I’ve been leaning more towards the “not” side for a while. A frequent thought is “I don’t want to live like this anymore, and if this is the only way I get to live, maybe I don’t want to live.”
I’ve tried, believe me, nothing works. Therapy doesn’t do shit, medication doesn’t do shit, I’ve been like this for ten years now and it just keeps getting worse. Seems like there’s no way out but the easy way out.
So I have treatment resistant major depressive disorder. I didn’t get relief for my depression until I was thirty-four. With my medical history and trauma background, only one in ten people matching my description make it to adulthood.
Lemme tell you, I kept trying new things, kept trying new meds, kept doing it even though it was exhausting and awful and I would rather have been dead. And finally, I found something that worked for me. And now! I can say that it was actually worth it. All that time I spent in the hell of every day, in the “nothing can be worth this,” it all paid off.
I’m not saying you should do or not do something. I just wished someone could tell me, then, that it would’ve been worth it. So I’m trying to say to you, that someday, it might.