Preferably in real life and without religion or alcohol.
Like u/NeoNachtwaechter rightfully said:
Society, community… these are abstract terms. You cannot talk to them. The cannot love you.
Life happens when you meet people (not abstractions).
So, when you write:
Preferably in real life and without religion or alcohol.
Don’t see anything personal in the following remark (I don’t smoke and don’t drink, I quit both many decades ago, and I don’t give a flying fuck about religion myself) but you can’t expect to meet people that fit your expectations.
Life does not work like a dating app (luckily).
You will meet people, a few of them you will appreciate more than many, many others. All of them, even the ‘nicest’ ones, will still annoy you one way or another. Like you will annoy them, or like I do. We all.
My spouse and I have been together for 25 years and counting, we’re glad to be together but I can assure you we also both have traits or habits the other don’t like at all, and that’s fine. My best friend and I have been friends for well over 40 years and we’re at the complete opposite politically speaking, we always have been. Like we never agreed and we never will. We’re fine with our lifelong disagreements because we have many other common interests (and he is a very interesting guy even if his politics are shit ;)
So, the first thing I would suggest would be to accept that people will not be what you want them to be, or how you want them to be.
And then to let things happen, or not happen. That’s my second advice: be ok with nothing happening or with failing when trying to make them happen. Most of the time meeting people won’t go anywhere and that’s to be expected. Don’t give up, keep on meeting people and spend some time with them.
I know those advice may sound a bit… generalist but you did not share a lot of context yourself to give you a more specific answer either. And, generalist or not, those are still two advice I follow myself.
The core is basically this.
- Go where the humans are. Do so on a regular basis. It doesn’t really matter where, so long as it’s a place where a) socialization is not actively discouraged, and b) people are likely to show up more than once.
- Talk to as many humans as possible until you find humans you click with.
- Bring other people into the fold as you meet them.
There are environments that make this easier - hobby groups, certain ‘scenes’ in your area (music, art, etc.), volunteer organizations, etc. - but you can start the work pretty much anywhere humans congregate.
Are there any hobbiest groups re: digital art or adjacent activities in your area (zine making socials always sounded pretty fun)? Is there something you’ve always wanted to try that’s on offer as a group event? Start there, talk to the humans, show up more than once and there’s a good chance you’ll be off to a good start.
…said the kettle.
I am also a kettle, but I figured I needed some motivation in my life to get to know more people. Moving from Norway to Bumfuck, Nowhere in Denmark has made it hard to make friends, but my wife and I got a puppy two weeks ago, and have signed him up for puppy training classes with other puppies. We’ll also use the dog park in the towns nearby to meet people. I think that’s a good way to meet people.
I’d also like to add that getting a puppy on a whim in NOT a good idea. We talked about this for years, and planned for months. My depression has gotten so much better, buy jesus christ, he can be a little hellspawn lol 😂
The dog park is an excellent choice, from what I’ve heard from dog owners. Between that, walkies forcing you to get out and moving regularly, and good ol’ fashioned companionship, dogs are just great in general, though certainly require a high level of commitment and care.
Dogs are great! People who like dogs - generally not the mean Pit Bulls, or Rottweiler types though - are good people. You can jog and hike with your dog. They are great conversation starters.
Note: Not saying Pits and Rots are mean but some people tend to get them because they want a dog perceived to be vicious and proceed to train them that way.
One time I had a contract gig which had me showing up to the same office building M-F for about six months.
There was a coffee shop where I got my morning coffee on the way in to work.
I made myself a rule that after I was handed my coffee, I would stay for 60 seconds making small talk with others in the shop before I left.
Within a couple of weeks I knew everybody who hung out in that shop and everybody who worked behind the counter. It was a very warm, fulfilling part of my day to stop and chat with the people there. Ended up spending 5-10 minutes daily.
And all it took was a commitment to delay my departure by 60 seconds. It was so easy to just say “thanks” and zip out the door with my coffee.
I haven’t figured this out entirely, but I’ve found a partial solution in being part of a men’s group.
We meet weekly to discuss our feelings.
After a couple years in that group, one of the other guys requested that someone call him a few times per week because he needed an impetus to keep moving. He was battling depression and laziness, and wanted someone to check in on him.
I volunteered to call him three times a week. It was only going to be a few weeks at first, but we kept it up.
Now it’s been about six months of me calling him on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday morning. I told him I’d be happy to call him like this for the next fifty years if that’s what it takes.
I live alone, and don’t really see anyone on a regular basis except for this group. I don’t know my neighbors, nor anyone in my neighborhood. I’ve considered joining a church to have some community, but I don’t want to distort my relationship with God.
But this morning I spoke with that guy. He’s not physically present, but our ongoing commitment to this phone call schedule creates an abstract “meeting place” where we encounter each other regularly.
It really works. It’s like sharing a kitchen with someone, and bumping into them there on a recurring basis.
I think it would be great if more people made arrangements like that. I think it would be great if there were a community here on Lemmy just for the purpose of setting such arrangements up.
Regular, recurring connection is magic.
In college I had a classmate that I enjoyed speaking with. Somehow we decided that we were going to have breakfast every Saturday morning at Le Peep, just the two of us.
We did that for an entire year of college, and it formed a deep bond. We became best friends, as a result of seeing each other regularly.
I myself don’t have the bandwidth to take on a lot of such connections, but if anyone is interested in trying such an arrangement please respond to this comment and y’all can pair off.
The arrangement I would propose is this:
- Set up a recurring schedule. Same time on the same day every week
- One of you calls the other
- Have some specific questions planned, in order to kick start the conversation. With this guy from my men’s group, I started off by asking him three questions: “How are you feeling right now? How did yesterday go in terms of your plans and objectives? What are your plans/objectives for today?” This was to help him keep moving in the depression/laziness he was experiencing. Now after months we’ve abandoned the formulaic structure and we just talk
- Treat it as important. Stick to the commitment and make the calls. Lots of people don’t stick to their commitments, and that sucks. Commitment creates consistency, and consistency is the heart of community.
If anyone would like to experiment with this, I can call you regularly for a short period of time to teach you how it’s done. I can’t afford a lot of long-term commitments right now, but I’d be happy to put in some effort to help people understand the technique.
If you’re physically able, go somewhere people are willing to teach you something :) Try a climbing gym.
The first hurdle will be working up the courage to ask for advice (on a route, on equipment, about an event) and the next will be showing up often enough that you’re a recognizable part of the community.
Meetup has helped - especially around RPGs and board games. Having a weekly group of friends meeting up with a shared topic helps.
