Im introverted and have always enjoyed my solitude. Some people have complained that I don’t talk much, which is true, I don’t need to talk to feel good.
After changing workplaces, I decided to be proactive and introduce myself to my new coworkers. I was friendly and did it properly: my name, smiley face and what I do, eager to help them.
Some of them are friendly, greet back when I greet, but jesus christ, others outright avoid even eye contact with me like the plague, even though I kept greeting them for at least 2 more days.
Now I’ve returned the favor and I ignore them, not even asking them to do anything for me because last time I did, one of them said she would take a batch of documents to a nearby department but then outright ignored it and I had to do it myself.
It’s also a bit funny: 2 coworkers that the first day had small but normal conversations with me now look elsewhere when they see me… and I give them back the same treatment. Childish and petty? extremely, but I ask you: what should I do?
Introverted me says: what were you expecting? This is what people are, don’t bother trying to be extroverted, see what this brought you, return to your introverted self, do your job and go home, but this might sabotage me.
I confess neither do I know how to react when people are friendly when I’m talking to a coworker they like but the moment this coworker leaves, they turn to a mute.
To me, those of you who can play this silly workplace theater so well are geniuses. I cannot fake that a boring person interests me, nor can I fake respect for a person who treats me like I described.
I’d like to read your feedback.
IMO, you shouldn’t feel like you need to do anything outside of your comfort level; just follow basic social norms - if someone says hello, you say hello back and that’s all that’s expected. If you genuinely care what someone did on the weekend, ask. If you don’t care, don’t ask. I’m very friendly with people in my office, but not at all with others in my building. I don’t know them and don’t care too, unless/until we have to work together on something. Those people get a head nod if we pass in the hall, but I often carry a paper or folder with me so i can pretend to read it to avoid looking at people as we pass.
Hello fellow introvert. I too have struggled with these dynamics in the past.
Im introverted and have always enjoyed my solitude. Some people have complained that I don’t talk much, which is true, I don’t need to talk to feel good.
but jesus christ, others outright avoid even eye contact with me like the plague, even though I kept greeting them for at least 2 more days.
Sounds like you’ve met people similar to you. How would you prefer others handle you? I’m guessing it’s “ditch the small chat, and get to the point”. I’d say, treat these people like that. Focus all your conversations with them purely on the shared work and leave them alone otherwise.
I confess neither do I know how to react when people are friendly when I’m talking to a coworker they like but the moment this coworker leaves, they turn to a mute.
It’s likely that they have an established working relationship with the other person but not you and so they freeze up in a 1:1 scenario. Just continue to engage with them in group settings until you establish rapport.
It’s also a bit funny: 2 coworkers that the first day had small but normal conversations with me now look elsewhere when they see me… and I give them back the same treatment. Childish and petty? extremely, but I ask you: what should I do?
You don’t have to do much. Continue to be friendly with them and if they don’t reciprocate just engage with them on the work alone. If you need something from them, ditch the small talk, explain the problem clearly and explain what you need from them.
I think you’re trying to take a one size fits all approach here. You need to adapt to each individual. For those who want to be friendly and chatty, hit them up and engage with them. Find them to be boring? You pretend to care, ask them a few follow-up questions (people love to talk about their interests) and then glance at your watch and say “ugh, I’m really sorry to interrupt, I’ve got to <attend this meeting>/<finish this report>/<insert whatever it is you have due here>”.
not even asking them to do anything for me because last time I did, one of them said she would take a batch of documents to a nearby department but then outright ignored it and I had to do it myself.
From what little we have to go on this seems to be the culprit. While workplaces may seem like a microcosm of polite society there are ‘rules’. One of which is ‘do your own work’. If someone offers to do something because it just happens to be convenient for them that is one thing. Appearing friendly in an attempt to manipulate others to take on your responsibilities may not be your intention but it is what 90% of people are wary of at work. Be friendly, but do not ask for help until you are good friends and play the tit-for-tat game shrewdly.
You might want to read book and book, the latter being seminal in soft skills.
As an omnivert I can tell you just accept that some people won’t like you. Sometimes that can be a lot of people. Just remain calm and don’t take it personal, that’s important for your self respect but also because other people will treat you much better.
Leave the problems where they are. Some people like to take their frustrations out on a by them perceived to be lower status member of a group, and there’s various ways of dealing with that. A good start is to simply ignore it. The truth is that a lot of people kick down instead of look up, and you are free to judge them for that. If you are sure what you did was right, then stand by it.
There’s so much more I can say but you’ll want to start there in my opinion.
From what I’m reading, it seems more like you’re on the spectrum more than simply being introverted.
And what you believe to be introverted is more likely shyness and insecurity. Introverted is an overused word that has lost its original meaning. An introvert is someone who finds comfort and energy in doing isolated things. An introvert doesn’t explicitly have issues with socializing with people one-on-one or in small groups. You may in fact be both but you have not described introversion here.
I have a friend like you I’ve known for about ten years. At first, and pretty much until recently, he was very robotic and acted as if he were carrying out instructions he read about being a normal human. After enough time of faking it though, he’s more natural in his interactions - though still awkward.
So, my advice is to try acting like a normal person while slowly exceeding the restrictions your insecurity permits. Don’t expect others to willfully engage with you right away - they too may suffer from what holds you back. I would venture to guess, given how social interaction has changed in the last twenty years, most people are more similar to you than not.
Seems like you’re on the right path so far by introducing yourself. Don’t be a dick. Don’t be pushy or clingy. Relationships and trust take time to build. Give it room to breathe.
Try to find new hobbies that promote in-person out-in-the-open social interaction and build your confidence around others you share common interests with. This will help build your confidence around others like your coworkers.
Also, know yourself and your place. There might be something about you that people generally aren’t comfortable with. Being too anxious to form relationships could be one. Maybe you need to work on your hygiene or maybe word got out that you stole someone’s lunch or maybe someone heard you taking a massive dump one day or maybe they found out about your political or religious positions or they resent you for being hired for some reason. It might be something other than you being shy and insecure.
