Over half of women who have had abortions have had a previous child.
Are these not valid questions? Serious question, don’t mean to offend. I got asked the same types of questions before my doctor agreed to do my vasectomy.
My understanding is that doctors often don’t just question but often refuse if they think the person should not do it. To be clear, that refusal is generally based on personal opinion, not for medical reasons.
My wife’s gynecologist has asked her if she wanted to get her tubes tied during all three of our pregnancies. It didn’t offend us, we have the kids we want now and she said yes this last time.
I appreciated him asking. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s on that list.
This is exactly the issue. A friend of mine knew for a fact she never wanted to have children, but at the time was in her early twenties. Finding a surgeon who would do it was damn near impossible. Half of them refused without speaking with her husband (!) the other half just refused period saying she was young and didn’t know what she wants and would change her mind later.
At NO point was ‘my body my choice’ part of the discussion.
There was a similarly good thread on Reddit a couple weeks back about a woman who just gave birth and was having a lot of pain and knew something was wrong, and the doctor just dismissed her and said she’s being hormonal. It wasn’t until her husband threatened to sue the hospital that they finally got her a different doctor, who rushed her into the ER and as I recall said if she waited another day she’d have died.
The point is, and the problem is, that medical establishment has an awful habit of denying women agency over their own bodies. Always wrapped in valid reasons, but the result is still the same.
None of those are required to be known for any other surgery. “Are you sure you want your shoulder fixed? What if in a few years you find a nice someone and want it broken again? Think of the smiles of your children when you rub this scar line!”
Your heart is in the right place, but that’s not exactly a reasonable comparison. Few other surgeries, even elective ones, permanently remove your ability to do something as major as procreation.
People should have the option to have their tubes tied without judgement, but it is not as simple a decision as repairing a damaged part of the body.
As a man, I think it’s the sort of experience that men struggle to understand because of patriarchal dynamics.
What I mean is: if a doctor were to:
- ask me if I have considered other forms of birth control
- and then explain all the different birth control methods to make sure I actually understand,
- ask if I’ve talked about the decision with my wife,
- and then explain that a general impression of her opinion isn’t the same thing as sitting down together and reviewing all the data,
- ask if understand how the surgery will affect my body
- and then explain the hormonal changes my body would go through
- etc
before agreeing to schedule a vasectomy.
Interpretting these questions through the lens of my lived experience:
These are thorough but pragmatic questions. The doctor is trying to make sure I understand all the options. The doctor is a peer with special expertise and wants to make sure that I understand all the risks.
But women too often grow up in an environment which tells them:
- Women should trust the men in their lives too make the best decisions for them.
- That having children is the most important thing they can do in the world.
- A woman’s value is proportional to her utility as a wife and mother.
- Women that have sex for fun are disgusting sluts.
So when they get asked a barrage of questions identical to the ones I’dve been asked, they experience them very differently. Women are not irrational to hear the exact same questions very differently if they are interpreting them through the lens of their experiences. Maybe they experience those questions as:
- “Why don’t you just stop having so much sec you slut?”
- “Don’t you know how to have sex with out getting pregnant you dumb bitch?”
- “Do you have your husband’s permission?”
- “Does your husband know you’re a slut?”
- “Do you understand that you will be destroying your value to society if you don’t have kids?”
- “Do you understand that you will become any even crazier bitch after this?”
And too often, the doctor really does mean that.
Edit to add: I’d value other people’s takes too.
