Hey.
I never lived in a city, not talking about the huge cities like London but average 50.000 to 150.000 people cities so I figured I’d ask people on here who actually lived in a city.
I grew up in a small town and now I built a home in a few miles away from where I grew up in another smaller town and everything would be cool if I wouldn’t have “fomo”.
My town has about 1000 people living and the next larger city has about 500.000 people (40 minute drive by car or 1 hour by train). And two other smaller cities with each about 75.000 people but only 25 minute drive by car.
Now that my wife and I have settled I can’t get rid of fomo feeling.
I catch myself thinking “man if would have built in the city,…” but my wife is right. We can’t afford property in a city and heck, even if we could afford it there is no property left to buy. And then when I visit the city to go shopping for clothes or just eat out I am always glad I can leave again.
But than I wake up the next day and would think it would be awesome to have a gym in the same block, a grocery store under my flat, a nice bar or coffee around the corner where I could socialize with others. But then my wife comes again with reality: “And it all costs money. You’d be broke two days after paycheck if you live in the city how you live in it while you visit it” and then she explains that life in the city isn’t all that great and I ain’t missing out because most people aren’t more social in cities than in our town or small city next to our town.
I imagine city life kind of vibrant though. “Hey let’s host a boardgame night” and 10 people showing up. But it might not be like how I imagine it? Is city life kind of overrated or am I missing out?
I go to the bigger city maybe once a month to go shopping for clothes I can’t get here. Like for example the skater shop a few brands. A few friends and I also take the train every half a year to party a night out but take the train back home. There are many things I also don’t like about the city, for example sometimes the smell, the homeless, the traffic, and I sometimes think I’d still need a car because of groceries, visiting family in the country side where I live now so I couldn’t sell my car anyways. Now that I have “settled” I shouldn’t be thinking about this anyways but there is always this feeling I am missing something. Maybe I should have lived in a city just for a year to experience it before building, but I never had the desire to. I was always happy leaving the city and I still am happy when I can leave after a whole day in the city but maybe I’d like it longer if I’d live in it?
This feels like a topic I am going to ignore til I am 85 and then add to a list of things I regret: “Never experienced city life when I was young”.
The only thing that makes me feel good though is that all my friends that currently live in cities are searching for property out of the city and want to move back where we all grew up and all of them saying I didn’t miss anything. My wife is also saying it, so I guess they might be kind of right. I am saying “kind of right” because this might be something that only one can judge for him/herself if city is good or bad. I feel like I have no opinion on this subject and this makes me crazy.
Edit: The only big city life experience I had was three months traveling through South East Asia where I stayed like a week in Bangkok and I remember many nights in Kao San Road partying. But that ain’t anything one can do every day in the city especially if you work. That was like vacation city experience and I sure do know I was glad when I left Bangkok. The next city experience I had was Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) in Vietnam which was okay but I left it after day 3 feeling drained. The best experience I had was in Singapore. But I figure after reading all about Singapore that no city in my country could keep up with Singapore. I think I’d like living in Singapore more than in Bangkok or Saigon lol. But even Singapore was really busy…
I moved to a city three years ago after living in an adjacent town for a decade. I realized I met nobody in the town much beyond the odd neighbour, and that’s because it was pretty conservative and they’d be nobody I’d associate with. I moved to the city and found a pile of like minded friends and am much happier.
I think it heavily depends on the other factors in your life and the lives of people you want to get go know : income, health,transportation, how much free time you and other people have. I loved the time I spend in a larger city, but I could not afford nor physically be able to do many of the things that I wanted to. The freedom and constant background of being near many strangers was excellent, and there were lots of possibilities for things to do, but they weren’t as feasible as they seemed. It didn’t work out much of the time because 1. I was broke and had limited good health days 2. Other people were also broke and extremely busy. Even free events come with other monetary costs and planning hiccups. So I think it just depends on where you prefer to live environment-wise and what you want to experience on a day to day, what you want to look at and hear outside. Cities are great if you can afford them. I enjoyed being there a lot. But It’s still logistically hard and often very expensive to socialize no matter where you live.
Sorry, I can’t read all that, so if some of this is already covered, at least you know why.
The answer to this question is “your mileage may vary”, as we sometimes say in my part of the world. There is 0% chance of any kind of consensus on this, because it all comes down to personal considerations and circumstances. If you want an answer that’s applicable to yourself, you’ll need to examine your priorities, circumstances, and considerations.
What makes me feel lonely is a lack of connection with nature and a lack of close relationships.
For people like me, city life is practically the definition of loneliness. Life in a large city was a special kind of hell. Life in a small city was bearable (but awful for other reasons besides loneliness but I won’t dive into that because it’s not what you’re asking about). Life in a rural area with lots of nature, good neighbors, and a small set of very close friends is what I prefer.
Living in a city is as lonely as you make it. There are less opportunities to run into the same people unless you spend time doing it. If you invest your time in going to groups, same locations or volunteering you will see people one time and won’t be able to build a friendship. Since there is so many people its easy to get lost in a crowd.
That being said any interest you have will have a group of people doing it. Which is a great way to make friends or at least entertain yourself. Events are the same way with lots happening within a city since that is where the people are. Events are easier to get to but due to the large number of things if you don’t spend time finding them the chances of running into something you like are low. So its easier to find something if you spend time doing it, but harder unless you spend the time.
I grew up in a city of 1M, moved to a city of 100K, moved to a town of 7K, and then back to the city of 100K at my wife’s behest. I was happiest in the town, because it was uncrowded and affordable.
she explains that life in the city isn’t all that great and I ain’t missing out because most people aren’t more social in cities than in our town or small city next to our town.
Your wife is completely right, in my opinion. Quite frankly, it comes down to what you make of it. If you don’t make the effort to make friends, it doesn’t matter where you are, you are going to be lonely. The bigger the city, there is going to be a better opportunity to meet people of your type, sure, but the odds of getting together regularly, let alone finding them, are slim because everyone is busy working to afford where they are.
it would be awesome to have a gym in the same block, a grocery store under my flat, a nice bar or coffee around the corner where I could socialize with others. But then my wife comes again with reality: "And it all costs money.
You are right, it would be awesome. And your wife is right, that setup is expensive AF. The people living that life are trust fund beneficiaries. But you should know the coffee shop is just a whirlwind of all the other people getting in, getting their morning stimulant, and getting out to get to their job to afford it all.
The time to have the city experience that you are wishing for was more than 30 to 40 years ago, when houses were affordable, and there was more free time, so you could afford to get together, and the odds of other people being available was greater again, because they could afford it too.
Your fomo is not just for another place, but for a bygone era.
There are many things I also don’t like about the city, for example sometimes the smell, the homeless, the traffic, and I sometimes think I’d still need a car because of groceries, visiting family in the country side where I live now so I couldn’t sell my car anyways.
Please believe me that this is the reality of city life today. I’m so glad you notice it. All of it is wearing.
I visit the city to go shopping for clothes or just eat out I am always glad I can leave again. […] I was always happy leaving the city and I still am happy when I can leave after a whole day in the city
IMO, you are getting a taste of the wear.
I feel like I [am not allowed an] opinion on this subject and this makes me crazy.
This is really where the problem lies I think. You have a dream you can’t shake, but all external signs are pointing to it not being a good one.
Can I give you some perspective from your wife’s side? My wife is a bit like you, trying to move to a bigger center for dream reasons.
It drives me crazy when she talks about moving to a bigger center that is unaffordable, and is not what it is cracked up to be. She even knows it, but still insists. Her dreams are not founded in the reality of our times, but that’s just my opinion. And it is wearing to have the same conversation about it over and over.
From one married guy to another, if your sex life, home life, and job life is otherwise good, for the love of god, try to invest in inventing something social where you are already at, to fill that missing piece. The city is a shitty, expensive, noisy place now. If your relationship with your wife is good, and you trust your wife, just believe her, she has your best intentions at heart. If you have all of that, and live away from it all, man, I envy you deeply.
