Edit: People are really making me out to be an evil psychopath with no empathy. I get that you can only tell so much from one post, but it’s incredibly far from the truth. I have people that love and adore in my life and would do anything for. It just takes me a long ass time to get to that point…and as an introvert, my social battery with new people wears down quickly. Online dating is just difficult. I am not rude to others. Conversations just quickly peter out and neither I or my match end up continuing for much longer. The “ghosting” I speak of is often mutual. These aren’t people I’ve interacted with for months that I suddenly stop talking to. It’s chatting for a day or several and then we peter out.
If you think from this small post that I am such a psychopath as to discard a literal child, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just leaping to such wild conclusions that I don’t even know how to respond. I don’t even necessarily want kids…I just want to be able to have the option to.
I’m sorry if this is too odd or specific of a question, but I have a bit of a dilemma.
I live alone. I have some work friends work friends, but they basically stay just friends at work. So I get lonely sometimes. And sometimes I just want to have someone around to do stuff with me. And sometimes I wonder what it might be like to raise a family.
So I occasionally try dating apps. But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
The thing is, I don’t really have much capacity to feel attracted to people. I’m probably somewhere on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums. So you’d think, why date? Just make a friendship then. But there are some things you can’t do with a friend…like raise a family and such.
Plus, I don’t even think I could manage a friendship with how difficult it is for me to like someone. I don’t like anyone I just met. It takes a long time for me to enjoy and appreciate people, and many never actually make it to the point of someone I really like. There have been a couple of times where I have tried hanging out with people as friends and it’s just…kind of dissatisfying to me?? Yet I really like hanging out with certain members of my family. I don’t get it.
Plus like…what are you even supposed to do on a date or on an outing with friends? What are you supposed to say when you’re chatting with a partner? How long and often are you supposed to chat with each other? I feel like I need some sort of a step by step guidebook because I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
Sorry if this is too specific. I’m just wondering if anyone else out there is as confused with human interaction as I am.
Instead of looking for people to date, look for people to be in your DND campaign.
Or else join the 501st legion or something like that.
Main point is that you don’t focus on the dating stuff and instead focus on the social interactions.
Go to an in-person event for a thing that you like and see if you enjoy the company of anyone there. I’m not sure how you’ll find a relationship if you can’t make a friendship first, so I would just start with friends.
Going to an event focusing on something you already like means that you will enjoy it even if you don’t meet anyone interesting and you will also have at least one thing in common with everyone there.
Also, you don’t have to talk to someone on an app all the time. Move off of the app (text, calling, in-person, etc.) and set a certain window of time for socializing. I get that you might feel pressure to talk constantly, but just be honest - something like, “hey, I like talking to you but I have other things to get done now; we can chat more later” works fine as long as they’re emotionally mature.
i know how you feel.
i don’t really have any advice.
i stopped dating a little before covid, and never started again.
i feel lonely sometimes, but i have friends and a cat.
Perhaps it’s good to start with finding out why you dislike people so easily, or why spending time with other’s is so dissatisfying.
If you can, perhaps consider talking to a therapist about it. They understand how people work, and can help you figure out why you struggle with connecting.
As for orientation, things just work differently when you’re aroace. I’d say focus on the first part.
It’s not that I dislike them. It’s just that I’m not immediately in love with anyone. Otherwise, I have no affinity for them and socially it’s incredibly draining. People are getting a bit of a wrong idea. I don’t hate people at all. And I actually have the capacity to feel incredibly deep connections to others. It’s just that it takes a long ass time to get there and is usually done passively over the span of many months. I don’t see how any amount of therapy could possibly make me immediately fall in love with anyone.
Thinking you need to immediately fall in love with someone is an issue. That’s not a realistic expectation to put on yourself or them
Your ‘problem’ is thinking that you must fall in love in order to start a relationship. Falling in love might work in the beginnen, but makes it harder in to long run when it wears off. After that you need to invest time and effort to maintain the relationship.
I’m currently in an 8 year relationship with the woman of my dreams. I was happy not falling in love immediately, because love makes blind resulting in making wrong decisions (own experience). After a while I started to appreciate who she was and what she meant for me, then the feeling of love kicked in. This feeling goes up and down which it should, because being in love all the time is something you really don’t want.
Get out there and talk to people, be honest about your feelings and I’m sure you will find the correct person to share your life with and start a family. Love is nice, but not necessary. Good luck.
People rarely fall in love immediately. While love at first sight does happen, it‘s not the norm. Relationships build over time. You start with mutual interest, try to build a friendship and eventually it might click. If you bail before giving it a real chance, then of course, it’s unlikely you’ll build a deep connection with anyone.
This is good to hear, honestly. I felt like I am taking crazy pills a bit when so many people in these comments are saying there is something wrong with me for not being immediately really into someone I just met.
I think one of the difficulties I had is that…maybe a decade ago when I was a lot younger, I had someone who was interested in me. I wasn’t interested in them, but they were nice and so I thought I would maybe try it. We go on a date and it’s going fine but the guy wants to be able to kiss and stuff.
I get that boundaries are a thing and you can tell people no, but… I noticed at that point that most people are sexual. And most sexual people seem to be immediately interested in making out and having sex with someone. I get that not everyone is this way, but the majority of people are because they are driven by sex. So it’s all just a bit confusing and difficult to navigate as someone on the asexual spectrum.
But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
I’m not one to tell somebody they shouldn’t feel annoyed, or tired, or bothered, but it sounds like you’re not satisfied with how things are going for you, and I’ve italicized three things above you should take a hard look at if you’re interested in any kind of change.
Recognize that you don’t have to feel annoyed. Feeling annoyed or bothered is often what we feel if we have fears, anxieties, or expectations that aren’t being met, and you can actually learn to let all of that go and just be present in the moment, if you want to.
Also, you identified yourself that you “act like a dickhole,” so stop it!
Try to meet people irl. There are lots and lots of people. Try to let your barriers down, meaning approach people with no expectations, no judgment, and unconditional positive regard. Ask people questions about themselves. You’ll be flabbergasted how easily you can make connections if you do these things.
I know you italicized it to tell me I need to change, but my point in saying it was to demonstrate that I don’t have the stamina to get past the “getting to know you” stage of meeting someone. It takes me literal months to start to like people (and some people I never end up meshing with). Before then, any sort of interaction with someone new is just unpleasant and catastrophically draining to me, to the point where I do not wish to continue.
I wish I could say that I could flip a switch and just be engaged with strangers or have greater stamina to do so, but my brain just doesn’t operate that way.
I find it much easier to develop a kinship at places like work. I don’t have to be constantly forcing myself to get to know and like people people, as it just happens gradually and naturally over time through exposure. Dating is the polar opposite of that.
But then the question is what do you want? If you want something out of life that you’re not getting, you’re going to have to start by identifying and changing something about yourself that’s creating that barrier for you. Otherwise, keep everything the same and either keep feeling dissatisfied or work on accepting things just as they are.
I disagree with you wholeheartedly that getting to know someone gradually and naturally over time through exposure at work is very much different than dating. They’re actually really similar, as is all relationship building. A big difference here is chatting online vs irl. Are you actually going on dates in real life, or are we just talking online here? Those are very different things
I’ve just been talking online. It’s tricky because the dating pool for asexuals is so small. So the asexuals that respond to me unfortunately never end up in my local area. I do agree that seeing someone irl would probably work out better for me, but as of yet I’ve yet to mutually connect with someone physically close to me. It’s my ultimate goal though is to find someone close enough that I can meet up with.
I want a life partner. Ultimately, I will never be as important to my work friends as they are to me. They all have family which obviously comes first. It’s totally understandable and I get it. It would be insane to think that I should come before my friend’s husband and children. I’m not delusional. But I want someone who is on the same level of the relationship as me. Someone who I am as important to them as they are to me. Someone to spend my life with.
I can relate to your last paragraph. And all I can suggest is find a hobby that brings the amount and kind of interaction you can stand. It’s ok to try different things. Could be sports, politics, chess, parachuting, boardgames, volunteering at the animal shelter, what ever you like to try. Do it for the thing itself and the interaction will come naturally. And don’t be afraid to try many things. Sometimes hobbies sound better than they actually are, sometimes we lose interest. That’s ok.
Just get a grip on that „being a dick“ thing when you are overwhelmed and frustrated. Again, I can relate, but it is probably your biggest problem. Try being straightforward with people instead. It is ok to tell people „sorry, my social batteries are drained right now“. Some will not understand, but some will and at least you are giving them a chance at that. If you lash out or just ghost people, it is guaranteed that nobody will understand, and I bet that in itself is another source of frustration.
Accept that you are not the great extrovert that society (and especially media) seems to put so much value on. And that is ok. There are plenty of people out there who are strong introverts and socially very awkward that find happiness and success at the amount of interaction they find acceptable. They don’t stand out by their very nature, but if you look for them, they are there. And there are plenty of people who appreciate those that are not the loudest blokes at the center of the party.
Yeah, I suppose I should try to join some sort of groups or something irl. Part of the problem is that dating-wise, I’m working with the small narrow group that are asexual people. You don’t run across them irl. So I can’t hope to just naturally find someone to date in person like a sexual person would. I could naturally make more friends maybe, but not date those that I find.
Dating is the polar opposite of that.
I feel like you feel that you should do that. Ask yourself why.
Well…I hadn’t wanted to for the first 3 decades of my life. But through the years I’ve had some friends go. And I’ve realized that to any friend, I will never be as important as their own family. And that’s perfectly understandable. It would be delusional to think that I should be more important than say, someone’s children, for example.
With a life partner, they are your #1 priority and you are their #1 priority. You are meant to be equals. And you’re supposed to stick with each other for life. I get that it’s not necessarily a fairy book that turns out this way, but at least you have a partner in crime. It gets lonely sometimes to be alone.