I socially transitioned before I started hormones, and when I went out in public wearing women’s clothes, people would look at me frequently, and some people would stare at me. It was obvious I didn’t pass from these kinds of responses, but I also got somewhat used to that treatment.
Over time, with hormone therapy, I get fewer and fewer instances of this. I haven’t been stared at in a long time, and I think people look at me less.
At one point I would describe my experience as being a “woman shaped object” - in people’s peripheral vision I looked like a normal woman, but if someone interacted with me they could tell I was trans.
I went out yesterday and got my nails done, went shopping, went out for dinner, etc. and interactions with people made me think they couldn’t tell I was trans, but I just don’t know whether they can actually tell or not.
While waiting in line to buy some clothes, a woman wanted to chat about how long the line was taking, and she interacted with me as though I were a normal woman - there wasn’t a hint of stigma, curiosity, etc.
Anyway - this just makes me wonder: what are others’ experiences with passing and not-passing, what are little clues that you aren’t passing or when you are?
I assume you just can’t actually tell when people are being polite vs not knowing, but maybe there are little hints.
Thanks!
If you’re perceived as a woman people tend to be friendlier and more polite towards you. My expierence with transitioning into a man is that people are generally more indifferent and cautious towards me now. I have to be a lot more mindful of coming across as “creepy” or “dangerous” than I used to be specifically with women who are strangers. I’m neither of those things, but the expectation of men being inherently threatening still prevails.
ooo, this a useful observation, thank you.
Thinking about it, I have found even when people know I’m trans, like when laser techs are lasering my genitals so there is no room for ambiguity, they treat me as a different gender than “man”, i.e. the way they talk to me and themselves is in a way that I know as distinct from when I was perceived as a man (higher pitched or feminine, more warm, more talkative in general, nicer, etc. even between themselves). Being a trans woman, contrary to anti-trans rhetoric, seems at least in my case to be perceived as at least partially disarming.
Other good examples include when I went out in public pre-hormones and wore dresses and such, and people (usually liberal white women) would regularly tell me they love my dress or skirt or whatever, and I would get over-friendly looks from some people. It seemed like the opposite of the glaring conservative men, I got overly kind supportive liberals. This over-friendliness has been replaced with indifference and maybe normal polite-friendliness instead over time.
Thinking about your experiences, I do feel for trans men who cross the threshold into that lonely life, but having lived as a lonely man, there are definitely some men who can offer close fraternity - it is just hard sometimes to find those men and form relationships, but it is possible!
At this point in my life I am content with the good friends that I’ve made in college. I find that I have the closest friendships with queer men because there’s less of an atmosphere of us both constantly trying to signal and prove our masculinity and more of a “whatever make you happy, I don’t care” attitude. Less repression and insecurity, essentially.
Oh! Is that what it is?
I’ve been using my “girl voice” all the time now, and while I might be said to present somewhat androgynous, I’m perhaps not obviously trying to appear feminine. BUT, when I talk to people, they (particularly men) have started responding in much softer tones after they hear my voice. I thought they might just be imitating me, but could it be their “talking to women” voice? I hope so :3
I had a person do this when I first transitioned, he started emulating my higher voice in unusual ways. I tended to feel like I was being perceived as a gay man in those moments, rather than as a woman. I think often androgynous expressions lean into “feminine man” territories that lots of people perceive as “gay”. It has been a real struggle for me to break out of “gay man” into “feminine woman” territory.
That said, it could be that the softer tone is for lots of reasons, I don’t think it’s a bad sign - much better than being viewed as a fellow man and treated as such!
When Instagram starts censoring your nipples.
haha, but seriously the algorithm does a poor job of correctly identifying women or the “female” nipple
You know you’re passing when Republicans treat you like a sex object and stop listening to anything you say /hj
honestly, when I was getting my nails done, a dude walked up and got way too close, took his sandals off bumping into my shoes, etc. - I am not used to people violating my personal space that way and being so impolite about my belongings, so I think that might have been gendered, i.e. maybe he felt he could take my space because he was a man? surreal experience tbh
Congratulations, that means you pass. Bad news, that means you pass. Yeah some men think they can treat women however they please especially considering recent events (see “your body my choice” incels).
This, for real though. You can often tell you’ve made it when people stop treating you specially.
By way of analogy: I live in a non-English-speaking part of the world, and was very self-conscious about my language ability. To begin with, everyone told me “you speak very well” (with an implied “for a foreigner”), but after a lot of practice that finally gave way to a curt “that’s wrong” whenever I slipped up. Now people generally assume I was born here to immigrant parents.
Gender-wise (although I’m nowhere near female-passing yet), I guess things like double-takes in bathrooms, or people being “gentlemanly” are good things to look out for?
While waiting in line to buy some clothes, a woman wanted to chat about how long the line was taking, and she interacted with me as though I were a normal woman - there wasn’t a hint of stigma, curiosity, etc.
That’s great! <3 I’m not out so not much to add, other than I hope to reach the same stage one day
I wish I would pass to myself 😭 I felt so dysphoric yesterday, I just can’t believe anyone would not see me as trans - but I also don’t know how to explain their behavior.
Yeah it definitely sounds like you’re passing, at least mostly!
I also suffer from dysphoria so often, and feel I’m not passing when I do. Our brains are trained on the previous data of our faces on bodies as they were prior to transition and can still nitpick bits and pieces of what we used to look like that was masculine. Our brains mean well but… It can be hard to forget.
On the plus side it sounds like people see you and know you’re a woman, at least most of the time if not all :) 💜
I usually assume people are being polite. I know my voice is still pretty “unique” as one acquaintance put it, so I figure that’ll always out me no matter how far along my body gets with HRT.
But still. Passing isn’t as important to me as being treated the way I want to. More and more often now, strangers have been using my preferred pronouns without me having to tell them first. And whatever the reason for that is, it makes me sooo happy~
yeah, I assume most people are just being polite as well. My voice isn’t cis-passing IMO (but my self-perception can be off), but it no longer sounds like a man’s voice either, and in public I pay much more attention to my voice and try to pass with it more (major work in progress, honestly one of the hardest parts of transitioning).
Passing is important to me for safety reasons because of where I live, but admittedly it hasn’t been my explicit goal as much as something that I desire. No one has sir’d me or used he/him pronouns in a long time, but sometimes I get a “they” that could indicate they don’t know my gender and want to be careful, though that is sometimes just my sensitivity (sometimes they use “she” later for example and the “they” then seems less like I thought).
But yay to strangers using your preferred pronouns without prompting, that’s awesome!
Ah yes, the they/them when I go as she/her… Although it sort of irks me right when I hear it, l still see it as a sign of progress – I’ve made it to the gray area! That’s better than where I started!
yes, you get it 😅 “androgynous” is better than “man”, and “I don’t know your gender and I want to be polite” is better than “sir” or he/him. Still, makes me feel like my gender is broken or something.
