[Transcriber’s note: I will be using “[f-slur]” to represent the homophobic slur beginning with f which can also mean a “bundle of sticks”. I’ll keep any conjugations of it outside the square brackets.]
That [F-slur]: This guy gives a bad name to [f-slur]s everywhere. He had no concept of personal space and no concept of “I’m not gay.” Thankfully, he did have a concept of “If you touch me there again, I’m going to pummel you and file a sexual misconduct suit.” I suppose I’d be flattered if it was a woman, but god damn, this guy was a fucking creeper. It didn’t help that his character was what I called OOCly “The Date Rape Psion.” Seriously, That [F-slur] would probably turn people homophobic if they’d never met a normal gay guy before.
Me: I was making high charisma, Trapmaking/disabling and UMD focused rogue, but I was flatout told, in so many words, that I needed to make a minmaxed, powergamey character or I wasn’t going to get to play. I took offence, so I made a Wizard, stereotypical in dress from the conical hat to the robes and tiny glasses. I wanted to give him a beard, but apparently in his setting, elves can’t have facial hair, so I said his eyebrows grew down to his belt. It was an old fossil of an elf from back when magic was the milk and honey of the world and was going to recruit anyone he saw with even a modicrum of magical talent in an ill-advised attempt to save the practice of magic in a world of pervasive psionics by showing up on random people’s doorsteps, telling their children that they were wizards, and spiriting them a way to a permanent greater demiplane with a castle where his cohort would teach them magic. If you get the joke, you’re smarter than most of this group. Most of my feats were item creation ones so that I could have the wands and staves that I loved to have in my arsenal.
It wasn’t a good start. I was already being an asshat because I got sand in my cunt over being told to minmax or gtfo, and Fish-face and That [F-slur] were annoying as fuck too, which was adding to my ire.
We finally start the session. We congeal off the walls of a high-end tavern in some urban area. some plot, and then we go wandering about, I spellcraft and detect magic every apprentice-aged kid I see and try to discretely determine if they have any talent. The GM blocks this at every turn for understandable reasons; I mean, it would derail things. Yet, at the same time the Date Rape Psion was dragging NPCs off all the time and attempting to describe all the terrible things he was doing to them. I told him to knock it off more than the GM did, and the GM sent me a few warning glances about it, but seriously, I don’t need to hear about the Date Rape Psion unleashing all his fetishes on villagers. The Date Rape Psion also harrassed my character ICly, but I slapped a Protection from Evil on myself and he couldn’t physically touch me for a while. I ended up making it permanent later because I knew the little fucker was counting down for the spell to expire so he could get on with touching my wizard inappropriately. Thankfully I packed a lot of diamond dust with me for some of my more powerful magic and so I could see what I could do with the GM’s very generous permanency house rules.
The “Fiery Tempered” Wilder Sue gave my character flak, calling him a pedophile ICly with great vindication as if it was the scummiest act imaginable, which was funny coming from a Drow. Granted, I suppose some of his stuff with scouting students could appear a bit like that, but dear, swewet Jesus, why target me and not the Psion who was sneaking off to rape NPCs whenever we were pausing to investigate something? The Wilder continued to lambast me for reasons I didn’t really understand, with which I retaliated with a long winded pontification about how magic was dying and why it needed to be passed on. This had a lot of old-man ramblings about the good ol’ days with lots of Patridge Farms references and I ate up a lot of time with that. Although, I did stop to occationally note that my character was indeed going about his business and proceeding towards the obvious goal of the current plot point.
It was about a minute into my good ol’days spiel before she started to talk over me with this weird line of dialogue. It was like she was projecting her hate for an ex onto my wizard and DARVO-ing the fuck out of him, which got confusing fast, so I used Message cantrip to talk in her ear about the good ol’ days and leave the general area so my wizard would be out of earshot. Yeah, I know message establishes a two-way conversation, but I argued that because magic was so obscure now, like someone being fluent in Esperanto in Asia, that she wouldn’t know how without a spellcraft or knowledge arcana check of some kind. Fortunately, she didn’t have either trained and I got to be petty and talk about the good ol’ days without having to listen to her ICly or- thanks to the GM- OOCly either. I only kept it up for a couple minutes and went back to the plot right aftewards.
The Wilder tried to PK me about ten minutes later when I rejoined the group after a brief detour. Apparently she was incensed at the fact that I found a cheap way to make it so that I didn’t have to listen to her but could prattle on like the old man my character was. Luckily, I hadn’t been flatfooted, having good sight of her, and won the initiativen. So, I beat her stupidly high spell resistance and turned her into a newt, because my wizard was all about the classics. One mage hand later, and I held her newtified character in my hand and decided that I’d talk about about why the Newt Baleful Polymorph was such a classic. The Date Rape Psion and the Monk Psion both decided to defend her character and demanded that I release her at once. Not wanting everything to devolve into fighting, I played it off as if my Wizard thought that they wanted her released into their custody and told them that they looked like they could “handle any of the kid’s hissy fits.” He handed her over and began to walk off, “Forgetting” to undo the effect. They cleared their throats and got his attention about it, and I told them that they could hire a court mage to dispell it and they reminded me that mages were almost extinct. Oh! I then dispelled the baleful polymorph and went “silly me” and moved on. I think they were all pretty upset save the Magus who was being all sage and witch-doctor like in the background of all this and trying to keep the peace like a good guy…
Fish-Face, No-Chin, and That [F-slur] were clearly plotting since they’d take breaks to go off and huddle and were passing notes during the session in what they probably thought was a discreet manner. Maybe it’s my trained eye for catching students texting, but they were really obvious about it. I figured they were going to gang up on me at some point, so I just kept a scroll of plane shift in one hand in case I had to escape, figuring being a wizard would let me excuse just happening to have a scroll ready. Fortunately, whatever was going to happen was put off when what was apparently the BBEG showed up to cause havoc and monologue at us. We were told that his “awe inspiring feats of psionic power” were terrifying even to the likes of us blah blah blah, we’re obviously not supposed to fight him because he’s too powerful. I would later find out that he was some level 40 psion/some psionic prestige class. Apparently he was trying to turn psions against non-psions blahblahblah, okay, he’s a psion-supremicist not!Magneto.
Fish-Face tries to get my wizard killed by the BBEG by attacking him and rolling bluff to make it look like it was me before cheesing it. No-chin and That [F-slur] soon follow. The Good Guy Landwhale stays for like a round before he gets out of there too after my wizard assuring him that he’d be fine and to go. I was only really worried about losing my gear since I had a cloning lab set up in my Demiplane and would just appear there with a couple negative levels and no items, not that the others knew that. Those dicks just wanted my character to die. The BBEG looks at me and asks who dared to attack him. I played the part of a senile old man picking up his scrolls and looking through them while failing to make a coherent statement. While doing this, I ask the GM for a planes check so that what I’m about to do isn’t metagaming. My obscenely high planes roll let me know, in the GM’s Words “Everything about the Plane of Force” which was the specific plane that I wanted to know about. I manage to get out a read magic in the meantime which the GM is nice enough to not make me roll init for, and I activate a scroll of Time Stop that I had retrieved in the confused old man act. I get lucky on the roll and I’ve got five rounds to do whatever in. So what do I do? I cast planar adaptation on myself, pull out a scroll of gate, and slide on over to a specific point in the Plane of force, the point that psions that biggest psionic connection is.