Holy shit, I’m batting like a .500 for not eating the onion. Which would be good in baseball. But it’s pretty bad odds for me in this case.

Those five seconds it took me to see that’s the onion weren’t as wild as you might expect. It felt like a normal statement.

Ate it. What a time to be alive!

I must say a small part of me is beginning to loathe the 50-50 on whether some of the US-related headlines are real or not

Okay, here’s a fun game: How many Onion headlines came true shortly thereafter? Other than “No way to prevent this”