I’m a bit lost here, to be fair. I went full no contact with my family back when I was 16. Took a hike, even across countries. So, apparently what happened, was my ex brother in law not keeping his mouth shut and sharing my number with my family. I still can’t make heads or tails of it. But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly. I’m not super mad at him, more at the rest of my family, but it seriously hurts right now. What am I supposed to do? I’m at a loss here. Haven’t really talked to the person for over 21 years.
Maybe cut him some slack? A lot can happen in 20 years.
If OP has made it clear he doesn’t want someone around, and they violate it by sharing phone numbers and sending texts and trying to get back in, then the family isn’t respecting boundaries and is probably why they got cut off in the first place.
Going no contact is often a last resort after a lifetime of pain. It’s nothing something people do casually.
With respect, 16 year old brains are not physically developed enough to make that decision. It’s why we don’t let them vote.
Things may look different today. I stand by my suggestion.
Also with due respect, your opinion is wrong. I work with badly abused people, and those that CAN escape from toxicity at the earliest have it “best”. Some could never escape. There are 12yr old who have a forced maturity that you often don’t even find in 40+ olds. Which is not really a good thing.
Please, i don’t wanna sound condescending or so, but widen your horizon in that regard please.
anyone who’s been abused as a teenager could tell your differently. your advice is wrong, sorry.
Meh, that is a bit extreme without knowing anything about the history. OP even said they’re not really angry with their father. I think it’s fair to reach out after over 20 years. If OP still wants no contact, they can communicate this and if their father doesn’t respect that, then I’d say you have a valid point.
Going no-contact is an extreme form of self-defense which takes incredible emotional fortitude to uphold, especially at first when your bewildered abuser is trying every trick to get back into your life. It cannot be done casually. It takes lots of time and energy. This means that the person who does it was really, really hurt. And you think it’s fair to the abuser to let them reach back out?
With no context on what caused you to go no-contact, nobody can give you a worth-a-shit answer.
Did he beat you, violently rape you, murder your mother, and rip off your pet birds head and shit in its corpse? You should definitely stay no-contact.
Did they make a mistake that anyone could make and you were just an angsty teenager that overreacted? You should probably talk to them.
Without the context of that interaction, don’t take anyone’s advice here.
I lost my dad shortly after I got back in contact with him, and not trying to make up with him sooner is one of my greatest regrets. Obviously your situation may be different but it’s probably worth giving him a second chance.
“Fuck that” is perfectly valid. You don’t owe them anything, and I think you should be extremely selfish in deciding whether to talk to them. You went no contact for a good reason.
Is there something you want to hear from them? E.g. “I’m sorry”
What would you want from the relationship?
IF you decide that you want a relationship, having clearly defined reasons for why you’re doing it will help in assessing if you’re getting what you want from it, and if you should continue the relationship.
YOU call the shots. YOU define the boundaries. There are no wrong answers.
Want to talk to him (and him only) on the phone for 20 minutes, once a year? Perfectly fine.
Happy birthday texts only? Valid.
You like no contact? No problem.
