203 points

If you’re pounding one out that won’t really save you. He probably games with headphones and just doesn’t want to get jump scares by mom.

I always had a desk and a bed and I made a point to never have my back towards the door when I was at my desk for the above reason.

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50 points

I used to almost exclusively listen to any kind of audio through headphones. I had a microphone near my desk configured so that it would pass through the vibration of footsteps directly to my headphones. I was rarely startled, no matter what sordid activity I was undertaking.

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32 points
*

I swear the footsteps trigger a Pavlov response in me at this point. I can even tell who it is by the footsteps

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21 points

Pavlov

As in you instantly lose an erection, because you’ve been conditioned to associate footfalls with a ruined orgasm?

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10 points

I used to be able to do that, too! These days, I live with two people: an adult wife and a toddler. Their gaits are pretty easily distinguishable.

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9 points

Trauma, neurodivergence, or both detected!

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6 points

Wow was that hard to setup? Any special equipment needed?

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5 points
*

I forget the type of mic but there are mics specifically designed for picking up vibrations from surfaces (I googled it, they’re called surface mics ffs, could probably use a cheap normal mic without a pop filter tho)

If those use USB or 3.5mm, or can be made to, then plug them in and on windows check the “listen to this device” checkbox and boom, you’ll hear what’s coming through that mic. Adjust the sensitivity to your needs, done

On other OSs you can do it too just as easily but I don’t remember what my Linux distro calls it and if you’ve installed Linux you have enough info from my comment to figure it out methinks

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5 points

Honestly, that was some 25-30 years ago. It was pretty simple to setup back then, but it might not be the same now, especially in Windows.

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8 points

Same for me at work. But I use a mirror from Aliexpress.

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127 points

Fap with one eye ooooopen

Gripping your tube sock tiiight

Exit porn…

Enter mom…

Move your hand

And hope your boner doesn’t stand

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70 points

Enter mom???😑

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70 points

Maybe he broke his arms.

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34 points

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30 points
*

Maybe he broke his arms.

Broken arms meme, we meet again!

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11 points

Thanks, I hate it

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14 points

I have no idea where that came from but alright… Here’s your well deserved upvote.

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24 points
*

They reworked the lyrics to Enter Sandman.

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9 points

I know, the melody somehow started playing in my head from the first line. I still don’t know why they did it but I’m not complaining.

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8 points

The rework is titled: ‘Enter sockman’.

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4 points

My first thought was Last Resort.

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12 points

All I think of is this now

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3 points
2 points

Butthead’s a Lefty?

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86 points

It’s for boosting Wi-Fi reception, don’t worry about it.

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58 points

If they can’t figure it out, no one tell them.

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50 points

There is no spoon.

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