I think there’s a misconception regarding what counts as small talk. “Bland conversation that has no real point but to escape silence” is small talk. Asking you how your day went because I care about you is not. “How’s the weather?” is small talk. “How was your trip to the grocery?” is small talk. These are dumb things and, if your relationship can’t bear the silence that would be interrupted because “The vegan sausages were on sale today”, then it prolly doesn’t need to exist.
Yup. I ask my SO how they slept because I know they tend to go to bed late and I want to know if I should make time for them to take a nap or something.
We only talk about the weather when we’re deciding on plans for the day (e.g. picnic or dine in today?).
If you’re talking just to talk, you’ve already lost.
I’m not entirely sure what counts as small talk. When I think of it, it’s usually conversation between strangers or acquaintances where neither party knows the safe topics, the topics to be avoided, or even the general preferences of the other. It’s all testing water stuff.
I think that’s what people actually mean when they say they hate small talk. They hate the awkwardness of not yet knowing enough about their interlocutor to know they won’t accidentally upset anyone. Or they don’t have the skill to navigate that social space to avoid negative consequences. It can feel downright dangerous in some circumstances.
And that’s tough. Because the socialites think it’s a skill issue, which it often is. And unfortunately if you don’t learn that skill growing up, the social consequences of being bad at small talk only get bigger and more dangerous, which prevents folks from being able to practice freely.
I dunno. Just my $.02 I guess.
It’s funny cause to me it’s always meant a third entirely different thing! To me small talk is just starting from a basic place to feel each other out a bit, bringing up mundane things and simple questions to find topics we could drill further into.
“How was your day” to a partner would be small talk, even though I care about what they’re saying - I’m just asking so they can bring up something to talk about. “Weather’s been shit lately” to a stranger is small talk, but the ensuing story about how they had to rush to work late in the rain would not be.
Given it means three different things to three random people, it’s almost like “small talk” actually covers a broad set of social purposes and people who “aren’t into it” might actually be missing a lot 😝
This is how I feel as well. Small talk at it’s best is a way to transition into more detailed topics without plunging into them headfirst.
With friends and partners, I think small talk like “How was your day?” Provide a jumping off point for what they want to talk about or, in the worst case, will result in them not wanting to talk. If someone had a terrible day and is exhausted, it doesn’t help to start a conversation about the meaning of life when they probably just want to relax.
I don’t disagree with you at all, but the screenie was of a message addressing communication between people who are supposedly in an intimate conversation. One should hope that their conversations can be more substantive, personal, and easy-going in a romantic relationship.
Some ability to break ice with strangers using brief small talk is useful as a starting point for conversation, but if you truly know me, say what you need to say or enjoy the ASMR of my presence.
the social consequences of being bad at small talk only get bigger and more dangerous
Eh, I just went into a field largely dominated by introverts, which seems to have largely solved the problem.
I’m reasonably “good” at smalltalk, but I actively avoid situations where I need to use that skill.
haha I just small talk to appease social standards. In my ideal reality, intelligent beings are creating and doing greater things themselves every day and viewing it like a wasted day if they have not. I could, right now, talk about my design decisions I’m coding in to this editor today and what some of the plans are for it as of now. I wouldn’t talk about Why I’m focusing on the editor before the game because I’ve already been over that so there would be little gain for the ultimate quality of what I’m making in that conversation. And, with my ideal type of person, the conversation could easily drift in to what groundbreaking realms they are in too. It should be like this every day for an individual to be considered healthy. Comparatively, small talk is a waste meant to give vocalization options to beings fulfilling low to medium potential roles that cannot enter any realm of novelty themselves ~followers that cannot be waymakers. I know I say this in a realm of 90% people who are just fulfilling a low potential role while otherwise ‘passing the time’, just like the person in the post. So downvote me. You know it’s true tho and it isn’t the smalltalkers who are the next feynmans, einsteins, etc. Where do you aim for yourself? ‘passing the time’ ‘smalltalk’ level or higher?
I’m not going to be in a relationship with anyone who thinks “freewill” is a word.
In my perspective (a lonely person generally accustomed with my loneliness), small talk doesn’t seem to be the problem. The problem is the lack of people’s interest in deep topics, such as the aforementioned nature of reality: people either don’t have the needed patience, time, or both. People are so busy running through the survival game of the mundane existence that deep topics are left for their afterlives (if there’s one), when human ideologies and need for survival cease to exist. Small talk is like “sorry I got no time to think about the ultimate question of life, universe and everything else, gotta go to my modern slavery where I’m not paid to think but to obey, bye!”. Deep inside, seems like a fear of becoming lonely as those that, just like me, likes to think about the depths of the reality and breaking paradigms (for example, “shouldn’t we discuss how existence is so fleetingly finite in the grand scheme of cosmos and how futile is to accumulate wealth and goods?” is a granted source of loneliness).
There’s someone out there that would love talking about that stuff with you if you haven’t already found them just so you know! ❤️
Everyone’s got a person with a similar wave length as long as they don’t settle before then!
That doesn’t mean they will ever meet though… 😅
Not the OP, but I seem to share at least some form of his experience and I actually think this “song” does a really good job of summarizing how I feel about it.
I am as sure there is someone out there for me as I am of anything else I have a high degree of confidence in. On the matter of whether we will ever meet or not though, that I can’t say. Maybe the world is too large and time is too great. In the grand scheme of things we will find out soon enough.
The problem is the lack of people’s interest in deep topics,
I’m not sure about that. I think small talk serves occasions where you might want to keep it polite as deeper topics tend to become emotionally loaded disputes.
For example, going to a bubble tea shop. Usually, you don’t want to discuss the meaning of life with the shop keeper, but it may be a nice gesture to talk a bit about the small things in life. Small talk is a good way to share a pleasant conversation and appreciate each other.
Furthermore, small talk can serve as an opener to deeper topics if the occasion arises and everyone seems to be in the mood for such deeper topics.
Anyway, my wife and I are friends with the shop keeper now and we’ve talked about the weather, religions, vacations and how to raise children.
Extrovert cannot comprehend being quiet.
