Sounds like you don’t value being a good person, which is fine. For me it’s the only thing I value. Take my justice; take my earnings; take my freedom; you won’t ever find me lose hope that being kind to others may result in me meeting others who will be kind to me. That when we are together; I will have found my home and the place where I belong in this brief moment before I am dust.
At the same time. I cannot be kind to those that take justice from my brothers and sisters; I cannot be kind to those that take earnings from my brothers and sisters; I cannot be kind to those that take freedom from my brothers and sisters. That would not be kind for the people I love more then anything.
I’m not so jealous that I think about abandoning things that make me, me. Maybe I’m a shit person and I should change here and there to experience a different side of things. Except, I rely on who it is I think I am and want to be. Everyday. If I could easily shed that, I probably would, because I’ll tell you it comes with a lot of suffering and grief. Anxiety, depression, apathy, and a constant numbness to the world around me. There is something rare about me you probably will not find in your day to day. I have abandoned everything once and you know what I found? All roads lead home. Though, I’ve been able to shed some other baggage and surround myself with the person I admire most I keep fighting for the person I want to be.
I’m tired, I’ll admit it. The only thing I can say for myself, though, is my life is now full of purpose.
I get it, been feeling a lot of the same feelings lately myself. the conclusion I’ve come to is that I do good things for me, not for others. I live by the old Wellstone mantra of “Everyone does better when everyone does better”. In the end I’m just as selfish as anyone since I’m ultimately after my own satisfaction, but to have that, I need good, happy, safe, secure, loving people around me.
I used to be an optimist, I used to believe in the good of people. I don’t anymore, people are mostly terrible, but the good ones are great and those connections are worth keeping and fighting for.
I value being a good person, but if being a good person gets people killed and the alternative doesn’t, then being a good person relies on not being a good person.
It’s a paradox, but if saving America means putting on a baseball cap, dropping a few racial slurs, and calling the opposing political party an “enemy from within” who must be “purged”, is what wins an election, than for God’s sake do it.
