pixeltree
In therapy and on antidepressants, and things were better for a while, but the past few months have shown me that nothing ever actually improves. I can feel better about stuff for a while, or more accurately be emotionally disconnected from how shitty things are, but they don’t improve. I’ve tried, and failed so hard I’m much worse off now than before I started antidepressants and therapy in the first place. I’m done. I wish I’d never tried to make things better in the first place. Having hope was stupid and just resulted in me hurting way more. I’m mostly just trying to avoid suicide for as long as possible, I think it’s pretty inevitable.
It’s certainly not pleasant, but not outright painful. The bad part of it is you feel like you should be panicking and struggling and fighting to breathe. If you’re rebreathing your air, so you’re not prevented from inhaling, and you take long, slow, breaths and keep calm and relaxed, it’s not nearly as unpleasant. I had a near suicide attempt where I gave it a try to see how bad it would actually be and it was scarily not as bad as I thought it would be. Granted I didn’t take it to unconsciousness or I wouldn’t be here to talk about it, but I got to the point my vision was getting fuzzy so I think it’s far enough to draw this conclusion.
Yeah. The odds of 20 coinflips coming up heads is 1 / 2^20, 1 in 1048576. Meaning, it would take over one million tries of 20 coinflips to get one that comes up all heads on average. Our surgeon has done the surgery 10000 times, you say. That’s 500 runs of 20 coinflips. The surgeon could do 2000 times the amount of surgery they’ve already done and not expect a given run of 20 surgeries to succeed. Granted, odds are slightly higher looking for a string of 20 successes in one run of 10000 than looking for one successful run of 20 in 500 runs of 20, but I don’t believe those odds are higher by one or more orders of magnitude. I don’t remember enough of my statistics class to calculate it though and I’m too lazy to look it up. In any case, either that last 20 is an INSANELY lucky run, or the surgeon has improved drastically, and it’s far far farore likely the surgeon has improved or found a way to improve the procedure.
The difference between this and the gambler’s fallacy being it’s not using past results to justify the next, we’re using past results to make a hypothesis that the conditions have changed. If you have a slot machine with a 1% chance to pay out, going 200 or 300 pulls without winning wouldn’t really be unusual. If it didn’t happen for enough tries that you reach the same odds as the surgeon hitting that 20 coinflips run, I’d say your 1% chance slot machine is broken or faulty – you’re so far out of the normal distribution your data points is in a different zip code
If DIY colonoscopy is something you want to do more than once, doing some anal training with a longer toy is probably a good idea. Helps you learn to relax your muscles and get a feel for your insides, which would probably be pretty helpful for maneuvering a scope around. Oh and when you’re doing it, work the scope in a bit, then take it out, relube, rinse and repeat. It’s hard to work lube in that deep, doing it iteratively like that helps. Let me know if you have any butt questions, toying is like my main hobby nowadays.
Thanks for your kind words.
It’s… I can and am choosing not to kill myself. I can’t choose to not want to kill myself. I think it’s kind of inevitable though, it’ll only take one time of things being bad enough for me to not care about hurting those who care about me. More or less just trying to give myself as much time as possible and enjoy what I can while I can.
I don’t really have any hope for the future. It’s become incredibly clear to me over the past few months that while I can feel better sometimes, nothing actually improves. Things don’t improve unless you actively try to improve them, and having tried and failed spectacularly it’s apparent that I even if I kept trying, it would be ineffective, and I just can’t care enough to keep trying.
I really don’t want to keep living, but I choose to anyways, at least until things I get bad I can’t choose anymore. I won’t hurt my friends and family and I know how I see things and how I feel are different from the reality of my situation. Just eventually, those won’t be enough anymore.
I… actually did something similar a month ago. Just with a bag. Scary that it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, kind of removes one of the barriers discouraging it.
