This is a serious question, mostly addressed to the adult women among us but also to anyone else who has a stake in the matter.
What did your father do for you/not do for you, that you needed?
Context: I have recently become a father to a daughter, with a mother whose father was not around when she was growing up. I won’t bore you all with the details but our daughter is here now and I am realising that I’m the only one in our little family who has really had a father before. But I have never been a girl. And I know that as a boy, my relationships with my mother and father were massively influential and powerful but at the same time radically different to each other. People say that daughters and fathers have a unique relationship too.
Question: What was your father to you? What matters the most when it comes to a father making his daughter loved, safe, confident and free? To live a good life as an adult?
I’d like this to be a mature, personal and real discussion about daughters and fathers, rather than a political thing, so I humbly ask to please speak from the heart and not the head on this one :)
Thank you
P.S Apologies if this question is badly written or conceived; I haven’t been getting enough sleep! It is what it is!
For me, it means a lot when my dad can apologise and take accountability for his mistakes. Sometimes he can be very quick to judge, which can feel diminishing, but whenever he comes around and recognises his behaviour it always feels better. It shows me he’s had time to think and reflect on his own personality.
I guess it’s obvious that spending time and sharing hobbies is important. For example, my dad and I recently went to the cinema together to watch the new Planet of the Apes movie. We frequently send songs or posts of animals to each other. Small things like that are fun. It don’t need to be a full-on planned father/daughter day.
As a father, love your child, accept your child, and above all listen to your child.
Thanks so much for your advice. Listening has come a lot in this discussion and I wasn’t expecting it… Why is that? is it because listening shows a daughter that she matters?
My wife’s father is still peddling that toxic masculinity bullshit on his grandson, saying…to our 1-year-old… To toughen it up.
My wife about lost it on him. Now that was to our son but for our daughter it would be no different and it’s a reflection of her childhood.
Being emotionally unattached, uncomfortable with crying, and being incapable saying sorry and admitting you’re wrong are simply massive. Kids are kids but they have a keen sense of justice and parents should empower them to stand up for themselves and be proud of them for exposing you as a hypocrite… Not beat them with a belt…
And for goodness sake, play with your kid. She wants to play dolls? Dress you up? Paint your nails? Tea time? By god you do it! If she wants to play with army men (they make army gals, too), go for it!
I don’t have much positive examples, but I suppose we can learn from mistakes. Alright, here goes …
- You just created a new human. This human to a certain degree takes precedence now. Plan accordingly, don’t move every 2 years, give her a chance to grow with her environment. (I can explain this is detail if needed.)
- If your kids cries, it’s probably not because it’s an evil manipulator. It does not need to be told to be tough.
- If your kid consistently gets sick when she has to go to school, don’t just send her anyway, check if there’s a reason.
- Be curious! When she says or does something you don’t understand, ask. Be open about the answer and don’t judge what you hear.
- Be on her side. If you’re taking a different position, explain the why and how.
- Clean up together, involve her, be a part of it! Show her that men have a part to play in household stuff, teach her that it can be fun to live in a tidy, clean, beautiful space.
- Your child is not part of fights with your wife. If you want to go to Hawaii and your wife wants Canada, your kid will not be the one to decide.
- Don’t make jokes about or be ironic with a kid. A 14 year old is still a kid, a 16yo is still a kid. Kids are very vulnerable and you’re teaching them, that they can’t trust you with stuff. Particularly when it comes to love/gender/sex/periods, just don’t act like it’s funny.
- Do not comment body shape, not hers, not others, not in general. You have a type? Good for you, but that isn’t for your daughter to know or consider. If you like petite dark haired women but your daughter is tall and blonde, she will understand this as her not being pretty enough. No matter how pretty she is or if your wife is just as tall and blonde. Sentences like “All xy-women eventually turn into square shape, it’s just how that demographic works” are shitty without you telling this to your kid.
- She likes a boy band? Great, you can drive her to the gig and pick her up later!
- She reads teenager magazines because she’s a teenager, maybe you want to hear her opinion on this stuff. She certainly doesn’t need any condescending attitude though.
- Maybe sometimes children need to be humbled, but many times life will do that on its own. Consider your own vulnerabilities, before putting them in their place. What they said may sound arrogant, but still be true for their situation.
- Whatever she wants to do or create: Be supportive! She does not need to be a child genius and you don’t need to tell her, that she’s not Picasso.
- “There will only be boys there, are you sure that’s what you want to do?” is not in your vocabulary.
- When she picks a study subject, maybe don’t point out that this may be too hard for her. Help her prepare instead!
You can do this! My list is very long, but ultimately simple: If you lean into your own vulnerabilities and share this with her, a lot of these things will happen on their own. Be open and curious. You can’t teach her everything, she’ll have to fall on her face by herself. Be there to pick her up afterwards and just keep that up.
