Simple:

I’m in charge of Russia.

Suffices for Putin, doesn’t it?

But yeah no, really, the solution is vodka

That mostly reeks of Classic Americacentrism. When a software is in a US site, it’s “good” but subject to DMCA. When it’s in a Russian site, suddenly it’s All Malware (Always Has Been)?

AYO how is that legal?

Capitalism!

This. With digital feudalism now crossing into the physical realm this way, it’d be nice to see people finally sharpening their guillotines.

“It shall be done, my Lord.”

Considering Presidents and CEOs exist, I don’t think they’d be bad. You might even get out on a golden parachute.

La empresa va a seguir funcionando si meten al rep legal a la cárcel

Buen punto, aunque no veo por qué no extender la pena de cárcel a otros agentes activos de la empresa. Por ejemplo, los gerentes o los contadores, quienes al final son los responsables de abrir la puerta (o más bien dicho el bolsillo) para que las cosas se muevan.

Even the cat looks like he could olympically casually shoot at you.

Like “Usonian”, not like “USonian”, I’d guess? Flat U, non-“yoo”-ed; stress on the O; the “nian” more or less like “nyan” but 'murrically less cute.

But there’s not really another good demonym that’s not an slur. “Estadosunidenses” is too much of a mouthful and “Statesman” has another meaning.

Usonian?