Join clubs. Go to the library. Pick up a hobby.
But, uh, maybe keep that last one to yourself until you convince people you’re generally pretty harmless and normal.
Volunteer with an organization in your area. Meet people to work with and help people.
I know this might sound really weird. Like “how can I help people when I have so many unmet needs myself?” But volunteering is the way to meet a need that we all have which can’t really be met by friends: the need to be needed.
I suffered from depression for most of my adult life. Volunteering has done so much for me to help me feel valued, to show me I have something to contribute, and to give me a break from my own issues for a few hours at a time.
It’s also a great place to make friends. And generally what I’ve found is that the people who volunteer are pretty nice, gentle people. Much more likely to make a good friend than a random person you might meet.
I hope you decide to give it a try! You have so much to offer! And keep in mind that if you pick something you don’t really enjoy doing you can always try something else. My regular gig is a volunteer homework club for newcomer/refugee high school students. Been helping there for 8 years now. Love it!
Find friends online, communicate with them every day. Keeping up healthy relationships could be difficult if your family never taught you to maintain them
That’s what I did, still have some trouble with IRL relationships though.
do you need any resources for finding a place to live, or travel or anything?
Surround yourself with groups of people you like hanging out with and admire in some way. Look at them as ways to learn and grow yourself.
Others in here have suggestions on how to meet these sort of people, but you’ve gotta pick the right ones. It’s ok to make some mistakes, that’s life. Just be willing/ready to cut out toxic people in your life quickly or they’ll poison the sort of person you’re hoping to become.
There are lots and lots of great people out there. I received almost no support from my family growing up or as an adult. My friends were my family, and I’ve learned everything about who I am from them.
As a baby or at least old enough to have some autonomy?
As an adult who had zero support from anyone. Disregarded, ignored, neglected and abandoned by family. Othered, dehumanized, and alienated in school, with all the staff deliberately discouraging any growth. Having only bullies, stalkers, and attempted rapists as friends (you deserve it though). I made my first actual friend almost a year ago but I feel like he doesn’t understand me entirely. And I feel overly attached so I’m even questioning if I actually love him or not. He’s literally the first person who has treated me like a human being, outside of customer service people.
“(you deserve it though)”
That part right there has to go. Before much of anything else can change, that belief must go.
Any number of people can tell you any number of times that you deserve better, but until this belief that you deserve to be mistreated actually changes in inside you, in your way of thinking day to day, little else will change in a meaningful way.
Good friends who treat you like humans help, it sounds like you found one of those so far. Good therapists help more, if you can find a good one.
I was told by literally everyone that if I had so many bad experiences with friends then the common denominator is me, the problem is me. No one would stand up for me when I was bullied right in front of them, they’d deliberately look away. My high school tried to expel me for almost being raped many times. And they’d still put me in the same gym class as the attempted rapists and imply I’m the problem for being uncomfortable exercising with people who literally sexually assaulted me. The stalker was only someone who “wanted to be my friend” by copying everything I did exactly or closest enough, and cornering me in the bathroom when we were the only people in there, all while she clearly despised me but was pleasant with literally everyone else so I deserved it. Imitation is flattery and whatever shit I fucking hate that quote, coloring red on your jeans to copy a period stain is not flattery. But if I don’t like it, I just need to get over it.
Hey bud it sounds like our experiences may have quite a bit of overlap. I think the #1 thing that helps here is learning to have and respect healthy boundaries. Internal and external boundaries allow you to have more fulfilling relationships and feel more fulfilled yourself. These are things that a lot of people kind of implicitly learn from their families, but we weren’t so lucky. If you have the option and can find a good therapist, they can help you with this. Otherwise, there are a lot of good books about boundaries that you can probably get from your local library or Amazon.
