A gentle reminder that Jerry Seinfeld is pro-genocide, and his wife financially supported a counter protest to those speaking out against Palestinian civilians being slaughtered.
Never hand a boomer your phone. Especially an elderly boomer, and especially if that boomer is your mother. They will always start swiping. It’s like their brain just deflates. Their eyes glaze over. They get this wide, tranquil smile, as if to say, “Hot dawwg! This boundless collection of photos I’ve been handed is going to be a real treat!”, and they just start swiping. They just start fucking swiping.
As a boomer fully versed in modern phone usage I resent this unwarranted collective slur.
I apologize for any offense I may have caused, but I believe your presence here is no coincidence. You have to be the messenger. Please pass it along to the others via email chain letter, or perhaps more effectively, state that Mark Zuckerberg has changed the rules of Facebook and requires all users to automatically swipe when handed people’s phones. That should be effective in getting Aunt Joyce to do the exact opposite.
Pass it on yourself, I haven’t used FB in at least 10 years. I’m guessing you don’t eat avocado toast either. Stereotypes are stupid aren’t they.
Just make every second image in your phone this GIF:
Get some Operant Conditioning in them.
My boomer mother swiped too far on her own phone when she was showing me something
I love that my gallery app has a “guest view”. I can select some photos, tap “guest view” and hand someone my phone. They can then only swipe across these photos, and if they try to leave the app the lock screen comes up.
Modern Kramer: removed
I’d love if they made this a tv show, and shot it with “Kramer” still being a character. However, Micheal Richards is not part of the show.
They get a voice actor who can do a voice impression of Kramer, but there’s no actual human body. The 3 actors interact with air.
They rig the door to open as if he were opening it, and they all act like he’s there.
They could even do a scene where Kramer explains his physical absence.
K: “Oh, Jerry, it’s the newest thing! Yeah it’s called AI. You just replace your whole existence with an artifical intelligence! Isn’t that wild???”
J: “Yeah, for you that would be an upgrade having any intelligence at all!”
E: “Kramer, I don’t think that’s what AI is. I don’t know WHAT this is, but it’s not AI.”
G: “Yeah. Where’s your body?”
K: “Oh, I’m out there, baby!”
J: “You certainly are out there, that’s for sure!”
K: “Jerry, you gotta get in on this! It’s the wave of the future! I’m telling ya! By 2032 nobody is going to have a physical body!”
J: “Remember when you said I should invest in Enron?”
K: “Hey, that wasn’t my fault. They were making CRAZY money!”
J: “Yeah, it WAS crazy! Crazy illegal! And remember when you said Vine was the next big thing?”
K: “And it was!..for about 12 seconds.”
J: “How did you even DO this anyway???”
E: “Yeah, I’m confused what’s even happening here. We can’t see you, we can’t smell you, we can hear you somehow, but we can’t touch you.”
K: “Oh you can touch me alright!”
Elaine gives disgusted face
G: “Well hold on, maybe theres some merrit to this. Let me ask you this, Kramer. Could I use this to NOT be at my job, but my bosses think I am?”
J: “Oh, here we go…”
K: “Well I don’t see why not. They can’t see you. You pop your head in at the start of the day, they hear your voice, and pop in at the end of the end of the day, who’s to say what you were doing the rest of the day?”
J: “That’s so stupid!”
G: “No it’s GENIUS!!! I can get 8 different full time jobs, with 8 different pay checks, not do ANY of the work, and do about 30 minutes of effort a day! I’M BACK BABY!!!”
J: “There no way THIS plan could go wrong…”
door opens, nobody enters, Newmans voice
“Hello Jerry!”
J: “Oh, now Newman is doing it too???”
Newman walks in carrying an oversized postal package
N: “Doing what? I just brought this package you ordered. Sign here.”
J: “I thought you were invisable…Hello…Newman.”
N: “I was wondering where that was. Invisable? Why would I be invisable?”
K: “Because why WOULDN’T you want to be invisable???”
Newman screams and falls backwards over the couch
N: “Kramer??? You’re invisable???”
E: “Ugh, don’t ask. It’s a whole thing…”
N: “But how?”
K: “It’s called AI…”
E: “No it’s not…”
K: “Alright smartypants! Why don’t YOU tell us what it is then?”
E: “I don’t know. It all feels like a jump the shark moment, like Pickle Rick.”
J: “Pickle Rick? Oh, you mean that guy who had a deli on 8th street until he went crazy trying to forcefully sell people his own brand of pickles.”
E: “Yeah, that’s Pickle Rick. What else would I call him?”
(Jerry’s apartment. Jerry is sitting on the couch reading a magazine when suddenly Kramer bursts through the door, wild-eyed and disheveled, as usual.)
Kramer: (throws his arms up dramatically) “They canceled me, Jerry! CANCELED!”
Jerry: (startled, looking up) “Canceled? Canceled from what? You’re not even on anything!”
Kramer: “Oh, I’m on something, buddy. I’ve been doing the rounds on KramerTube—my web series! You know, the one where I rate New York City hot dog carts on ‘snap, spice, and sauerkraut consistency.’ It was a big hit!”
Jerry: “Your web series? You’ve been reviewing hot dogs and you got canceled? What, did you say something about ketchup?”
Kramer: “Oh, it was nothing, Jerry! I just mentioned that Eddie’s on 34th has ‘suspicious mustard.’ And BAM! The next day, the internet turns on me. Hashtag ‘CancelKramer!’ It’s trending!”
Elaine: (walking in, curious) “What’s trending?”
Jerry: “Kramer got canceled. Apparently, the mustard was too suspicious.”
Elaine: “You? Canceled? How does someone who already operates on the fringes of society get canceled?”
Kramer: “They’re trying to shut me down, Elaine! My sponsors pulled out. No more free hot dog samples from Louie’s Lunch Shack. And they’re not inviting me to the Annual Hot Dog Summit!”
Jerry: “There’s an Annual Hot Dog Summit?”
Kramer: “It’s a big deal, Jerry! Last year, they gave out a lifetime achievement award to the inventor of the pretzel bun. I was on my way up! And now… I’m OUT!”
George: (bursting in, holding his phone) “Did you hear about this? Kramer’s trending! You’re famous, buddy! You’re a meme!”
Kramer: (suspicious) “A meme? What kind of meme?”
George: (showing his phone) “This one: ‘Suspicious Mustard Guy.’ You’re staring at a hot dog like it’s hiding state secrets. It’s everywhere!”
Kramer: “It’s out of context! Out of context!”
Elaine: “Oh, please. You love this. This is the most attention you’ve ever gotten in your life.”
Kramer: “Not like this, Elaine! They’re calling me ‘The Mustard Menace.’ My reputation is ruined!”
Jerry: “I think your reputation was already on thin ice when you started a hot dog review series.”
Kramer: “I’ll have you know, Jerry, my series was bringing awareness to the integrity of this city’s sausage scene! And now, thanks to the internet mob, it’s all over!”
George: “What’s the problem? You’re famous. Lean into it! Do a redemption tour. Write a mustard manifesto.”
Kramer: (perks up, thoughtful) “Redemption tour, huh? That’s not bad. I could partner with Grey Poupon! Maybe start a charity for underprivileged condiments…”
Jerry: “Sure, because what the world really needs is your hot takes on relish politics.”
Kramer: (snaps his fingers) “This isn’t over, Jerry. I’ll rebuild. Hot dog by hot dog, I’ll clear my name!” (storms out dramatically)
Elaine: (watches him leave) “How long do we give him before he’s banned from another summit?”
Jerry: (smirking) “Two weeks. Tops.”
She’s a swiper, Jerry!
I was thinking and I could totaly see george showing up at the wrong time only to get dragged along with a mass shoplifting crowd and being the only one caught