One painful firmware update later and the z-offset bug that has plagued me since getting the Neptune 4 Pro is finally resolved and first layers are good again just like that. I just had to share the thrilling end result.
Haha thankfully the first layer really was flawless, but I had to cancel this print for unrelated reasons pretty soon after posting anyways. Turns out I was so excited to finally get printing again, I forgot to re-enable supports in the slicer after the last thing I printed a while ago didn’t need them.