There are plenty of toll evaders, homeless, minorities, and otherwise lesser people whose lives you could have taken, and were that the case I would not feel so inclined to mete out such a harsh sentence but in this instance you leave me no choice but to impose the harshest ruling possible.

Never change, The Onion, never change!

Edit: alright, I assumed it was the Onion based on the community. But sure, it was some other site.