Such a weird obsession. Some people are shitty and infidelity can be terrible but to spend so much mental energy focusing on the humiliation and righteous anger part is bizarre. No one cares you were cucked. Women arenāt property and some of them suck. Everyone understands that some people suck. No one cares you were cucked.
āI donāt understand women.ā
Whenever someone has an issue with an SO, then extrapolates that to all womenā¦ thatās a red flag to me that this guy has a lot more misogynistic views just outside the frame of view.
It is unfortunately common. Pretty much all of the guys I know IRL complain about their SOs with āPft. Women, right?ā And Iām sitting here likeā¦ No? Maybe thatās just your SO? Or just your SO when theyāre with you?
Women and men do have a different way of thinking the majority of the time. Itās about learning to cope with and deal with the other oneās feeling. If you want a woman, you have to be willing to deal with woman moments. If you want a man, you have to be willing to deal with man moments. Simple. Relationships cannot be perfect.
As an AMAB who is vaguely uncomfortable enough with the gender binary to use he/they pronouns but still presents masc in every context ā I have met many people of all and no genders who think so completely differently to me itād be better to use zodiac signs than gender markers to divide personalities (and no I donāt think astrology is real).
itās complicated. I think generally, women have a different mannerism of thinking than man, primarily due to nuture, women grow up in a different environment, talk to people differently, and experience the world differently, this leads them to a point where you inherently have a different view of the world.
Itās neither good or bad, it just is. Of course this is not a strict definition, and itās particularly fluid around the middle point, but this is a broad reaching generalization that seems to be mostly accurate.
Men and women have tendencies and subculture, sure. But theyāre not mutually unintelligible if you make even a little effort to try and understand the other side as fundamentally human people. For example, by listening to them and taking their positions seriously (even if the specific situation does not call for believing every factual claim).
I think we mostly agree here, just with slightly different framing.
What if they donāt understand all women? Why do you extrapolate your personal experience to all peopleā¦ Thatās a red flag to me.
This presupposes that men and women are fundamentally and irreconcilably different. I just donāt think thatās true, based on both my experiences and the psychological data Iāve reviewed throughout my life.
It is unfortunately common. Pretty much all of the guys I know IRL base their conclusions on experiences and the psychological data theyāve reviewed throughout their lives. And Iām sitting here likeā¦ No? Maybe thatās just your limited psychological data? Or just your subjective experiences?
The behavior of the wife in the OP would never be exhibited by a man, right? So calling it a āwomenā thing isnāt inaccurate.
Your reply extrapolates OP to mean all women. Which is exactly like when a woman makes a claim about men and men in the comments reply ānot all men!ā Youāre doing that.
Maybe Iām misunderstanding your point, but I could see a man doing what the wife in the greentext did. It wouldnāt fit the stereotypes we have of dudes, but yeah I think itās possible.
Including the crying and ripping it up?
Really?
In that sequence?
Horseshit.
You donāt think a man has ever tried to use divorce as a threat to change his spouses behavior?
And this case like most relationship issues comes down to insecurities and bad/non-existent communication. To which, letās face it, male socialization is a major contributor.
With stoicism and a fear of vulnerability, weāre far too often standing standing in our own way.
How could I possibly calm down? Who am I married to then? Fuck!
(That was me joining the joke for anybody who might not get that otherwise.)
Not sure why you got downvoted because I had the same reaction when I read it. This is your spouse and treating her request for divorce and obvious associated emotional distress as something related to her gender rather than the specifics of your relationship seems incredibly dismissive and misogynistic.
Who knows, lol. But Iām more than happy to engage with people who disagree, so long as it remains relatively civil.
Iāve had plenty of gender-coded miscommunication with my wife over the years. But thatās far, far outweighed by more individual differences (like neurotypical v neurodivergent, mismatched communication habits, and mismatched expectations from how we were raised. Hell even just regional differences.
And when it comes to the other married guys I know, Iāve provided advice (upon request) that basically boiled down to (1) you donāt āwinā a marriage, (2) treat her like a partner not an adversary (even if sheās treating you adversarially for now), and (3) be open and vulnerable when you can. Itās amazing how many of them have justā¦ never once heard that advice from anyone else their whole life. Wild out here.
Itās not misogynistic to admit you have trouble communicating with women.
Do you think thatās whatās happening (both in my example but also the OP greentext)? That theyāre admitting they have trouble communicating?
I could see a literal interpretation of āI donāt understand womenā as a standalone sentence being reasonably interpreted that way, sure. But given the context, I think thatās really unlikely.
I think theyāre expressing frustration about not being able to communicate with women, and I think itās easy to misinterpret that frustration as aggression or misogyny.
ā women
Emotional abuse detected.
I mentioned it in another comment, but Iāll repeat it here: This doesnāt necessarily have to be emotional abuse. It can well be a result of the wife being in a bad place, having little self-worth, and convincing herself that anon would be better off without her. Perhaps anonās response caused her to re-think and reconsider, hence the subsequent breakdown.
It is emotional abuse. Just like itās still assault if a veteran with night terrors gets a adrenaline rush while waking up at night and beating the wife sleeping next to him in his confusion. It is not intended, but the damage is done. And itās done by the veteran; or the wife in the OP.
The emotional abuse may be coming from a deep emotional wound, but itās on her to fix it. She gets to keep her shards, or attempt to fix herself. By choosing to not work on herself she effectively chooses to burden the people around her. And they have no obligation to keep her around.
I disagree, I donāt think these two are comparable.
Physical violence cannot be undone. Saying that you want to leave someone, and then breaking down upon noticing your mistake is something that can be talked through. If someone beats you, and says it was an accident, youāll still be bruised and feel unsafe around them, even if you understand them and have empathy for them. On the other hand, if you understand and have empathy for a partner that said they would leave you because they honestly though you would be happier without them, you can help them get better and move on.
We all burden each other with stuff constantly. Itās on her to fix it but fixing yourself is impossible tlsince their is no template for what fixed looks like.
Itās also on the husband as much as it is the rest of us to see what level of burden we are willing to take on for those we care about. Thatās humanity.
This doesnāt necessarily have to be emotional abuse. It can well be a result of the wife being in a bad place, having little self-worth, and convincing herself that anon would be better off without her.
Abuse is behavior, not intention. The majority of abuse is not intended to be torture, but is still abuse.
This might be a language think, but as I understand āabuseā implies some degree of intent, repetitiveness, or suppression of the victims response, no?
If someone is punched, you would typically call that assault, while if they are punched on several occasions while being prevented from seeking help, you would call it abuse.
Likewise, if someone is yelled at or scolded or manipulated on one occasion, you usually would say that they were āyelled at, scolded, or manipulatedā, while if it occurs systematically over time you would refer to it as abuse.
Please correct me if Iām wrong here
What a sad situation. I know a lot of people here think this is abuse and I can see their perspective, but I see this more as a relationship lacking communication. The wife didnāt feel assured that her husband loved her anymore and the divorce papers were a last ditch effort to see if he still does. Sure, just talking openly would be better, but goddamn is it hard to find people who can do that.
I think the fact that she broke down and tore up the papers immediately after is a sign that she really didnāt want to do it and was reacting to his genuine reply.
I think OOP needs coupleās therapy.
Nah once youāre at the point where you need coupleās therapy the relationship is over
Not at all. Coupleās therapy is just a place for identifying and resolving the issues in a relationship and is useful for when a couple is struggling to do exactly that. Third party intervention can provide a different perspective for those stuck looking at an issue from a specific angle.
Absolutely. I havenāt done it yet, but weāve been on the edge of divorce several times. Weāre in an ok spot right now. If youāve ever been arguing with a partner and find yourself thinking āThis person is totally fucking detached from realityā, then yeah the therapist would probably get your back. Just keep in mind they probably think the same about you sometimes. And they might be right.
are you and the 93 people who upvoted you crazy??
lmfao in what fucking world is serving divorce papers and then tearing them up right after theyāre signed not even just a little bit toxic, if not emotionally abusive?
maybe a fucking adam sandler movie but this is real life.
think before you do stupid shit? other people donāt owe you discretion bc youāre an idiot? āuwu but what about the wifeās feeeeelings???ā brother man grow tf up this isnāt a high school fling itās a marriage. if you wanted to pull shit like this, why did you change it from girlfriend/boyfriend to husband/wife? was that about feelings too?
oop shouldve ran when they had the chance and the papers were signed.
sorry as someone who grew up as a child caught between this stupid shit people like you piss me off so much. this is traumatic for all involved.
Fuck man, I donāt disagree with you. Donāt construe my words as me saying thereās nothing wrong here, but I also am not in the āomg just get divorcedā camp, either. Iāve been in great and terrible relationships and Iāve seen behavior like above in both. Thereās a massive difference between āIām serving you these papers to cause suffering or as a shit testā and what OOPās wife did. YES, her behavior was toxic. Toxicity doesnāt happen in a vacuum.
Iāve been around plenty of guys like the greentexter, too. Aloof, unaware, āwomen say the darnedest thingsā types. If he doesnāt see the situation and say, āDamn I got some problems with this relationship that need fixingā then heās insane. But this guy says, āI love you and Iāve always triedā¦ Man this is weird, better post to 4chan!ā
Perhaps sheās been trying to talk to him about it but heās been acting like a dumbass and this was her last ditch effort to shake some sense into him. AGAIN, her behavior is unhealthy. But if his response to it is to show love, and hers is to break down and back away from the edge, then perhaps there is more foundation here than weāre seeing in the context of this message.
I love my partner dearly and I regret to say Iāve acted in ways like this before during difficult times. Love is fucking hard sometimes. Itās about how you pick the pieces up and move forward.
Yeah this is a couple who havenāt really talked through their issues and may have some kind of executive dysfunction. A little time being very honest and crying through their own insecurities together would turn their lives around for the better. (executive dysfunction is a big word but common problem with anyone who has depression and/or anxiety. It just means you donāt have a solid distinction in your mind between what you want for yourself and your life, and how your feelings just run away with you and make small things huge obstacles.)