149 points

I’m beginning to think Pizza guys are the heroes we need

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41 points

They give us what we all crave: stuffed crust

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45 points

More pizza deliveries die on job than blue guys. Where thin bread line

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51 points

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14 points

Italian crust, front lines drenched in the marinara of the fallen

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11 points

Those blue guys don’t even make the top 20 deadliest jobs

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26 points

Pizza guy here, the best way to show gratitude is with a large gratuity.

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14 points

Gratitude all over me don’t worry about my hair

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11 points

Hiro Protagonist would agree

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80 points
*

That evening, someone didn’t get the pizza they ordered. They must’ve been pretty bummed about it. But Anon was certainly happier to eat it than they were upset to not get it, so total happiness increases!

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47 points

Anon told his boss, so maybe boss ordered another pizza?

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21 points

yea most likely someone just had to wait double the time for their pizza, which can be as little as 20minutes

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11 points

and no matter how miffed I‘d be about the longer wait, I would be very happy about it if they explained it

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28 points

I heard someone jumped off of that bridge that night due to being so bummed about not getting their pizza.

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9 points

I heard it was the entire family.

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5 points
*

The way I heard it was different. I heard the whole family was part of a death cult had planned to kill themselves by ordering an anthrax pizza at a shady pizzaria. Anon shared that pizza with the delivery guy, but as the later started experiencing strange symptoms, anon was unscathed. He called an ambulance in time for them to save him, and while running tests on Anon, they found a so far unknown antibody that made him immune to anthrax and some other pathogens and that could be used to save others. This night, Anon probably saved thousands, both by helping uncover a death cult conspiracy and helping medicine improve. The family that had ordered the suicide pizza went to therapy and came out alright. A raccoon safely gave birth that night. She would’ve been ran over by the pizza guy had he not seen Anon and stopped. One of the little raccoons would later forage a garbage container, throwing out a pipebomb that was on it’s way. This allowed the bomb to be found and disarmed in time, saving dozens of lives, including Anon’s.

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9 points

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4 points

Probably the boss explained something happened and sent them another pizze for free or gave them a refund.

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78 points

That pizza guy’s name? Albert Einstein

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30 points

Directed by Christopher Nolan

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6 points

Produced by Harvey Weinstein

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16 points

/r/nothingeverhappens

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45 points

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

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46 points

This is a good saying and sometimes true, but mental illness is usually a forever problem. I don’t say that to disparage it either; depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and internalized abuse fucking suck and it takes a while to tear down the self preservation instinct to the point where an ending can seem appealing, even if just for a moment.

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15 points
*

This is why we need to legalize psychedelics. When paired with counseling, they can create moments where you can see alternatives, which gives therapy a solid shot at success even for advanced cases.

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2 points

I’m 100% with you. I’m my case it’s not just seeing alternatives but feeling them that motivates me. I’ve felt them before, that things could be different from within me, and I want to feel them again.

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7 points

Eventually I realized that life itself is a temporary problem in the grand scheme of infinities. That realization kept me alive long enough to develop more positive coping tools.

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21 points

A permanent solution sounds pretty nice

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17 points

Works 100% of the time when completed. You can’t argue with results

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13 points

If you think this you’re incredibly privileged.

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13 points

I’m also incredibly handsome, too

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4 points

Good for you! 😄

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10 points

One person’s problem is over but everyone who cared about them has problems that are just beginning

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8 points

the temporary problem of always being a corporate slave until I die anyways, and failing every attempt at running a business or getting a better paying job, etc. Health continually tanking, bloody poop, constant migraines, cognitive decline, way behind on taxes again, feeling stressed out by any and all social stuff, no motovation to do anything yet trudging on for no idea why, nothing is fun, earth is being killed by the ultra rich and nothing is working, the masses are becoming more stupid and only helping worsen everything. dunno probably more. it comes and goes for me. my animals still need me but if I didn’t have them I wouldn’t have the energy for more of this shit. Maybe if it didn’t cost so much to merely be alive, let alone do or have enjoyable things.

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0 points

All those issues are solvable, as long as you’re still alive

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42 points

I mean, to be fair he was literally out with a friend. A new friend, yes, but a friend.

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22 points

That is, indeed, the point of that line.

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-8 points

No, the point of that line is that he did not, in fact, told his parents about his suicide attempt.

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12 points

Sorry, but this is just very poor media literacy. There are several paragraphs detailing friendly activities, concluding with “he gives me his phone number and tells me i can come back whenever i want”, followed by the “i was out with friends” line. It’s very, very obviously implying that anon recognises they have made a friend.

And yes, also, anon did not tell their parents about their suicide attempt.

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1 point

Yeah, that’s just objectively wrong.

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