Edit: People are really making me out to be an evil psychopath with no empathy. I get that you can only tell so much from one post, but it’s incredibly far from the truth. I have people that love and adore in my life and would do anything for. It just takes me a long ass time to get to that point…and as an introvert, my social battery with new people wears down quickly. Online dating is just difficult. I am not rude to others. Conversations just quickly peter out and neither I or my match end up continuing for much longer. The “ghosting” I speak of is often mutual. These aren’t people I’ve interacted with for months that I suddenly stop talking to. It’s chatting for a day or several and then we peter out.
If you think from this small post that I am such a psychopath as to discard a literal child, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just leaping to such wild conclusions that I don’t even know how to respond. I don’t even necessarily want kids…I just want to be able to have the option to.
I’m sorry if this is too odd or specific of a question, but I have a bit of a dilemma.
I live alone. I have some work friends work friends, but they basically stay just friends at work. So I get lonely sometimes. And sometimes I just want to have someone around to do stuff with me. And sometimes I wonder what it might be like to raise a family.
So I occasionally try dating apps. But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
The thing is, I don’t really have much capacity to feel attracted to people. I’m probably somewhere on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums. So you’d think, why date? Just make a friendship then. But there are some things you can’t do with a friend…like raise a family and such.
Plus, I don’t even think I could manage a friendship with how difficult it is for me to like someone. I don’t like anyone I just met. It takes a long time for me to enjoy and appreciate people, and many never actually make it to the point of someone I really like. There have been a couple of times where I have tried hanging out with people as friends and it’s just…kind of dissatisfying to me?? Yet I really like hanging out with certain members of my family. I don’t get it.
Plus like…what are you even supposed to do on a date or on an outing with friends? What are you supposed to say when you’re chatting with a partner? How long and often are you supposed to chat with each other? I feel like I need some sort of a step by step guidebook because I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
Sorry if this is too specific. I’m just wondering if anyone else out there is as confused with human interaction as I am.
I know you italicized it to tell me I need to change, but my point in saying it was to demonstrate that I don’t have the stamina to get past the “getting to know you” stage of meeting someone. It takes me literal months to start to like people (and some people I never end up meshing with). Before then, any sort of interaction with someone new is just unpleasant and catastrophically draining to me, to the point where I do not wish to continue.
I wish I could say that I could flip a switch and just be engaged with strangers or have greater stamina to do so, but my brain just doesn’t operate that way.
I find it much easier to develop a kinship at places like work. I don’t have to be constantly forcing myself to get to know and like people people, as it just happens gradually and naturally over time through exposure. Dating is the polar opposite of that.
But then the question is what do you want? If you want something out of life that you’re not getting, you’re going to have to start by identifying and changing something about yourself that’s creating that barrier for you. Otherwise, keep everything the same and either keep feeling dissatisfied or work on accepting things just as they are.
I disagree with you wholeheartedly that getting to know someone gradually and naturally over time through exposure at work is very much different than dating. They’re actually really similar, as is all relationship building. A big difference here is chatting online vs irl. Are you actually going on dates in real life, or are we just talking online here? Those are very different things
I’ve just been talking online. It’s tricky because the dating pool for asexuals is so small. So the asexuals that respond to me unfortunately never end up in my local area. I do agree that seeing someone irl would probably work out better for me, but as of yet I’ve yet to mutually connect with someone physically close to me. It’s my ultimate goal though is to find someone close enough that I can meet up with.
I want a life partner. Ultimately, I will never be as important to my work friends as they are to me. They all have family which obviously comes first. It’s totally understandable and I get it. It would be insane to think that I should come before my friend’s husband and children. I’m not delusional. But I want someone who is on the same level of the relationship as me. Someone who I am as important to them as they are to me. Someone to spend my life with.
My og advice still stands, you’ve got to meet people in real life. You need to develop enough confidence to approach people in public settings to strike up conversations, and put yourself in situations where you see people regularly, like a meetup or hobby group. A ton of people I know met their significant others through friends. Meeting and making friends will broaden your social circle, which will open up options for you.
Do you ACTUALLY want a life partner, or do you feel your life is lacking something, and you suspect that a life partner would fill that hole?
Just kick the idea around for a bit. If getting to know someone is that painful, then why would you pursue a situation where they are ever present in your life?
You’ll know you’re ready for a relationship when you find yourself NEVER getting tired of talking to someone and wanting to go out of your way to spend even more time with someone. Now, you probably don’t think you’ll ever feel that way, maybe not, but that’s ok too. It just means you don’t need anyone right now, and trying to claim someone as yours just so you can check a box on a list of things that make other people happy isn’t going to help.
Someone who I am as important to them as they are to me. Someone to spend my life with.
But if you don’t like people, what’s the purpose of having this? A merely pragmatic reason is insulting for the other person.
I can relate to your last paragraph. And all I can suggest is find a hobby that brings the amount and kind of interaction you can stand. It’s ok to try different things. Could be sports, politics, chess, parachuting, boardgames, volunteering at the animal shelter, what ever you like to try. Do it for the thing itself and the interaction will come naturally. And don’t be afraid to try many things. Sometimes hobbies sound better than they actually are, sometimes we lose interest. That’s ok.
Just get a grip on that „being a dick“ thing when you are overwhelmed and frustrated. Again, I can relate, but it is probably your biggest problem. Try being straightforward with people instead. It is ok to tell people „sorry, my social batteries are drained right now“. Some will not understand, but some will and at least you are giving them a chance at that. If you lash out or just ghost people, it is guaranteed that nobody will understand, and I bet that in itself is another source of frustration.
Accept that you are not the great extrovert that society (and especially media) seems to put so much value on. And that is ok. There are plenty of people out there who are strong introverts and socially very awkward that find happiness and success at the amount of interaction they find acceptable. They don’t stand out by their very nature, but if you look for them, they are there. And there are plenty of people who appreciate those that are not the loudest blokes at the center of the party.
Yeah, I suppose I should try to join some sort of groups or something irl. Part of the problem is that dating-wise, I’m working with the small narrow group that are asexual people. You don’t run across them irl. So I can’t hope to just naturally find someone to date in person like a sexual person would. I could naturally make more friends maybe, but not date those that I find.
Dating is the polar opposite of that.
I feel like you feel that you should do that. Ask yourself why.
Well…I hadn’t wanted to for the first 3 decades of my life. But through the years I’ve had some friends go. And I’ve realized that to any friend, I will never be as important as their own family. And that’s perfectly understandable. It would be delusional to think that I should be more important than say, someone’s children, for example.
With a life partner, they are your #1 priority and you are their #1 priority. You are meant to be equals. And you’re supposed to stick with each other for life. I get that it’s not necessarily a fairy book that turns out this way, but at least you have a partner in crime. It gets lonely sometimes to be alone.
With a life partner, they are your #1 priority and you are their #1 priority. You are meant to be equals. And you’re supposed to stick with each other for life. I get that it’s not necessarily a fairy book that turns out this way, but at least you have a partner in crime. It gets lonely sometimes to be alone.
Well, but that’s earned. You’re not entitled to that. If you tire of people easily, have a short fuse and don’t like people (or the interactions with them) in general, I don’t see that you have much to offer in a way that’s palatable for other people.
Crudely said: What do you have to offer, for someone to want you as a long-term companion?