This is about to be some real shit about a failing (failed?) marriage. Get out now if that is not for you.
My wife and I, both in our 40s, have been together for a long time, 20+ years. About 10 years ago our daughter was born and that was pretty good. I was stupid and had an affair during that first year because I was immature and, in retrospect, wasn’t able to handle the shift in my wife’s attention from me to my daughter.
We worked it out. We moved to a bigger house that is paid off. My mom died and left us all some money. Then my wife was diagnosed with MS about 4 years ago and things have been on the decline.
We haven’t had sex in a year and neither of us again expects to. She has been depressed and I don’t know how to help her. We recently, like yesterday, determined in a mutual discussion that we no longer had a romantic relationship, but that we had a good partnership for raising our daughter and generally handling life. While it was good to get an unspoken truth out there, it hurts. I think that we both feel lonely in the aching soul sort of way. Last night, when we went to bed, for first time that I can recall, she didn’t say, “I love you,” and neither did I. My Prozac is working overtime, and she shuts down when I suggest mental health support for her.
So, here’s the question. What now?
Therapy for you to figure out if you should even stay in the marriage, then therapy to help you through what ever you decide to do.
I know that you’re right. I don’t know what I would do if I went to therapy and we determined that the marriage should end. My wife’s health insurance is through my work. My daughter would be wrecked. It is scary.
It’s definitely scary to dive into this, but try to remember: whatever the results of therapy, you’ll almost certainly be better for it on the other side. And your daughter will most likely be better off–because her parents will be in a better place, and because you’ll be setting a good example for her when she grows up and faces challenges.
A therapist shouldn’t tell you what to do, just provide a safe space to explore your feelings, work through all the relevant questions you can think of, and maybe help brainstorm if you can’t come up with your own options.
Your wife and daughter’s situations are relevant, but so is yours. If your wife isn’t in love either but neither of you want to divorce, it sounds like your options are to either work on repairing and rekindling the marriage within the constraints of her diagnoses, or mutual agreement to keep the marriage going for now but see other people. Both are full of challenges and risks. If she’s not ok with either of those, then you may have to make a decision for yourself.
It is definitely scary. I want to remind you that you were once a decently happy person and that therapy (both individual and couples therapy) is likely one of the few options you have to move back in that direction.
It’s worth it (speaking from experience). That weight on your shoulders is just waiting to come off, but you likely need a bit of help to get things started.
“hire good private teachers, and accept the resulting costs as money well-spent.” - Marcus Aurelius
I can tell you from my own experience, you don’t do the child a favor by sticking to a broken relationship, I wished my parents have broken up earlier instead of pretending everything is good and that’s how a normal relationship should be. It took me years and I sometimes still struggle today to draw a line and go into a conflict with my partner to figure things out instead of avoiding the conflict
It’s important to know that, despite her youth, your daughter might be picking up more of what’s going on than either of you are intending to give her. Whatever you end up doing, having a real conversation about what’s going on is probably going to be beneficial.
I feel you on this fear, but that fear can be aired in therapy. Therapy is ENORMOUSLY helpful. And, not to play the What-If game, could potentially have salvaged your romantic relationship had it been brought in earlier. (I do not say this to make you feel shitty, but so anyone else struggling may see it.)
My wife and I started therapy at the first of our communication problems. We figured we have our car in for regular tune-ups, why not our marriage? And our therapist was thrilled. He said he wished more married couples began the process when they still got along well, because it’s easier.
But it’s definitely worth it even late in the game. Getting an outside, trained perspective on navigating the issues you have as a couple can dramatically improve quality of life. Even if you never expect to be romantic partners again, it can make you work better as a team for the reasons you mentioned.
I cannot recommend couples’ therapy enough.
The only thing therapy is supposed to do is allow you to be happy/content with your decisions. It doesn’t suddenly make you stop caring about your wife or your daughter. It should allow you to find the best decisions. You’re still your own person with your own decisions and nothing will take that from you.
If you don’t want to end the marriage, then therapy will never mean you’ll suddenly want to end your marriage. There is absolutely 0 reason to be afraid of therapy for this reason, in fact, it’s incredibly irrational and counterproductive.
Also, the question is what’s “wrecking” your child more, an absolutely unhappy marriage and having two unhappy parents? Or having two happy parents that aren’t married? It’s not a clear answer imo. Anyway, after therapy you guys may be two happily married people again, best of both worlds, who knows
Stay married for the health insurance, everybody start seeing other people. Your wife’s depression is (probably) not your responsibility. Tell your daughter (and each other) love is not as simple as made out in movies, but can be much more. Everyone’s happiness is more important than following traditional ways. Always stay respectful towards everyone involved.
This is advice from a childless slut. You would probably be foolish to follow it.
I have a similar situation with my wife. Not MS and actually not even a word I can use as she just has a perponderance of medical issues and maybe someday there will be a word for something foundational that causes it. American healthcare, amirite. It really sucked because honestly her incredible sexuality was a big factor in my attraction to her. Im essentially a wierd nerd who she jumped all over and Im not like one of those idiots who think theres a marrying kind. Let me put it this way. When we were dating but before marriage we went to a sex shop with a couple of friends and we were the only ones in a relationship. A great friend (who passed away since rip) turns to me and says “Im so jealous”, because, you know, my girlfriend is going to a sex shop with me. Granted its a group activity and we were being edgy. Anyway she start bringing products to the counter after a we window shop for awhile and the same friend turns to me and says “Im really. REALLY! Jealous.”. We have been together for just under 25 years and been married for just a year or so less than that. We are both super depressed both from the medical stuff and from the money issues which we would not have at all except, americanhealthcareamirite, well and what we will do when I can’t work (ie american retirement which is not something you choose to do). We have not had sex in I don’t know how long. feels like a decade. It sucks. We fight. We still say we love each other although her more than me (thats always been the case as she is more open love than i in more than just sex). We still recognize that we doubt anyone on the earth would be better than us for us in our situation and that if we did not have the situation we would be doing great. So we stay together because we recogize the depresion, the awefulness, its not from us. Its form our situation. An yeah yeah, if we were borken up she would have no job and be sick and be totally fucked while I would be relatively healthy and economically good but honestly. I would have no point to life. my life has been her and hers has been me for so many years. how could it be anything else.
Yo man, love is not what you thought it was, and this is a part of it. It’s very normal for stuff like that to come up when a child is born. It’s common to find yourself in ruts where you don’t feel attracted to one another. Most of all, it’s super fucking healthy to talk about it and not just pretend like everything is great.
Best advice is that you, her, and the two of you as a couple all get in therapy. Talking with people about this stuff is what helps that settle the dust after that flashbang.
My therapist would say “yeah, you’re not going to be wild about each other all the time without MDMA or cocaine. And it wouldn’t be healthy. This is healthy.”
If she’s shutting down when you suggest mental health support for her, suggest it for her for you. She might not think she needs it but you two are a dyadic unit. You live together, her her mental health affects you both, just as yours affects her.
I’ve been divorced. It sucks. But it sucks way less than being trapped in a loveless, bitter relationship for far too long. Like the other poster says, get in therapy and work out what You want. Big change is scary and hard. Having to adjust to things we truly believed were settled is a motherfucker.
This is opinion, but it seems to me that teaching your daughter that making changes, even when they’re hard, is important and dealing with big feelings should come first. At the end of the day, is it better for her to be loved in two houses or see the resentment build in one? For me, it was more important that my son be loved and feel safe in two homes. Teaching him to stay in a relationship because it was “easy” seemd wrong. Again, that’s an opinion, not an objective truth.
