I have a few.
One is abbreviation hell. Nobody is going to spend the time trying to decipher what you mean when you use over several abbreviations. It is just better if you’d explain than expecting people to understand aside from commonly used abbreviations that are easy to understand.
Another is overstepping your limits for the sake of getting a partner. Compromising your own standards is perhaps one of the worst things you can do when it comes to trying to find dates. Like you’re suddenly okay with dating single parents but you don’t like children. You’re suddenly okay with dating religious people but you’re not religious. Things like that. Because it means you’re desperate and you’re setting yourself up and setting them up for a bad date.
The biggest mistake I see is that people don’t ever mix with people anymore.
Honestly the biggest single question I would ask if I wanted to bet how likely someone gets a partner would be “how often do you leave your house outside of work and grocery shopping” Do stuff. Dating apps try to bring single folk to you but you’ll have far more fun just… doing stuff. Doesn’t matter if you go alone or with a group, it’s usually more fun than just browsing the internet.
Go to a car show, go to an anime/scifi/star trek/furry convention, go to a craft fair, go to a bar and sit at the counter, find some way to have fun in public. Don’t even bother trying to hunt down a partner, just have fun in a public setting. If you find ways to have fun in public, you start going out in public more. You do that, you start meeting potential partners by accident. Not only that:
- You start learning social skills
Being surrounded by strangers means you can do a faux pas and nobody will remember it was you a week from now. They’re strangers, they remember the story but not the person. A group of strangers can be oddly freeing, you can say no to them and never see them again. If they judge you you’ll probably never see them again.
- You start learning about your area
I learned Minneapolis has a fire breathing co-op so you can learn to juggle flames, a 501st legion of starwars cosplayers that can bring the empire to any event, a working ecto 1 that sometimes prowls the streets and has a youtube series.
- You start becoming more interesting.
Did you click the links? You see what I mean? Now this is an interesting post. You now have things to talk about, about the land around you to whoever you’re talking to. It also provides two really great topics to talk about. “what have you found around here?” “what have I found around here?” Is there another event? A club or bar that is just bizarre? A sport or game you’ve never heard of. Apparently Minnesota’s roller derby team is amazing, still haven’t found the time to watch a game, but if you can find one, why not try there?
Seriously just… do something. Find an event. If you think it’s stupid then try to verify if it’s stupid. (never was interested in cars, but it was free. Turns out the car show had the ecto 1, and the adam west batmobile. My hypothesis was proven wrong) Instead of scrolling through lemmy or facebook, wander around an event and watch and listen. If you see a booth, ask about it.
I found that I could keep things interesting to me by basically playing a scavenger hunt with events. Go to an event and find your next event at the event you’re at. An event can be anything from a party, a convention, to a place that’s just plain interesting. It also really got people interested. Whenever I brought up my quest “find an event at this event”, people loved the idea and would often try to help. Heck, sometimes they’d even tag along at the next one.
I think your assessment of the issue is accurate. People don’t go out and do things like they did before the pre cellphone and internet age.
But for me…for the life of me if I go out and do stuff on my own, I cannot interact with strangers. It’s uncomfortable, unpleasant, and I don’t get anything out of it. I don’t know how that’s supposed to magically swing the other direction.
Hell, even with people I like and know well… interacting with them outside of our “normal” routine is uncomfortable and unpleasant for me. Over the years, I’ve befriended someone at work and feel comfortable there. But for the life of me, I cannot gain the same level of comfort and satisfaction hanging out outside of work.
I’ve had a sister in law for years and years now. Despite this, I do not have the inability to interact with her. It is uncomfortable, unlessant, and I do not get anything out of it. It’s not her fault…she’s a very nice person. But I just absolutely cannot ever gain comfort around people in certain (read: many) types of scenarios. I am comfortable around my parents and that’s it. No matter how often I spend with other people.
Exposing myself repeatedly to these scenarios has not ever helped or made any sort of difference.
I go out and do stuff for me. I’m perfectly comfortable with wandering around and looking at things without ever interacting with everyone besides thanking the person behind the register after buying something. I’ve had social anxiety for so long that it’s become a normal thing for me now to not expect any interaction with anyone. And, because of this, no one wants to talk to the quiet person who is scared to look at you in the eye. They might think I’m just being rude or something but in reality I’m avoiding a potential interaction that scares me. So, speaking to what this person said about going out and doing stuff I can relate. Going out in public doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll interact with people. You can be alone even when surrounded by people.
I can relate to this. Several times I have forced myself to go out and mix with people only to be back again in home and think that I got nothing positive from the experience, sometimes neither a good time during the process. Right now I think that Im transitioning to the acceptance that I just don’t like people and I want to be by myself.
Trying to be too serious too quick. You’ve gotta let the dopamine rush of the possibilities wear off before truly knowing if the person is a good fit.
This is a big one that I honestly still struggle with sometimes. I was on the opposite end of it for the first time earlier this year though.
I think I’m on the opposite end now, myself. My walls have gotten too high. Any tips?
I remember being on the receiving end of that, and this can actually be a good limit is test on compatibility regarding communication and boundaries. First step is to communicate that you feel it moving too fast. If the person is receptive and able to recalibrate without too much drama (it’s understandable to get a little taken aback), that’s a great sign. If their emotions go a little haywire, it might show signs of potential issues that may need to get worked out or that y’all aren’t on the same page emotionally.
For most people, yes. But me and my girlfriend talked kids, marriage and so on on our first date irl.
Not sure whether it’s a mistake or not, but when I see people being so negative on their profile, I skip. It’s fine to announce your intentions (eg, looking forward a commitment, not looking for a situationship), but if your profile is mainly a list of don’t’s, then that to me screams you’ve still got issues to work through.
Another one are the people who either don’t fill out a profile, or say something trite like “if you want to know, ask”. That makes me think you’re lazy, and expect the other person to do all the work. If you can’t be bothered even a little, then I can’t be bothered even a little.
It’s sad to see people who want a bad boy/girl and just end up in a toxic relationship. It’s possible to find someone who is badass AND willing to treat you with respect, but they are not common. It takes way too long for people to realize that the gentler person is going to lead to a better relationship in the long run.
No idea. I always tell them how nice I am, I always hold the door for them, and I even shower before we meet up. I’ve even going so far as to pick them up at their houses, they never seem to appreciate it. Some have reacted quite unexpectedly, slamming the door and yelling about police. I’ve learned to never show initiative and learn their address beforehand, as the effort is never reciprocated. Maybe if I was some knuckledragging douchebag, I’d get some of the attention I deserve.
It says a lot about the strange people you meet online that, had I never responded, no one but me would truly know if this offhand comment actually came from a deranged stalker or just some drunk and bored idiot looking to do some light trolling.
I find if you visit them in their bedroom for a surprise you can get to know how they react under stressful situations.
Honestly to me that’s really important. I need someone who is cool and calm under pressure
