I’m almost 35 and realised is not going to happen. I will never become adult or reliable enough for any woman to take a glance at me. I’ll never fall in love or experience sex.
There must be a way to stop this feeling. People say hobbies but honestly I don’t like anything or i give up on everything. I don’t wanna try new things anymore.
Edit: some of you are really nice. But to those of you who keep insulting just because my post is a downer they I’ll just block you. Why don’t just ignore my post instead of leaving nasty comments?
Heroin
Hobbies is the answer.
Join a gym, go once a week until you want to go more.
Go to trivia at a bar that does it the same day every week.
Find a local club for an interest you have.
Find things that happen on a schedule that you have to show up for.
The problem you’ve described, in my experience, is that it sounds like you don’t have a life for anyone to join you in.
Nothing comes easy, even hobbies, you have to decide you want to do a thing and then do it on purpose even if you don’t want to do that thing in that moment.
I am coincidentally also 35, and had similar sentiments following my most “recent” divorce (4 years ago!)
Your comment is bang on mate. The second to last paragraph really hits home but it’s something that I really needed to acknowledge and accept if I ever wanted to move on.
Went to a gig recently, was in a mosh pit for the first time in over a decade, and a fucking LOVED every bit of it, bruising and all.
You just gotta find your vibe, and it takes effort, but once you do others will see your vibe and want to jiggle with you (I’m not great at analogies hopefully this makes sense).
Edit:
Hey, let me say first off I’m probably talking to you all wrong. You’re an adult, and I’m in the “talk to my kid” mindset with this. I apologize for being crass. Shit isn’t easy, I agree, I have been where you are and you’re not alone. You aren’t. Don’t lean into the anger and envy and darker tendencies humans have in these scenarios.
Especially when you choose to not have one.
I assure you even at the bottom of my deepest darkest depression, after 2 COVID deaths and suddenly finding myself a single father left alone with my son … I still CHOSE the isolation route.
It wasn’t the depression and everything else choosing, it was me acquiescing to the sweet sad embrace of it. It was cathartic but it was also drowning.
I don’t mean this to minimize, it is crippling and debilitating but it is still our choice. When you’re failing to choose to get up remember the choice is still yours and turn that into power for the next time.
Take a chance. The worst case scenario is you stop doing the thing you weren’t doing already.
Life is absurd, make your own meaning and your own purpose.
You really don’t, humans are by and large social animals, so while you might be able to suppress that feeling, there’s little chance to get rid of it entirely.
I agree with the other comment though that you need to build general social circles first and foremost. That’s how most relationships start anyway, through mutual hobbies and interests.
Just don’t go waltzing into any hobby gardener meetup with the only thought in mind to find a partner, but rather get involved with something you care about and then see what happens. Be that a book club, board game session, arts & craft stuff, sports, or whatever, just make sure it’s an actual interest of yours.
And if it’s the no sex part that contributes to your insecurity, then seriously, find a paid companion. If that’s illegal where you’re at, find a place you could go without repercussions. I’ve seen people transform over such encounters, no matter how frowned upon it might seem in society.
You say you don’t like anything or give up on everything, but what does that look like? I assume that you don’t spend 8+ hours every day staring at a blank wall. You must do something to fill your time.
But if you are truly finding it difficult/impossible to be interested in the world around you, then your issue isn’t that you don’t have a girlfriend my dude. It sounds like you’re suffering from pretty severe depression.
And I hate to break it to you, but untreated mental illness is definitely a mood killer, and not just with the ladies. You’re gonna need to get yourself into a better place, or you’re gonna drive more than just romantic partners away.
But I’ll tell you, you’re awfully fatalistic for 35. Women tend to pretty holistically prefer guys in the 33-40 bracket. You’re not past your prime in the slightest. A little self confidence and a little investment in the world around you, and I think you’ll find that you will attract people no problem.
And hey, maybe I’m wildly off base. I know I’m making a lot of assumptions based off a very small paragraph. And maybe I’m reading you super wrong. If so, I apologize.
One thing to keep in mind though. The idea of a relationship and sex you have in your head? That’s a fantasy. Both are great things certainly, but when I was younger I feel like I built them up to be something deifying in my head. That once I had them, all my greatest desires would be met, and that life would be finally “complete” for me.
Understand that relationships are work. Fulfilling work, but work nonetheless. They require just as much “sticking to it” as any hobby that you haven’t stuck with, if not substantially more. And let me tell you, you’re absolutely not going to want to do it all the time. It requires a lot of dedication and perseverance.
And don’t build up sex to something more than it is. Its great, certainly, but I promise you’re putting it on a higher pedestal in your head than it deserves.
But all that to say, right now, you’re in love with the idea of a relationship, not the reality of one. I’m confident that you’d find the reality to not be what you’ve dreamed of it. And the problems and struggles you have in your life are rarely made easier by adding more work and responsibilities.
Take care of yourself and get to a point where you love yourself and the world around you as it is, and I think you’ll find that the rest of this will kind of take care of itself.
YouTube. Here. Videogames
I’m well aware relationship are work. But are also benefits. That’s why I’m saying I’m not adult enough or reliable. And that isn’t going to change, especially since that’s the way i am. I know it’s a turn off but what I’m supposed to do? Fake myself? Being social and having an interesting life ISN’T me.
Do you do those things because you truly get enjoyment out of them, or are they simply your drug of choice to help you cope through to the next day?
Those are all things that can be enjoyed in a healthy way certainly, but if it’s just “wake up, work, binge internet, sleep,” every day, then I’m afraid you have a problem. Maybe not a full blown addiction, but at least an extremely unhealthy coping mechanism for some deeper underlying issues.
This is something that you can work on though. Ideally with the help of a professional therapist who can help you identify why you feel the need to cope in this way and help you start breaking those destructive patterns in your life.
There’s a principle in alcoholics support groups called “fake it til you make it”.
Fake is a sort of meaningless word. You are the sum of your own choices, throughout your life. There is no such thing as some sort of “true” you that is inherent and unchangeable, all of your attitudes, emotions, likes/dislikes are like clothes you wear. They can be changed with a pattern of choices that fall under your overarching will.
It’s not easy, though, not by a long shot. So, one technique is to fake it til you make it. Pretend at first, fake whatever trait you are trying to establish. You’ll find over time your willpower turns that into the new “true you”. You can change various aspects of yourself, it’s all under your power.
It’s a hell of a steep hill to climb alone though, so you might want some help along the way. Addiction support groups serve this purpose for people trying to get past their addictions. You might need some pharmaceutical assistance though, if you have a chronic problem, so a doctor might be a wise move.
Maybe try travel? Bring your laptop / deck / switch so you can game on the road. But do it from some place new. If you can work from home, maybe try moving around on short term rentals. Doesn’t need to be anything exotic, could be the next town over.
Anything to break up your routine a bit. Don’t look at it as a means to an end. Try and enjoy the journey itself
