I socially transitioned before I started hormones, and when I went out in public wearing women’s clothes, people would look at me frequently, and some people would stare at me. It was obvious I didn’t pass from these kinds of responses, but I also got somewhat used to that treatment.
Over time, with hormone therapy, I get fewer and fewer instances of this. I haven’t been stared at in a long time, and I think people look at me less.
At one point I would describe my experience as being a “woman shaped object” - in people’s peripheral vision I looked like a normal woman, but if someone interacted with me they could tell I was trans.
I went out yesterday and got my nails done, went shopping, went out for dinner, etc. and interactions with people made me think they couldn’t tell I was trans, but I just don’t know whether they can actually tell or not.
While waiting in line to buy some clothes, a woman wanted to chat about how long the line was taking, and she interacted with me as though I were a normal woman - there wasn’t a hint of stigma, curiosity, etc.
Anyway - this just makes me wonder: what are others’ experiences with passing and not-passing, what are little clues that you aren’t passing or when you are?
I assume you just can’t actually tell when people are being polite vs not knowing, but maybe there are little hints.
Thanks!
While waiting in line to buy some clothes, a woman wanted to chat about how long the line was taking, and she interacted with me as though I were a normal woman - there wasn’t a hint of stigma, curiosity, etc.
That’s great! <3 I’m not out so not much to add, other than I hope to reach the same stage one day
I wish I would pass to myself 😭 I felt so dysphoric yesterday, I just can’t believe anyone would not see me as trans - but I also don’t know how to explain their behavior.
Yeah it definitely sounds like you’re passing, at least mostly!
I also suffer from dysphoria so often, and feel I’m not passing when I do. Our brains are trained on the previous data of our faces on bodies as they were prior to transition and can still nitpick bits and pieces of what we used to look like that was masculine. Our brains mean well but… It can be hard to forget.
On the plus side it sounds like people see you and know you’re a woman, at least most of the time if not all :) 💜
I usually assume people are being polite. I know my voice is still pretty “unique” as one acquaintance put it, so I figure that’ll always out me no matter how far along my body gets with HRT.
But still. Passing isn’t as important to me as being treated the way I want to. More and more often now, strangers have been using my preferred pronouns without me having to tell them first. And whatever the reason for that is, it makes me sooo happy~
yeah, I assume most people are just being polite as well. My voice isn’t cis-passing IMO (but my self-perception can be off), but it no longer sounds like a man’s voice either, and in public I pay much more attention to my voice and try to pass with it more (major work in progress, honestly one of the hardest parts of transitioning).
Passing is important to me for safety reasons because of where I live, but admittedly it hasn’t been my explicit goal as much as something that I desire. No one has sir’d me or used he/him pronouns in a long time, but sometimes I get a “they” that could indicate they don’t know my gender and want to be careful, though that is sometimes just my sensitivity (sometimes they use “she” later for example and the “they” then seems less like I thought).
But yay to strangers using your preferred pronouns without prompting, that’s awesome!
Ah yes, the they/them when I go as she/her… Although it sort of irks me right when I hear it, l still see it as a sign of progress – I’ve made it to the gray area! That’s better than where I started!
yes, you get it 😅 “androgynous” is better than “man”, and “I don’t know your gender and I want to be polite” is better than “sir” or he/him. Still, makes me feel like my gender is broken or something.
You know you’re passing when Republicans treat you like a sex object and stop listening to anything you say /hj
honestly, when I was getting my nails done, a dude walked up and got way too close, took his sandals off bumping into my shoes, etc. - I am not used to people violating my personal space that way and being so impolite about my belongings, so I think that might have been gendered, i.e. maybe he felt he could take my space because he was a man? surreal experience tbh
Congratulations, that means you pass. Bad news, that means you pass. Yeah some men think they can treat women however they please especially considering recent events (see “your body my choice” incels).
This, for real though. You can often tell you’ve made it when people stop treating you specially.
By way of analogy: I live in a non-English-speaking part of the world, and was very self-conscious about my language ability. To begin with, everyone told me “you speak very well” (with an implied “for a foreigner”), but after a lot of practice that finally gave way to a curt “that’s wrong” whenever I slipped up. Now people generally assume I was born here to immigrant parents.
Gender-wise (although I’m nowhere near female-passing yet), I guess things like double-takes in bathrooms, or people being “gentlemanly” are good things to look out for?
I went out yesterday and got my nails done, went shopping, went out for dinner, etc. and interactions with people made me think they couldn’t tell I was trans, but I just don’t know whether they can actually tell or not.
While waiting in line to buy some clothes, a woman wanted to chat about how long the line was taking, and she interacted with me as though I were a normal woman - there wasn’t a hint of stigma, curiosity, etc.
Not much to add but I just found this interesting. When personal goals meet social goals I guess.
I wish it felt like actually meeting those goals, I don’t experience it that way.
Hm. Well, it’s hard to judge how far you made it of course, but if you pass on a first glance out and about, then you seem to be on the right track? Usually people get second glances whenever something feels off. Like you look over someone, your eyes move past them, but then your brain is like “hold on a second?” and your eyes dart back. If that happens less and less then that means you’re passing certainly more than before and end up blending in. I think that sounds like decent progress at least.
So here’s the thing. As long as your goal is to pass, you’ll always feel like you’re not meeting your goals (even if you are meeting them) , because that goal is based in fear of consequences and in self image.
Ask yourself why you want to pass. Is it to have more experiences like the one with the woman in the line? Where you can just exist and have regular day to day interactions with folk? Cause you’re achieving that, whether or not you believe you pass.
Shift your goals is my advice :)
Your comments are wise as usual. :-)
Unfortunately I think the reasons I want to pass are probably deeper than just the pragmatic ones, which is maybe why I feel conflicted about those desires (i.e. I think the desires could be self-defeating / harmful).
Certainly the pragmatic consequences of passing are nice: it’s safer, the social interactions are smoother, it’s more affirming, and so on. But I want to pass for more than the pragmatic reasons, e.g. I get hung-up on my own trans-ness being wrong, about feeling inauthentic as a woman, about constantly feeling afraid of being outed or clocked, etc.
I think you are right that I should shift my goals from “passing” to the more pragmatic goal of living in an assimilated / integrated way (whether I pass or not), but I am not sure how much control I have over that, considering I never entered into transition thinking I would ever pass, and it was never an explicit goal I allowed myself to have.
Honestly, I need to spend more time undoing my own anti-trans bias - I am not sure how to best do that, but I’m sure I could work on it.
it’s so weird, I feel like I’ll never pass, but other people seem convinced that I almost do or something, maybe it’s just friends being nice, but then people I didn’t know will act like i pass and gosh it’s confusing.
