I recently conmented on a meme with a little personal experience and would like to know what you fine peoples take is?
Thanks!
(Link on top)
Creepy.
she calls me creepy and to stop stalking her
That’s not a social cue - it’s a direct expression of a preference. And anon didn’t miss it - he ignored it.
Anon explained why he didn’t consider he was being creepy and (girl) didn’t counter it and didn’t mention it again. What does that mean?
“Anon’s” opinion on whether it’s creepy or not counts for absolutely nothing.
Again, it wasn’t a social cue and “anon” didn’t miss it - girl directly expressed her opinion and instead of accepting it, “anon” argued against it, then ignored it That’s not only creepy, but borderline abusive.
I believe the context for your query was that i missed a social que. However within context, she found it creepy i “stalked” her. To which i clarified it was not my intent to stalk or be creepy but was simply just being friendly, as i do with all my friends regardless of sex.
We don’t know about what the girl said after the explanation. She probably didn’t mention it again since it clearly didn’t work the first time.
“Anon” kinda just ignored how she felt/told her what (at least from my perspective) amounts to “your feelings are invalid because that wasn’t my intent”.
As for the subsequent actions, I’d attribute that to high school level mental maturity/not knowing how to handle such situations. Talking it out would be the ideal scenario, though that rarely happens even long after high school time from what I’ve seen ._.
(Rant - that might not be fully related to replied to comment anymore - over :P)
Here’s what I see: she said you are stalking her and being creepy, you explain why it’s not. In her head you ignored it, so she got her friend involved to tell you the same thing, you ignored it again. Now she panics because two people have told you the same thing and you have ignored both people. From her perspective you are a danger, regardless if you are or not, which is why she denied sending her friend to text you. It is something to remember for the future, if two people say the same thing it should be looked into as it could be true. I have lived with Autistic people that have trouble with social cues, so I have some idea of what went wrong.
Ok saying im a danger is a bit of a stretch, but i get the point your making. It was a learning experience. See i think it was mostly the faliure on my part for her being “polite” and asking to just be friends and me missing that social queue.
and i was expecting just telling me to kick rocks. Which i feel was a large miscomunaction between both partys. And the friend thing was rather cryptic. Why not just go up and talk, i mean i was alone and im not muscular, tall Or violent. And me and (girl) where both in a mutal friend group, as soon as i knew who the girl was. I knew her, she knew me. It wasnt like we were strangers.
For added context, im a people pleaser and kinda a push over at least in high school. I always tried to be nice to people even ones that where austrasized for good reason. But i didnt know that at the time (kid cranking his hog in math class and got rightfully expelled a year later).
I just dont think ill ever understand why she didnt just say i dont want to be friends anymore? Instead of going through all this mess and complexity.
I know its kinda a deaf tone. But why cant people just say what they want. Like social ques are just so hard to read.
It can be difficult and uncomfortable to tell someone you don’t like them. For women, it can also be dangerous because some men get very aggressive when they’re turned down. You don’t know her experiences and why she chose to make those statements. I don’t think what she did was wrong.
I’ve been in similar shoes. It’s really hard to notice the cues. Neurotypical people also don’t understand how we think. Since they don’t know what to expect they get scared. They don’t know what other boundaries we’re not aware of.
I mean she did tell you to kick rocks, in so many words. No one wants to be friends with or even interact with someone they consider to be a stalker, let alone their stalker. She called you a stalker which implies she doesn’t want to be around you without saying so, many times people will avoid being so blunt about stuff like that for fear of retaliation. She was hoping you’d pick up on the hint that she doesn’t want to be friends without having to confront you about it directly.
I’m not passing any judgement, I think you were right it was a bit of a miscommunication on both ends; she wasn’t entirely clear and you missed the implications of her message.
I’m with you. While I’ve never been diagnosed as autistic, I do not pick up on social cue’s ever. It’s hard to explain how much better the world would seem (to me, at least) if people would just say what they mean. While being too forward could be misinterpreted as being rude, there is no room to miss a secret message when being direct.
I think you are spending too much effort to engage with a person that is not engaging back with you. Regardless if your behavior was creepy or not, you are worth more than that. That person wasn’t matching your effort in maintaining a relationship (friendship in this scenario). Remember it takes two to tango, no matter how much you want it, you won’t be able to carry a relationship on your own…
Yeah i was kinda desperate and loney at the time. I mostly decided to share to see if i was actually being creepy or autism had a large role in it.
Im really good at making friends but bad at ending friendships even i know there not worth having as friend.
Thanks for your input.
I think you probably missed some social cues there and may have come off as creepy, I’m afraid. At least her reactions would suggest that. Of course I can’t really say much more without details that are no doubt lost to time.
Allistic people have issues saying what they truly think, so they do all kinds of shit to “say without saying”. And that doesn’t work with us, but they don’t understand because, apparently, we should learn how to understand them, but they don’t want (and neither think they need) to understand us.
So we’re trapped in a world where a good bunch of the allistics don’t care enough about us to learn how to communicate properly with us or to, at least, find a middle ground.
I don’t think you are in the wrong, she just wasn’t able to express clearly what she thought and you weren’t able to understand her message because of the lack of clarity on her end.
So we’re trapped in a world where a good bunch of the allistics don’t care enough about us to learn how to communicate properly with us or to, at least, find a middle ground.
I don’t claim or even think I am autistic, but the inability for people recognize that just speaking clearly and directly would be better all around is infuriating. They seem to have some kind of reverence for people knowing all the ‘subtle clues’ that are based on what cultures someone is familiar with and based entirely on excluding others. Understanding the reasons why doesn’t make it less annoying when the same action could mean different things in the same culture in the same context depending on what is in somebody’s head.
Social cues are annoying and inconsistent even when they are understood. Most people just don’t think about it actively and just change their behavior based on anyone correcting them without thinking about why something is ‘the norm’.
