It is emotional abuse. Just like it’s still assault if a veteran with night terrors gets a adrenaline rush while waking up at night and beating the wife sleeping next to him in his confusion. It is not intended, but the damage is done. And it’s done by the veteran; or the wife in the OP.
The emotional abuse may be coming from a deep emotional wound, but it’s on her to fix it. She gets to keep her shards, or attempt to fix herself. By choosing to not work on herself she effectively chooses to burden the people around her. And they have no obligation to keep her around.
We all burden each other with stuff constantly. It’s on her to fix it but fixing yourself is impossible tlsince their is no template for what fixed looks like.
It’s also on the husband as much as it is the rest of us to see what level of burden we are willing to take on for those we care about. That’s humanity.
fixing yourself is impossible since their is no template for what fixed looks like.
This is nonsense. Self-improvement is possible based on your own or societal standards.
Society does not have the end-all of best of humanity in mind. Often it just means productive at work and cares little for your well being.
You can self improve but that’s not fixing anything. That’s just getting better at not being a burden to others. But the burden is the point. We are all in it together and are a burden on each other. But we do it anyways.
Don’t tell people that they can be “fixed” that is nonsense and just makes them feel more of a burden without the kindness.
what they mean by that is “there is only an increasingly less problematic state” you can be in, you cannot achieve “perfection” there is no “correct” model, there are only “ideal models” which cannot be achieved, and merely working towards that, is good enough
People are flawed, some people work through those flaws, some people work around those flaws, and some people just live with them. You cannot get rid of them however, they will forever be a part of your lived experience, and necessarily influencing your psyche. Whether for good or bad, it’s always present.
We all burden each other with stuff constantly.
You might want to think about how you view others. If everyone around you takes their relationship with you hostage, or worse their life, then the people around you are constantly taking advantage of you. On the other hand if you think of others as burdens constantly you need to change the people around you. Go to a different setting, a club or something were different people hang around.
It’s on her to fix it but fixing yourself is impossible tlsince their is no template for what fixed looks like.
Oh cool, I finally have the argument I can use when screaming at my wife.
Sorry for that, but your sentence is just nonsense. Worse even, it’s an excuse. I get the feeling behind it, but she is the one who needs to seek help. Nothing will stick if she doesn’t want it.
It’s also on the husband as much as it is the rest of us to see what level of burden we are willing to take on for those we care about. That’s humanity.
No longer a husband. She filed for divorce, remember? Also: even if he still was, he cannot take responsibility for her mental health. He can help, but never do it himself. That’s 100% on her. She can accept help, but it’s a thing she has to do herself. Everything else would be manipulation on her.
Now you spin this as a failure to provide assistance, but that’s not what’s happening in the story. She doesn’t ask for help, she severes the bond.
No, I don’t think of it as a failure to provide assistance I think we choose the burdens we are ok with and you don’t have to aim to fix everything. We can’t fix dyslexia or genetic disorders, and we don’t just demand they figure it out to change nothing.
And it’s not so easy to just pick to be better and yes she has to do things herself. We all do. It it’s not over or even done when they decide to get better. And it is still on the rest of us to accept the burden of their issues to make life safe for them as well.
I point out that you give love first. You accept that people are broken and you love them anyways. I don’t want vapid relationships that only go surface level so that they can never burden me.
Oh cool, I finally have the argument I can use when screaming at my wife.
Ok wow. That’s a takeaway to being told that their is no such thing as perfect or fixed. That’s in you for wanting it as an excuse to be worse.
I disagree, I don’t think these two are comparable.
Physical violence cannot be undone. Saying that you want to leave someone, and then breaking down upon noticing your mistake is something that can be talked through. If someone beats you, and says it was an accident, you’ll still be bruised and feel unsafe around them, even if you understand them and have empathy for them. On the other hand, if you understand and have empathy for a partner that said they would leave you because they honestly though you would be happier without them, you can help them get better and move on.
Physical violence cannot be undone.
Neither can emotional manipulation. You cannot see the scars, but they will bear a violent fruit.
Saying that you want to leave someone, and then breaking down upon noticing your mistake is something that can be talked through.
Don’t be a doormat for emotionally unstable people. There can be a conversation, a couple counseling or something, when people talk to each other. Putting signed divorce papers in the other persons hand is a gesture, not a conversation. There is nothing left to be said.
If someone beats you, and says it was an accident, you’ll still be bruised and feel unsafe around them, even if you understand them and have empathy for them.
Yes, trust can easily be broken by physical violence. It can also be broken by the spoken or written word.
On the other hand, if you understand and have empathy for a partner that said they would leave you because they honestly though you would be happier without them, you can help them get better and move on.
Oh, it sounded like the husband would be responsible for her mental health, but this is about helping? Then yes, you can help someone get better. If she works on herself to get better you can help her.
Just like you can help a veteran with PTSD. If they work on themselves so they can get better.
i think in a strict sense, they are necessarily the same, primarily because time moves forwards, and you cannot move backwards. Physical violence is arguably worse than emotional abuse, but it depends on the severity.
Punching someone in the face is probably worse than a weird emotional breakdown. But gaslighting someone and emotionally abusing them over the course of a few years is probably worse than punching them.
It’s entirely relative. Emotional abuse is often harder, and more complicated to deal with, physical violence is often extremely apparent. (the reason it’s problematic most of the time is because of emotional abuse)