12 points

Coming soon*: the thing we already said was coming soon, only worse in every way! No steering wheel! No charging port! One seat for you and one seat for your faceless robot “friend”!

Wait wait where are you going investors?! We have also designed a worse bus!

*

Certain statements in this presentation, including, but not limited to, statements relating to the development, strategy, ramp, production and capacity, demand and market growth, cost, pricing and profitability, investment, deliveries, deployment, availability and other features and improvements and timing of existing and future Tesla products and services; statements regarding operating margin, operating profits, spending and liquidity; and statements regarding expansion, improvements and/or ramp and related timing at our factories are “forward-looking statements” within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform of 1995. Forward-looking statements are based on assumptions with respect to the future, are based on management’s current expectations, involve certain risks and uncertainties, and are not guarantees. Future results may differ materially from those expressed in any forward-looking statement. The following important factors, without limitation, could cause actual results to differ materially from those in the forward-looking statements: the risk of delays in launching and or manufacturing our products, services, and features cost-effectively; our ability to build and/or grow our products and services, sales, delivery, installation, servicing and charging capabilities and effectively manage this growth; consumers’ demand for products and services based on artificial intelligence, robotics and automation, electric vehicles, and ride-hailing services generally and our vehicles and services specifically, as well as our ability to successfully and timely develop, introduce, and scale such products and services; the ability of suppliers to deliver components according to schedules, prices, quality and volumes acceptable to us, and our ability to manage such components effectively; any issues with lithium-ion cells or other components manufactured at our factories; our ability to ramp our factories in accordance with our plans; our ability to procure supply of battery cells, including through our own manufacturing; risks relating to international expansion; any failures by Tesla products to perform as expected or if product recalls occur; the risk of product liability claims; competition in the automotive, transportation, and energy product and services markets; our ability to maintain public credibility and confidence in our long-term business prospects; our ability to manage risks relating to our various product financing programs; the status of government and economic incentives for electric vehicles and energy products; our ability to attract, hire and retain key employees and qualified personnel; our ability to maintain the security of our information and production and product systems; our compliance with various regulations and laws applicable to our operations and products, which may evolve from time to time; risks relating to our indebtedness and financing strategies; and adverse foreign exchange movements. More information on potential factors that could affect our financial results is included from time to time in our Securities and Exchange Commission filing and reports, including the risks identified under the section captions “Risk Factors” in our annual report on Form 10-K filed with the SEC on January 26, 2024 and subsequent quarterly reports on Form 10-Q. Tesla disclaims any obligation to update information contained in these forward-looking statements whether as a result of new information, future events or otherwise.

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10 points

That disclaimer looks hilariously terrible, but it’s pretty standard. For all his bluster about the SEC, Musk speaks securities law compliant hype fluently. Listen closely and you’ll notice all his future hype statements are carefully hedged and thoroughly fall within the bounds of “forward looking statement”.

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24 points

I know im a big nerd but "Musk also presented the Optimus robot, your plastic pal who’s fun to be with — “your own personal R2-D2, C-3PO!”.

Why would I need an astromech droid Musk? At least a GNK droid provides power. Stupid sexy gonk droid.

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25 points

Don’t have much use for a protocol droid either.

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6 points
*

Considering the important parts of that, aka the languages can be done by your phone sure. But it would at least have a minimal use. R2 d2 needs special attachments to serve drinks.

The cybertray, competitively priced at 4000$ and the reported risk of it breaking when wet is fairly minimal.

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20 points

What I really need is a droid who speaks the binary language of moisture vaporators.

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7 points

I need one with a sleeve mount that can dirty talk.

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10 points

i believe @self is writing one in Nix

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13 points

We have a protocol droid at home, it’s called curl.

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2 points

Robot Butlers, I’m pretty sure the Orville showed us how that turns out

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12 points

It’s like the behind-the-scenes of the making of a product has become the product and there isn’t anything else after it

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13 points

To the surprise of no-one: the robots were just mechanical turks.

https://jalopnik.com/teslas-beer-serving-optimus-robot-was-controlled-by-a-h-1851670923

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