He’d remove the lid of the toilet exposing the refill tubes, take the hose off the tube and use it as a bidet. Then he’d take the shower curtain and make an air tight seal over the toilet tank and poke a hole, he sits on the hole and makes a new air tight seal and starts flushing the toilet, this creates a slight vacuum effect causing the water on his man seal from the bidet to evaporate a bit faster than being exposed to the air. Then he stuffs the curtain into the toilet clogging it and breaks off the float in the tank, the room very slowly floods with water, right as he is about to run out of air he takes a deep breath and starts shoving on the door and with the water filling the room there is enough outward pressure for the door to fly open and both he and the bathroom attendant are able to escape.

We’re missing way too much context here. Public or home? My home or someone else’s? How many other people are nearby? Which body parts are involved? If this is a poop situation, how much and how firm? Is there a bidet/hygiene sprayer?

Depending on context there are many potential solutions:

• Waddle to another stall/undersink cabinet and look for spare rolls.
• Sacrifice “lefty” until you can get to the sink.
• Sacrifice undies forever, tossing them in the trash.
• Use the tube as-is.
• Use the tube after wetting it.
• See if there are paper seat liners that could be pressed into service.
• Or, y’know, ask for help. I understand that in certain conditions, three squares to spare should do it.
• Pull up pants and move along. Make extensive and unfriendly eye contact, implicitly daring anyone to say anything.
• Move into the stall permanently. You’re a toilet-human now.

Cut out three cardboard seashells.

Try finger but hole

Shove toob up my ass, poop through the toob, no poop on my ass, go about my day