Just realizing we were on different pages made it pretty bad. I went into it thinking we were on a real date and meeting for dinner and getting to know one another. He thought this was a lot more of a casual encounter…

Hold onto your butt’s for these. I have two that were equally awful.

I had a date with a guy I met on a dating site. His profile picture was of him standing way back in the background, so I couldn’t see what he looks like. But what the hell, he asked and I said yes.

He asked me out to IHOP at 9pm which is an unusual choice, but sure ok. I showed up a little early and sat at one of the booths. This guy walks in looking absolutely absurd. He’s wearing a fedora, a tacky animal print tshirt that’s way too large, tons of jewelry on his wrists/neck/fingers, cargo shorts, an attempt at a beard, and sandals with socks.

Not going great, but maybe he’s a nice guy with no sense for fashion. I’ll give him a shot.

We greet, he sits down, and with a raspy smoker voice, he begins to explain each and every piece of jewelry and what magical properties they bestow upon him. This one wards off evil spirits, this one wards off wraiths and phantoms, this one gives me the power to read emotions, this one allows me to talk to god, and on and on.

Clearly they weren’t working as I was very uncomfortable at this point. A man of his age dressing like that, being superstitious, and believing in magic? So very many red flags. I decided I never want to meet him again, but I was determined to finish the date on a positive note.

But then his ex-friends came into the IHOP, and shit went south quickly. They began to argue and shout at each another. Apparently my date was kicked out of their Pagan religion group… thing? My date was really bitter about it and decided to bring a date to this specific IHOP at this specific location and time because he knew his ex Pagan group regularly meets there. I think he was trying to prove something by having me there, but I don’t know what.

I paid for my half of the meal and slipped away. My date never noticed that I left. If his ex-Pagan group noticed, they didn’t say anything.

My second equally bad date was meeting another guy on the same dating site. He was an ok looking guy, 5 out of 10. But then again, I’m no beauty queen either so ehh, why not.

We were going to the movies for our first date, but we arrived suspiciously too early. He said he got the movie time mixed up, but we can pass the time walking around in the Petsmart store nearby. You clever clever man, that’s exactly how to melt my heart. Kudos to his plan.

We walked around the pet store, looking at all the cute animals, then we went to go see the movie. I don’t know why, but he refused to sit next to me. He insisted on keeping an empty seat between us. We ended the night and went our separate ways.

He called me again, inviting me to his Dungeons & Drafons game, which of course I said yes. Hell yes! But as it turns out, he had absolutely no interest in dating me. All he wanted was a female to join his game and play certain NPC roles in his campaign.

I’m ashamed to say I did the voice acting for his NPCs. After that, I never heard from the guy again.

five minutes after meeting her, she went into a graphically detailed spiel about how her father sexually abused her as a child. and she was very upbeat, happy, and smiling as if it was a delightfully fond memory the entire time.

I dont know what the end of the story is because by the time she got about, what i hope, was a quarter of the tway through, I had already been so completely creeped and skeezed out that I had developed a cold sweat, and I just got up from the table, said nope, and walked away.

I was kinda fucked up for a short while afterwards.

The only time i tried online dating apps to the point of actually talking to another human i met a young woman and we exchanged a few messages then arranged a phone call. On the phone she wouldn’t stop talking. It was pretty amazing, this flood of words pouring from her. I supposed it was because she was nervous, but still - being pretty pessimistic about the whole online dating thing to begin with - figured this would never work out because her non-stop talking was starting to weird me out a little. Not in a terrible way, just a little.

Anyway, she was going on and on about her job but was carefully avoiding any details that might identify where she worked, i guess so as to stay safe by not revealing too many personal details to a stranger. Somehow, though, I figured it out. She told me what area of the city she lived in, and i got enough details about the kind of work she did that i said something like: “Oh, you work at the Goodwill on blahblah street” and then there was dead silence. The flood of words stopped. We hung up soon after that. I felt really cool about guessing her workplace, like a detective, thinking i’d impressed her with my mind, but it wasn’t until years later that it dawned on me that i’d weirded her out even more than she weirded me out. A double oblivious weird out.

I’ve been catfished no less than three separate times.

Each one would post pictures of themselves that were either from when they were much younger, or in heavily contorted positions that hid their true proportions. I’m a very in-shape guy, and want my partner to be able to do things like hike/bike long distances with me, go climbing, outdoorsy stuff that I really enjoy.

Each one I felt like I had a connection with, but the fact that they concealed this was ultimately what lead me to break things off (in an amicable but forthright manner - “I like you but you misled me with your pictures, and that’s not how a good relationship starts.”).

But one had an extra flavor to it that makes it one of the worst.

Met this girl on tinder, we hit it off, she tells me she’s a cam model and I’m like “whatever you gotta do to make that money,” because I don’t judge, and the pictures she was sending me were tastefully erotic and nothing too graphic. Think softcore porn with some bondage and cosplay. Anyway, we meet at a restaurant and she’s wearing this big baggy raincoat, and I can tell immediately that the pictures she was sending me were pretty old. Her hair was a different color, different length (I love short dark hair on a woman), and she’s at least 50lbs heavier. However I’m of a mind that even if a date doesn’t end in a relationship, you can still have fun and perhaps make a new friend, so I just go with it.

We were there initially just to chat over drinks, but she orders an appetizer, a heavy entree (a pasta dish), AND a burger with fries. I helped eat the appetizer so she wouldn’t feel like she was eating alone, but I wasn’t hungry so that was it. It went OK, but halfway through the meal I realize I left my wallet at home, so I couldn’t pay. I end up buying a giftcard for the restaurant through a phone app in an attempt to at least pay for my portion of the meal, but the employees just could not care less, and she ends up covering it. I feel bad.

Now she invites me back to her place, and I feel obligated to go. We get to her apartment, and who opens the door? her mom. In a nightgown, smoking a cigarette. Keep in mind this woman is at least 33.

Her mom goes outside to smoke on the porch while she leads me to her bedroom (while grabbing a bottle of whisky). it’s the most disgusting bedroom I’d ever seen. Like, you could not see the floor for all the dirt and various debris. She pushes a pile of mostly clothes off the bed, and she invites me to lay down and watch TV with her. This is when she tells me that she’s gained weight because she recently broke her spine doing god-knows-what, and that she’s been recovering for almost a year now. She takes a slug of whiskey and takes down my pants, proceeding to contort her spine into a terrible position trying to give me a BJ. I couldn’t maintain an erection because of how worried I was about her spine, so I just kind of stopped her, got up, and left. Her mom waved to me from the porch as I walked out.

Another horrible date where I wasn’t catfished-

Met girl on Tinder, she’s super into me, to the point where I think she might have nefarious intentions. Like, we started talking and THAT night she wants to meet up. Red flags. She tells me she not only wants to hang out that night, but she wants to hang out AT MY PLACE. Another red flag. Then she tells me that she can’t drive to me because she doesn’t have a car. So her sister will drop her off at a parking lot where I can pick her up. I was letting my horny-ness dictate my decisions that evening for sure. I pick her up, and let her sister take a picture of my drivers license so she can rest easier.

She hops into my truck and we’re headed back to my place. She whips out a bowl, packs it full of weed and starts hitting that thing like a champ, two hits and it’s gone. She doesn’t offer me any, but she does inform me that she’s on mushrooms and can have some of those if I want. I decline.

We get to my house, and we’re hanging out in the kitchen talking. I put on background music (lofi hip hop beats to study and relax to lol) but for whatever reason she decides that it isn’t enough, and is streaming spotify on her phone, she informs me that she has 5 kids from 2 or 3 different dudes. She smokes like 3 more bowls from her chillum before inviting me to my own bedroom. We have sex, and at the moment of her climax, she yells to stick my thumb up her butt, it was dark and I couldn’t find it quick enough/hesitated to just shove it in there, and she seems very displeased. I tell her that I need to work early in the morning, and ask if I’ll be able to meet her sister in the same parking lot (it was on the way to work). She doesn’t really answer, but we turn in for the night. I offer her a new toothbrush so she can clean up before bed, she declines.

In the morning she asks for something warm to wear, and I lend her my favorite hoodie. She says we can have sex again, but only if she’s my girlfriend, I decline. Then she tells me that her sister can’t pick her up, and I’ll have to drive her to her sisters house (where she’s staying with her 5 children). This house is an hour away. When we arrive I thank her for the evening, and make sure to get my hoodie back. I’m very late for work, but luckily nobody cares. I told her the next day I wasn’t ready to be a father figure, and left it at that.