3 points
*

I always wanted to create a wizard, who war’s wizard robes, has a staff and such, even knows spells!

But at level 2 and agzerwards he goes full barbarian, yet never changes his outfit away from wizard.

Preferably two light swords, one in each hand - but only while combat! Outside of combat, he’s just a noble wizard. When someone asks if he really is a wizard, he uses his low level spells to convince the people.

Kind of like Dumbbelldore

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9 points

There’s a character I didn’t play for very long that I’d like to play again.

A cleric, but when asked who his deity is, he’s pretty cagey. Maybe answers under his breath and coughs over his answer so no one can understand the answer.

He introduces himself as “Pope Hypatious Constantine Driac”. (“Pope Driac” for short.) But every time he is referred to by his title, he corrects them, reducing the importance of his position. “Actually, call me cardinal. That’s more accurate.” “Archbishop, actually.” “Did I say ‘arch’-bishop? I meant regular bishop. Ha! Silly me.”

He has terrible hygeine. And he’s always got a runny nose that he’s always wiping with his bare hand. And that’s particularly gross because he keeps giving people blessings with a gesture that’s basically palming (like one might palm a basketball) people’s faces with a “bless you my child.”

His secret? He’s an adherent of a secretive cult dedicated to a god(dess?) of disease/infirmity/plague/sickness. Everything from head-colds to typhoid are sacriments which he believes brings people closer to his god. He actively tries to convert people to his faith, but he believes only an illness (temporary or permanent) may truly convert one, so he’s always trying to get others (including enemies while in the heat of battle) sick.

He does know all the healing spells. His order practices by repeatedly infecting themselves with the sickness of the week (bubonic plague, leprosy, maybe this week I’ll try influenza) and bringing themselves close to death. But their god isn’t a god of death or suicide or necromancy, so they can’t have their adherents dying all over the place. They heal their sickness with typical good-aligned-cleric sort of spells soon before death.

Optimally, he’d get spells that allowed him to infect people, but failing that, he could just collect samples of infected stuff in little vials over time. A flake of dead skin from someone with leprosy here. A smallpox-laden scrap of cloth there.

Last time I played him (not in D&D, but rather Lamentations of the Flame Princess), he had a blowgun. And his left arm was traumatically amputated in one of his first combat encounters. He saved the arm in his pack. Right as the next encounter (with lizardmen, I think) started, he said “wait!” in a commanding voice. He promised to show the enemy something grand and wonderful if they’d only give him a minute to show them. He rolled high on his persuasion roll. He withdrew his arm (now quite rotten and gross) from his pack, stabbed it a bunch of times with several darts, and then shot a lizardman with a gross dart with his blowgun. (You have to imagine him doing all this one-handed too. Lol.) Of course, at that point, the combat was back in full swing, but Driac had accomplished what he’d set out to. And of course, the party was all going “what the actual fuck…?”

So, back to the name. “Hypatius Constantine Driac.” It’s a play on “hypochondriac.” No one I played with ever guessed my character was any sort of “plague priest” or whatever. But then again, I didn’t get to play him for very long.

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20 points
*

A character that has all the cringe edgelord hallmarks- black leather clothes, gravely Batman voice, “I work alone” attitude- except he’s a clumsy dwarf that’s more or less cosplaying as The Crow and is forced, despite his demeanor to be a team player. Some day Darkbeard Grimblade will get his chance.

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4 points

So what Cartman actually looks like when he’s playing “the coon”

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19 points
*

Paladin who’s just a very devoted low level civil servant, inspired by that time I was a poll worker and that other time I almost worked for the census before COVID fucked everything up

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8 points
*

Please help us. Our village suffers raids every night.

Uh huh. But first, how many people live here?

[jots down notes]

And how many are attacking you?

[jots down more notes]

DM: So… boost to perception for the entire party?

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5 points

This reminds me of a DM who did a setting with an extremely bureaucratic kingdom. We had to get an audience with the king, but the process required jumping through hoops with different paperpushers.

Eventually we were nearly at the hall to meet the king when the guards turned us away for wearing the wrong ties. I got us in by going through the Lionel Hutz “I’m not wearing a tie at all.” routine, which intimidated the guards (not what I was going for, but my table rendition apparently included crazy eyes) .

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16 points

A character with ADD who is lvl 2 in every class.

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5 points

I know exactly who that is: Abserd!

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2 points

That was wonderful, I’d never seen it. Well, it was wonderful but absurd.

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4 points
*

Can’t focus on anything but highly adaptable to every scenario. Ha!

Reminds me of this… which is so perfectly animated with the constant shift in focus.

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