a bad act when he tries to contact OP again.

Have you ever been abused by a parent?

As a matter of fact, I did go no contact with my parents after I moved out at 19 and minimal contact as I got older. Nowadays, with both of them dead, I see their behavior more nuanced. I can appreciate how difficult it is to leave your own upbringing behind and they both came from families traumatized by war. That’s my personal story, of course, and doesn’t mean other people should see it the same way. But it’s the reason why I think, after 20 years it’s no problem to re-evaluate decisions you made as a teenager. If you still feel the same way you did back then, that’s fine. But there’s no point in leaving relationships behind that could be good for you just because.

But there’s no point in leaving relationships behind that could be good for you just because.

Did you go no contact with your parents “Just because” ?

With respect, 16 year old brains are not physically developed enough to make that decision. It’s why we don’t let them vote.

Things may look different today. I stand by my suggestion.

anyone who’s been abused as a teenager could tell your differently. your advice is wrong, sorry.

Yeah the guy isn’t a stranger to L takes. “Maybe cut the guy some slack” pfffft. Abused or neglected at 16? Nah you’re too young to know that apparently.

It isn’t really. But you are, of course, entitled to your opinion.

Entitled is an ironic choice of words for someone who’s never been abused and says teenage abuse victims aren’t “developed enough” to go no-contact with their abuser. Foolish human. If you respond I’ll block you instantly without reading it to verify that you’ve read and understood my comment.

The person I’m talking to discredits teenage victims of abuse who choose to cut off their abuser by saying that they’re not “developed” enough to decide when the abuse stops. And you’re offended by what I said? Fuck off.

Fuck off. Stop assuming that you know anything about me, foolish asshole.

Now that the BLUF is out of the way, and I know that you’ve read and understood my comment, I’ll do you a solid to show that there are no hard feelings. You’re blocked.

A completely unsurprising response given your idiotic takes in the thread so far. Sounds like you need more education in your “area of professional study.” Or just any education would do.

16 year olds would call getting grounded abuse. But there’s not enough info to know whats up in any way.

But you do seem like an absolute asshole, so I’m blocking you. And no I’m not the person you replied to.

There’s (edit:was) enough info in the thread to read between the lines enough to know it wasn’t anything on par with “grounding”. Implying most 16 years old call grounding abuse sure is helpful in a thread like this though. As if someone maintains 20 years NC because of grounding.

Sounds like you’re doing them a favour by blocking them if you think saying the equivalent of “just get over it” is reasonable.

Jesus fucking christ dude

Also with due respect, your opinion is wrong. I work with badly abused people, and those that CAN escape from toxicity at the earliest have it “best”. Some could never escape. There are 12yr old who have a forced maturity that you often don’t even find in 40+ olds. Which is not really a good thing.

Please, i don’t wanna sound condescending or so, but widen your horizon in that regard please.

My “opinion” is not wrong. It is scientific fact. Adolescent development is an area of my professional study.

Are there abused children in the world? Yes. Are their brains well-enough developed to make any lifelong decisions? No. That doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve help. It does mean that they are not mature enough to understand the ramifications of a no-contact decision.

I don’t wanna sound condescending, but please base your own opinions in fact.

Facts? So heavily abused children should stay with their abusers forever because their "brain is not well-enough to make any lifelong decisions hence they are not… "? This is the most absurd thing I’ve heard in a while. Not saying their brain isn’t perfectly well adjusted. No shit sherlock, that’s old news. Just the conclusion is… Very questionable. The ramifications of a no-contact-decision is the faint possibility of starting a therapy and get slightly better.

Anyone abused in whatever way, no matter how mature their brain is, should leave the abusive environment (at the very least. And get help at the acceptable best) . Isn’t that like the most basic survival-tactic? Avoid any kind of harm at all costs however possible.

And now we know that you can’t (or won’t) read. That’s ok. But I do think that we’ve exhausted the possibilities of this conversation.

We sure did. But please, do continue your “studies”, you never know when it might come in handy.

Share a story, ask a question, or start a conversation about (almost) anything you desire. Maybe you’ll make some friends in the process.

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