Why YSK: some very dangerous people and organizations use love bombing as a strategy to manipulate and recruit people. Love bombing is often an early warning sign for a traumatizing relationship, so it’s helpful to be able to spot the signs.
What it Is
Essentially, it’s when someone showers you with love and attention. It often includes a lot of reassurance that you belong with someone or in a group. It can include gifts, flattery, praise, and it usually includes a lot of excitement about your future together or with a group.
The catch is that the love bomb goes away, and you become devalued after the love bomb. This is usually followed by a “discard phase”, where if you try to confront the behavior, you are rejected and made to feel at fault. After you’ve become upset by this, they will often start the cycle again to keep your loyalty.
There are some really key warning signs to look out for:
- They give you gifts, especially random gifts
- They want all of your attention
- They’re desperate for commitment from you
- You feel pressure to not tell them no
- They constantly talk about how much they love you, how special you are, etc.
- You feel flattered but uneasy around them
- They want to know a lot about you very quickly
- They emphasize how much better everything is when you are with them
Where can I spot it?
Love bombing is very common in abusive and manipulative relationships. It’s also often noticeable in cult recruiting, when members are trained to shower you with love and affection.
What can I do about it?
It can be good to seek help from a mental health professional if you’re already hurt from the effects of love bombing. If you’re in crisis, consider contacting a local crisis or emergency line.
If you notice signs of love bombing, there are some strategies that often work to keep people safe:
- set firm boundaries early
- stay grounded (i.e., take their praise with a grain of salt)
- ask, “what might they want from this interaction?”
- end a relationship if it’s not working
- give as little information out as possible at the start of a relationship
- ask an objective 3rd party how they feel about your relationship with this person or group
More resources
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing https://www.choosingtherapy.com/love-bombing/
I feel like this can be age and maturity specific as well. When I was like 14 to like 21 I was a love bomber. I had never been in a real relationship and I didn’t understand how to express myself. To my misfortune, the only thing I had to go on was movies. It’s the same kinda situation like having unrealistic expectations about sex by watching too much porn. Because of this I always went over the top thinking that’s what you were supposed to do. I didn’t understand the differences between infatuation and love until I had my first real relationship. Put a lot of things into perspective after that and I realized how much of an asshole I was being.
You should definitely know the signs and should definitely do what is listed. I’m just saying sometimes it comes from confusion and ignorance and not just malice and manipulation. The issue isn’t black and white. But at the same time, even if someone is doing it out of ignorance I still believe everything above is true.
I’m not sure what my point is besides sharing my experience. I guess that sometimes the one love bombing might just be someone that is lonely and isolated and doesn’t know what to do. But that shouldn’t change how you react to them. Boundaries are important and this can easily be a very bad situation even if they are a good person.
It’s definitely hard to know when being overly enthusiastic ends and when love bombing begins. I agree that it isn’t always necessarily malicious but, as with most everything, clear open communication is the solution.
There was actually a great video released yesterday by TheraminTrees about this very subject. It really digs into how all ‘red flags’ don’t necessarily come from places of ill intent, but when the overall pattern unfolds it’s a bad sign.
I’m a former mormon, and I can tell you that love bombing (from a cultists perspective) is never from ill intent. They are just trying to share “the truth” and they believe that if you adopt “the truth” everything about your life will be made better.
If someone is love bombing you for an organization, first thing to do is investigate that organization. Read the stuff they don’t want you to read. Particularly, don’t pull that information from their media/materials. You should seek out the opinions of ex-members of the organization to get a real feel for what it’s all about.
For example, imagine if the rotary club was trying to recruit you. What do you think an exrotarian would say? Well, you can google it. And, surprise, it’s mostly “Yeah, I moved and just sort of lost interest”.
Now go visit /r/exmormon and see the miles of shit they have to say about previous membership.
That, to me, is the acid test. Are exmembers that way because it was just sort of a “meh” event. Or did they get there because the organization was abusive?
I once posted a comment to Reddit that was misinterpreted as supportive of fascism (can’t remember the comment but my wording must have been atrocious), and I experienced online love bombing from Nazis who were trying to recruit me into various groups. They were so nice, apart from the whole Nazi thing! It taught me something about how these groups recruit that I didn’t know before. They start by showering you with compliments and offers of friendship and invitations to join various “exclusive” online groups. If I had been the kind of person they thought I was, it would have felt so good to find all these new friends, much more exciting than just a political affinity. They really try to make you feel you’ve found your people, who value you. Anyway, I never really knew about this side of modern Nazism before. It’s quite culty. I didn’t join up, by the way.
This is why horseshoe theory is wrong, leftists would have engaged in debate until they found an ideological impasse then written you off as the wrong kind of leftist.
Thank you for posting this. Great info, and much-needed in a time when many people are feeling lonely and isolated.
Be careful, it’s also very common when falling in love.
I was just going to say the overlap with being head over heels for someone is huge here.
Well the positive part is. But if you are genuinely in love, you shouldn’t go through the whole cycle of being devalued and guilted.
OP, I love your posts and I find them very interesting.
I always feel better when I’m reading your fascinating content.
