If you read my previous post on other place I asked about dating and most responses sounded like it was nice. Yes, I’m aware that relationships are not only good times (I’ve seen my mother being tired of her partner and scared of my father) but when you have literally NOTHING in your life you can’t help to idolising the things you never had…
I don’t think that’s weird, but it’s definitely sad
Why have you convinced yourself that you have nothing and that you need to be in a relationship to have something?
Joining with the other sex and reproduction is literally the main purpose of all living beings, regardless of their level of intelligence or levels of consciousness of creating things like society and religions. When you don’t have that as your adulthood passes you feel like a failure, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Your main purpose is whatever you make it out to be. Happiness doesn’t come from a relationship or your ability to procreate. Look inwards. Ask yourself what don’t you like about your life? What do you have the power to change?
What I don’t like my life? The fact I’m unable to attract anyone. Change? Nothing, I’m already suffering
We are more than our instincts. But sure, I acknowledge that following some instinctual drives can give some satisfaction.
For example: I made a choice to not have children and I am happy with my choice. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything. It’s actually quite the opposite. While I see my peers raising little shits, I get to stay a little shit and embrace my inner child. It’s half a selfish choice because I want my life to be better, and half a compassionate choice because the world doesn’t need new children for its meat grinder.
If I had little choice and was forced onto a path, that would be disheartening. So I get you.
Joining with the other sex and reproduction is literally the main purpose of all living beings
I would say that survival is the main purpose. For which reproducing is one of the available ‘tools’ like is eating, fighting, and running away.
Reproducing doesn’t require having to join the other. I mean, gametes exchange can be done without mating (ask plants) and you also have asexual reproducing. Mating is the way human beings are doing it, like many living species but it still is just one way.
When you don’t have that as your adulthood passes you feel like a failure, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
At the individual level, reproducing is not a necessity (a far less urgent one than is eating and surviving, ie get a shelter, get away from trouble,…). It’s only a necessity at the species level. At least, as far as I understand it.
Many people do not have sex or have sex and do not reproduce. They are fine and not unhappy and their choice is fine at the species level — it’s not like human species is on the verge of extinction because of the lack of humans: we’ve never been that many on teh surface of the planet (most probably even a little bit too many ;)
Edit: even among other species, reproducing is not the aim of all individuals. Just look at bees: the queen is the only one that will lay eggs (other bees are either workers/fighters/nurses, even though they can switch role during their lifetime they won’t ever have a baby bee) and the males… well, the one that gets to mate the queen die just after that.
This is an interesting take that I honestly hadn’t really considered before. As someone without the human instinct to reproduce that 99% of all humans seem to experience, it has always felt a bit like I am an alien from a different planet. Or like I am born without one of the lesser senses or something. But thanks for this. It was an interesting read.
This was very interesting but I wonder whether all species or even just one actually have a (shared) purpose? As humans couldn’t we all just try to find our own?
For me it would be to be a net positive to society in certain ways (that I’m not sure how to put into words and the bits I know how to could get long) before departing.
In a way we are just a very complex system that can reproduce and we are just configured to do so. Life is very good at persevering but does that make it our purpose?
Joining with the other sex and reproduction is literally the main purpose of all living beings…
This reductive view doesn’t help you and, indeed, probably hurts your chances of getting what you so desperately want.
Drop this focus on sex and, ironically, you’ll have a better chance of having it. We can generally tell when a guy wants us only for orificial insertion; that’s a bigger turn-off than almost anything.
As others have said (that you didn’t bother to respond to) work on yourself before you start working on getting others. And in your case I would strongly recommend getting professional evaluation for possible clinical depression before it literally kills you.
As a fairly attractive person who also suffers from depression. It really doesn’t matter. I can find so many reasons why other people don’t like me. So many reasons why my actions are ultimately pointless and worthless. And that’s the thing, when I’m depressed I think I’m ugly. Don’t take my word for it, think of all the Hollywood stars that have or do suffer from depression.
I don’t think it matters what you have. Depression can make a shit sandwich out of any situation. But once you work through it and become fun to be around things change. Even if you’re only fun for yourself to be around, that’s one more person who likes you.
Thing is, that a relationship can be very fulfilling, this is true.
But thinking, that being in a relationship will fix a bad view on life or problems, the relationship will suffer.
Relationship is work. And often very painful work, because you have to step over your shadow and accept, that some of your deeply treasured perspectives (that protected you in times of pain) are now just wrong and destroy said relationship
So starting to work on yourself and being content with yourself is always the first step. Else the relationship will be even harder to work through those issues
At least that was my experience
But yeah, having someone to love is great and having someone to love you is nice.
I’ve just looked at your post history and it seems we have a lot in common, I’ve been out of work, have depression, feel incredible lonely at times. I spent my life on the other hand chasing relationships, sex, none of it solved my issues because my issues are deeper than that. Yours probably are too and my advice is to find what it is you need and the rest will full in to place.
Good luck out there comrade.
First, you must love yourself. Then, love others - family, friends, or strangers. Expect nothing in return. If you can get over those two hurdles, it will be a lot easier to be loved.
Imagine if you hated tofu. But you wanted to convince others to love tofu. Maybe you’re a door to door tofu salesman. Only a gifted con artists can make that sale. In this example you are tofu.
In every relationship, from professional to familial to romantic, you must constantly give more than you get. Most of what you give will be taken for granted. But you’ll notice who appreciates you, and they will get more of your time and effort.
Anyway it’s not that great being loved. It’s a burden in some ways, because of how carefully that burden must be carried. You must act in service to those who love you. Love can be suffocating, and blinding. Many people forgo their own health in service to those who love them. It’s a difficult balance. But for evolutionary reasons, it feels like it’s “enough” in life to be loved. And that peace is hard to find through other means.
There’s a freedom that comes with loneliness. You can travel and explore. You can take much bigger risks. You can make foolish and selfish decisions.
This has always been such an completely and totally offensive rhetoric imo. The notion that one has to be perfect before they are even allowed to have a relationship is absolutely ridiculous and untrue. Do you know what helps things like self esteem and self love? Having a support network which includes having a caring and considerate partner. Expecting people to magically heal themselves in isolation is absolutely ridiculous and unhelpful. Every human being is flawed in some way. It’s ok to seek connection while having flaws. Literally everyone is flawed and most people don’t wait until they are the perfect specimen of a human being to look for connections with someone. It is ridiculous to suggest that someone should.
Edit: I am not trying to say that a partner will magically fix anyone. And I agree it’s good to be comfortable with yourself whether or not you have a partner. But I can’t stand when people repeat ad nauseum the bullshit that is telling people that they have to fix themselves before they are allowed to make human connections. It’s honestly damaging.
I never said anything about perfect or flawless; nobody is. Loving yourself is warm-up for loving others. You need to practice patience and forgiveness. You need to accept the person (or self) as they are, but also support them in their own journey for self improvement. If you don’t have the patience and hope for yourself, you should not expect to have that compassion for others.
The only love you get for free is from your parents, and not all parents even give it so freely.
Anyway I don’t consider this advice to be rhetoric. I’m not arguing for anything or selling anything. I’m just trying to share my experience with love. It’s not an easy thing to understand. You are free to ignore anything you don’t think is true.
Who do you admire in the world? What are the qualities in them you admire? What prevents you from possessing those qualities? If you admire that somebody would join a circus, practice juggling. If you admire those who are generous with their time or money, be more generous. You will eventually find you are the person you admire, if you work toward it.
So the love and compassion I have for some of my family and friends is negated and is fake because I don’t love myself? Am I supposed to stop interacting with all of them?
Yes, you do have to fix yourself before you can create stable interpersonal relationships, because what happens is that you can end up bringing some of that negative energy into whatever relationship you find yourself in, creating a burden for those around you.
This could then lead to a negative feedback loop where you lose your friends/partner, and end up hating yourself more.
If no one’s going to love you, you might as well love yourself.
I entirely disagree that you need to love yourself. More than anything you need to want to work on yourself.
If I think I’m a lost cause, why would I even try. Some people think they deserve to feel like shit. But I also agree with you that the desire to not feel like shit is what got me working to feel better. But liking myself is the lube that keeps the whole machine from seizing up into anxiety and depression.
