I’m 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.
I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I’ve tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.
I’m a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.
At this point I don’t see any reasons to continue trying.
If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.
But as for me, I’m so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.
Not to be “edgy”. It’s emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don’t enjoy/wish for human suffering.
I’ve just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.
I’m tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn’t wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.
If anything, I applaud it… I just want it all to stop.
Even on days when it’s okay, even when months pass and it all seems fine.
My paranoia won’t subside, even now I’m scared even though I’m safe in my home. If it all collapses, it all stops, I won’t have to be afraid anymore.
I recognize that! I wonder how long you’ve been in this headspace? Definitely cynical loop as someone else said. That edge isn’t you it’s your state of mind that you might be stuck in.
When I’m in the red zone I’m irritable, and my values are to be honest so I tend not to be a people pleaser by default. I wonder if you being a persistent people pleaser is a symptom of you being depressed rather than the fixed trait you might think of it is as. Self destructive behaviour like that can manifest from low mood states.
Oh man, I posted this so long ago, and I wish I could say things have improved, but they’re so much worse now. I was spiralling and made some really dumb decisions that have since cost me:
- my job
- my SO
- my best friend
Right now I’m genuinely waiting to die. I’m still too much of a coward to do anything myself but there is nothing left to fight for. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I’m beyond tired. I don’t even feel the pain anymore. I’m completely numb. Some people are simply too weak or broken to live, let alone to thrive. I feel sorry for stealing oxygen from more evolved and worthy creatures like, I dunno, gnats or earthworms.
Hey man, how ya doing? Making any progress? Making any progress on making progress …
The physical wounds have closed, but mentally I’m spiralling.
I had expected some… drawbacks from the operation but God, I wasn’t prepared to be treated as a literal moron. People see I don’t have teeth or they hear my speech impediment and they don’t even consider me human anymore. Especially at work. On top of that, my son who is being bullied at school got successfully baited by one of his bullies to do something stupid in front of the teacher and he might be expelled. Life’s just a lemon tree that bears fruit daily…
Well that’s all pretty horrible, not gonna lie. It sounds like it’s more important than ever to expand your horizons, do something different.
As far as the teeth, grow facial hair. I know you can get a 4on/6on post full implants for around $15’000 in Colombia. Brand new mouth. $400 for a hostel for 10 days, $600 round trip flight. Don’t know if that’s an option for you, but it exists.
I personally do not allow family members to be bullied, but I’ve led a different life. Partly why I am childfree. Get your kid a video camera, go pro something. Get evidence on the bully.
Don’t let the bastards wear you down. You absolutely cannot be beaten if you keep trying. It’s not our accomplishments that define us, it’s our failures and disappointments, and how we handle them, react to them, pick ourselves up (or lay down). Define the moment or the moment defines you. You’re done yet man, you’re not done yet.
Go do something stupid and fun with your son, something you guys normally wouldn’t do. Enjoy each other and the day
those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they
Only the successful ones. Pretty of low life arseholes that don’t. Also pretty of successful people that aren’t sociopaths.
But it’s a common thing for an empathic person with depression to wish their empathy away. Same thing with your twisted love for destruction. It seems fitting as it’s the antithesis of what you are, and you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t matter.
My advice try and get help, in the form of therapy or through your old friends. I know you feel like that’s over, but have you tried asking them for help?
Gl buddy. It’s a tough road, not easy to dig yourself out of. But funny give up just yet.
gang gang homie 🤙
I’m not going to promise you it will get better.
However, i admire that you’re even out there doing the thing after all the bullshit.
Go for a walk—preferably among greenery. Breathe the air. Take a few pictures of pretty things.
I’m lucky enough to have forest nearby.
Here’s one of mine:
