To prevent a recurrence of cancer, my wife’s ovaries were removed and it has triggered menopause. We are in our mid 30s. It is a terrible business, with numerous symptoms like pain, discomfort, mood and attitude changes, and the like.
She is seeking treatments by her own idea, but that process has been extremely slow. In the mean time, all affection for me has completely evaporated and been replaced with anger, resentment, distance, and disrespect.
I know that she has no choice in what is happening to her, I know it is not her fault, I know she is barely able to control it, and I don’t blame her for any of it. And yet, this new person living with me refuses to interact with me at all unless it’s to chastise me for some perceived slight or criticize me for voicing my opinion.
I tried to express that I was feeling undesired and attacked but understood my plight was in no way similar to hers (nor as intense, serious, difficult, or important). I didn’t want her to apologize because it wasn’t her fault; I only wanted her to recognize that I was having feelings about what was going on.
She told me I had no right to those feelings, reminded me that what was happening was happening to her, and I should never bring it up again if I care about her at all.
So I’m seriously asking: What’s the trick here? Do I just wait it out? Am I even allowed to have these feelings? Or should I just shut my big, dumb, stupid mouth? I legitimately want to know how to navigate this because I seem to only be making mistakes.
Seek professional help. Have her find a good OBGYN and go over what’s going on with her body. Could be hormone imbalances or her mental state is affected from everything she’s been going through. Don’t take advice from random strangers here.
But by that logic, since you’re a random stranger, they shouldn’t seek professional help, since you suggested it!
Not following strangers advice != Doing the opposite of what strangers say
I went through menopause just a few years ago. It threw everything into an upheaval. Thank goodness I didn’t have a partner to be like this to, but therapy definitely helped. She is absolutely going through a lot, physically and mentally, and will be for years. I still have hot flash episodes for weeks at a time and it’s always different.
Your feelings are valid. You have every right to them. Just because someone is going through chemical changes in their body doesn’t mean they can abuse you like this. Telling you that you have no right to your feelings is emotional abuse and she has no right to do that to you. You both need help to get through this, whether separate or together, but this is all new and for you to be told to sit down and shut up is just heartbreaking. Everything happening to her is also happening to you because it seems to me that she’s taking it all out on you and yeah, that affects you.
You are not dumb or stupid. You are caring and sympathetic to what she’s going through, and she reacts to this with hostility and arrogance. I can’t imagine anyone is obligated to put up with that from anyone, for any reason. It might change in time, but not if she never acknowledges the validity of your feelings and your right to have them.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
This reply is on the short list for support and validation. I just wish I could get her to understand it this way.
I’ve heard couple’s counseling suggested a few times, but the last time I was finally able to get her to agree to go she said she felt attacked and ended up storming out without finishing the session, and that was before she underwent all this.
Just the other day I confronted her about being interrupted again before I could finish explaining my idea and that I was hurt because she had promised to work on doing that less. She said she interrupts me because my ideas are stupid, as if that validates her active. I told her that I thought she might’ve had a different opinion if I’d been able to fully explain my reasons but she cut me off again and insisted she’d firm enough information to judge me as wrong by the first half sentence I uttered. I told her that wasn’t even my point: that she’d promised to do that less, and I ended up sleeping on the couch.
I don’t know how to get through to her and she refuses to try counseling, asserting that she has no issues to work on.
If she’s been like this before she underwent all this, then she was already treating you very badly and recent events only made it worse. I’m not any kind of doctor so I won’t throw around diagnoses, but I recognize these behaviors from other people describing what they’ve experienced from people who were emotionally and physically abusing them. I’ve also experienced some myself from being emotionally abused and neglected.
This sounds like abuse to me. You are being abused and manipulated maliciously and therapy can help you get through this. I was diagnosed with cPTSD, complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is PTSD that happens after long term trauma (especially in childhood, which is mine). Years with an abusive partner could definitely affect you this way.
You deserve a life of happiness. The sooner you get into therapy, the sooner you can get to happiness, or at least away from abuse. You are not going to change her.
I’m a woman in her forties and maybe my perspective helps. What I’ve noticed about myself as I am approaching menopause is this: I won’t tolerate stuff that I don’t want. No compromise anymore. My body just won’t allow that I be in a place I don’t want to be in, with people I don’t want to be with, in conditions I don’t control … so I’m probably not a very nice person anymore in the way I used to be - but at same time feeling powerfully aligned with what I really want for myself, and walking out of situations that don’t serve me.
As women are still raised to please and support others many of us tend to wear ourselves out in caring for other people and their opinion, and when that falls away with menopause the results can be very painful for the person themselves and their families. This change in me killed my relationship, and I do feel very sorry how it all went down, but I was literally physically unable to stay and remain in this ‘wife’ situation that I tend to almost automatically create for myself when with a partner.
And for your situation as a partner: No, you never have to put up with your partner criticizing you all day and dumping their rotten mood onto you. That’s not acceptable for any reason.
I appreciate the insight. I really do get this, and I feel sorry that anyone would go through it, not just my partner.
Forgive me for saying so, but what you described sounds a lot like “you reach a point where you just can’t fake it any more.” Am I supposed to accept that my wife simply can no longer pretend to tolerate me? Have I been “the enemy” all along?
See a therapist. It’s great you feel comfortable reaching out to the community, but our time is fleeting and memories short. Going to speak to someone who is professionally trained to help people in these kinds of circumstances on a regular basis helps a lot.
As someone a little older and without a wife going through menopause yet, FUCK NO you are not wrong for feeling that.
She is going through the brunt and you seem to understand that from this post. That doesn’t mean you aren’t going through it too. Just like couples going through pregnancy, deaths, or other life events. It normally effects one more than the other, but it doesn’t mean the other partner isn’t going through issues. You are married. That means BOTH of you go through things together.
She is very much entitled to her selfishness for this period of time. I don’t have tips or tricks, but I will say avoid fights. Even if you both sometimes understand it’s just venting and neither of you mean what you say.
Try to pick up an unrelated hobby. Start taking walks. Public libraries have apps that let you checkout books, if you have a reading list. There might be a support group for men going through this. If there isn’t could you start one, because I have a feeling I will need it in a few years.
She needs support more than anything. That means not telling her some rando on the Internet agreed with you. Her body is crazy. My wife told me stories of other ladies going through it at her work. She asked questions and is not happy about what is on the horizon.If she doesn’t want you support though then focus on you. Draw a doodle.
