Hello ladies (current and former) of Lemmy (current) - I’m curious how your experience of the male gaze has changed as you moved in and out of young-woman-hood.
How has your opinion of being seen changed through this process?
Pre transition I wasn’t subjected to it so, I only ever knew it as it was applied to other people. It was gross and exploitative but not in a way that I personally experienced. There was a bit of detachment from that, I didn’t properly recognize it for what it was because my own dysphoria and discomfort made me somewhat oblivious to it.
When I first transitioned the male gaze felt like some metric I had to compare myself to if I wanted to be accepted. I started to subtly invalidate myself by all the ways my body differed from what was expected of me as a woman. It became a source of constant self dismissal and a feeling that I didn’t live up to expectations of womanhood, and therefore wouldn’t be accepted as a woman.
After several years of hormones and then bottom surgery I started to gain confidence in myself and I started to notice a lot more the way men look at me. The experience has honestly sucked as much as it is validating. I know I look good, that I’m conventionally attractive. I’m uncomfortable in a lot of settings due to that. I’m good at hiding my discomfort and maintaining my confidence even when I’m being leered at. But nontheless it makes me feel gross a lot of the time. I’m a gay woman, so it also feels like a part of me is being consumed without my consent just by me passively existing somewhere. Like going to the grocery store and noticing the guy staring at you standing next to his wife. He should know the way him staring makes me feel but if he does know he doesnt care. The way people treat me is totally different too. People being genuinely very nice and happy to speak with me. It’s made me understand in a personal way not just how passing is a privilege but being seen as desirable by men is too. I’m still young so my experiences are still growing. I want to be a mom someday and I think a lot about how my children will be subjected to this too.
I’m 56.
Mostly I think younger guys trust me and see me more as a safe authority than fuckable (mostly) so I can relax around them, not worried. But there are still catcalls and shit, I fully expect to be 90 and have someone yell “lookin’ spry, grandma!”. Don’t think that is actually about how you look, those guys are relentless.
My trajectory may be different from most, I was a very skinny tall girl in a world where that was most assuredly not seen as sexy, so I didn’t feel pretty as a young woman, nor did most guys see me as sexy. There were some creepy old guys into it but that sure didn’t make me feel sexy at all. Also my ex liked me ‘despite’ my lack of curves. Fast forward 25 years, we split and in the meantime, the world had changed, the smaller boobs and lean body held up and more guys my age were into my looks, it took some time to adjust but I actually feel more attractive and sexy in my mid 50s than I did in my 20s or 30s. Don’t look better in an absolute sense (if I could have been young now, I mean, with the wider beauty standards) but in relation to my peers, definitely better now.
I remember the day I finally realized I was being left alone. It has been glorious. Best part of getting older. It’s so nice to simply exist in my own space.
I’ve lost weight (finally in the healthy range for my height) and I’ve noticed more guys look at me when I walk by than when I was overweight. I don’t mind and it doesn’t really affect me. I decided a long time ago that what people think about me is their own business and idgaf.
I’ve also got catcalled more while walking, which is not fun and does bother me.
Have you ever gotten the classic whistle? I feel like that’s just in movies.
I’ve gotten the whistle. Only when I was a teenager though. Seems the type of man who whistles doesn’t like adult women
I’m mid-30s be went through a weight fluctuation. I used to be very thin and honestly quite hot, though I didn’t realize it. I never really felt like I got much male attention. I also hated being perceived and pretty much avoided men, so that’s probably why. Then I gained weight (around 40 pounds) and did a lot of mental and emotional work and learned to live my body. I felt better and more beautiful in my bigger body than I ever did when I was young. I also had way more male attention. Maybe because my own confidence had grown. In the past 2 years, I lost the weight and at first got my “old” body go but then started working out a lot and have a new, different, strong body. Which, on top of the work I did when I was bigger, I love my body. I definitely notice eyes following me a lot, but have less approaches. Hopefully I’m intimidating.
