And, should I change?
I’m 38 years old, single, not interested in starting a family (my mother was a drama queen and I couldn’t live that again with a partner or a child), don’t own any property, not really a consumerist person, I max my 401k and save 70% of my net income because most of the stuff society tells me to buy is irrelevant to me (I still own clothes I bought 20 years ago and they still fit me), don’t need a car and use a bike or public transportation, I prefer to cook at home because it’s cheaper and I can choose what I cook. I stopped drinking alcohol 10 years ago. I’m definitively not an extrovert.
I majored in philosophy because I liked it and I still do, but never found a job with my major. I tried being a high school teacher, but teenagers are way too much for me. Nursing, what I do now, is a versatile and safer job, even if I think it’s slowly killing me.
I feel cheated in life.
For 15 years I lived paycheck to paycheck paying off my debt, often having to move due to increased rent so this might be my way of coping with trauma. I still feel I’m way behind most people my age. I feel like a loser because I imagine them knowing better than me what they want in life.
It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy, but I cannot stop ruminating about this.
If you read my post history you’ll realize I don’t really care about my job, but stay because I need a paycheck and I like having a big rainy day fund. If I was a millionaire, I’d stop working. I don’t like any job.
It might be true that I’m autistic, because close human connections where never that important to me and most people I work with are not close to me, but as I’m nearing 40 I’m starting to think if my destiny is going to be to live and die alone in a nursing home. Sometimes this scares me, but I always go back to my apathetic, indifferent self, like I’m on some kind of drug that makes me not feel anything, neither good or bad, like my emotional brain is underdeveloped.
What I don’t want to be is this desperate loner craving for any kind of human attention turning to post his whole life online hoping a good Samaritan comes and saves me. First because it’s pathetic and secondly because that’s never a good foundation to build a friendship, I’d be inviting a predator, another crazy loner, a newborn Christian to save me with god, somebody trying to scam me with a MLM scheme or an antivaxer into my life. And I’m not a 20 year old discovering the world, I’m almost 40.
Every woman I’ve been attracted to has ignored me and every woman that showed an interest in me wasn’t good enough to me: she could be eager to make a connection, put an interest, even pretty and genuine but I cannot fake being in love or feeling attraction. I always ended up considering them as friends or acquaintances. I’m too old and too introverted (autistic?) to visit a club and try to impress a woman to go out with me.
I don’t think this is depression, depression would be me not going to work not even calling in sick.
It seems clear I need a friend, but I don’t know how to make friends anymore. I focused so much on surviving that I stopped caring about anyone else.
You don’t sound autistic at all and even though you say you don’t think it’s depression, it really sounds like one to me.
First thing I’d try in your place would be to go to therapy. Seriously, it helps. And if nothing else, you’ll get a more educated opinion on whether it’s depression or something else.
All of the stuff sounds like a coping mechanism to avoid something traumatic. The good news is that 40 is far from old, you can still make meaningful connections with others. Don’t give up!
I’ll piggy back on your comment, I was gonna say something similar (and I fully agree with it 😊)
With only the information you provided, it sounds like you’re potentially navigating some high functioning depression, maybe some meaninglessness. They can go hand in hand, and much of the joy of life is lost when/if you’re depressed with no personally meaningful direction.
Therapy is a good starting point, or even just some gentle self analysis of what may have led you to these feelings (as opposed to the symptoms of it, which it looks to me like what you described).
It’s a process, and it can take a very long time to learn how to be gentle enough to listen to yourself without judgement. So in addition to therapy, I’d add meditation to allow yourself space and journaling with personally directed questions (e.g., what do I feel, what may have led me to feel this way) that might grant you insights. Dig for what means something to you, and find a way to make it your reality.
One final thought - do try getting out there and connecting. It’s hard, irritating, and exhausting. But sometimes we spend so much time in our own space/heads that we ruminate ourselves into a quagmire. Ppl and activities corner that rumination to fewer hours of the day, and gives us a break from our own thoughts.
As poster above said, you’re not even 40 - lots of years of beauty, hope and meaning to be found and loved, though it can take time to really get there :)
All the best, OP
Pick a hobby, literally anything.
Our brains want us to be productive, so it’s likes doing something and seeing a result. Even the most inconsequential thing will stop your brain from freaking out.
If you also feel like you need more social interaction, a good hobby would be online videogames. Play something with voice chat and just be super helpful. Teammates want to do something stupid? Back em 100% and they’ll be appreciative.
You went off on dating too, but it’s 2024. Throw up an online profile here and there, but dont make it your priority like you can fix everything else by getting a partner. Fix the other stuff to make yourself a better person, and just make yourself available.
Don’t try to fix everything with your life at once. You can (and should) work on multiple things, but pick one thing to focus, knock it down, and make a new priority. Basically don’t try to fix your life, it’s a giant task for anyone. Pick easy attainable goals that will improve your life, and knock them out one at a time to feel like.peogress is being made.
Nobody has a purpose in life. Belief that life has a purpose is a creationist delusion created to try and comprehend and apply order to what is intrinsically chaotic and random, and to fight the anxiety that their fears induce.
Your options are to choose one of the following:
- Acceptance. You can accept that life is meaningless and that it’s okay. This one’s my preference.
- Denial. You can deny life’s meaninglessness and seek to find or create a purpose for yourself. This can range from something as simple as a hobby to as life changing as having a family or advocating for a cause.
- Embrasure. Revel in the chaos and express yourself through it, doing whatever you want without thought it care. This is best exemplified by the fictional character of the Joker.
- Oppression. Take up religion to crush understanding of reality and replace it with a delusion of supernaturally defined purpose. This is probably the most commonly used option, frequently forced upon people during childhood.
- Opposition. Attempt to fight the reality or mask the effects of meaninglessness through other means, such as direct therapy, chemical dependency (not recommended), talking with friends/family, or through other methods not previously mentioned.
Understanding one’s place in the universe (insignificant, irrelevant, and temporary speck) is important to having an accurate impression of ones existence. Whether one can accept that and what one do with that understanding is unique to the individual.
I hope that helps - good luck.
This, so much. You majored in philosophy, you know more about absurdism than I do. You also know there’s no such thing as “being ahead” or “being behind” in life, just being closer or further to your own values.
You’ve got an approximate 30-40 years of good cognition and physical ability left, and soon after you’ll die and nothing will have mattered anyway. “Existed safely until s/he died” is one possible path to take, but it sounds like you want permission to stop being scared. Go for it, the world doesn’t care.
The problem, as I see it, is: You are rotating around yourself. All the time. Round and round.
Humans are made for relationships. Not just man-woman, but relationships in the most general sense.
You are not living any strong relationships, and therefore your life feels meaningless.
So, the solution is: start to invest your time into people. Nursing wasn’t a bad start at all. But you do it for a job = for making money, so there’s not much coming back to you.
My advice is:
Do something for people in such a way that nothing comes back to you. I’m not talking about money, but your time. It does not need to be much. But do it very regularly. That way you will be able to escape that rotating around yourself.
You are going to meet new people, and there will be some wonderful people among them. Some others, too, but you are strong enough not to get scared off easily.
I can’t stress enough how helpful it would be for you to find a hobby and meet with people who also enjoy the same hobby. Do that, hands down. Good luck!
