For context I’m not out to anyone and I still boymode (6months HRT)
I was at a party in a bar with friends 1 month ago, we took pictures together and posted them in a discord server, immediately a dude “V” asked if I was a real femboy. So now I have people asking me about it and I didn’t reply.
Yesterday I had an eyelid surgery and I sent a picture in the group with my eye patch just for fun and V immediately went “yeah you’re 100% a femboy I was certain of it” (in another language) and people AGREED???!!
I don’t know what to do, on one hand I want to be a woman not a boy or a man, but on the other, since I probably won’t pass until I get FFS I might as well say I am a femboy in the meantime, this way I can pretend to be a man and still wear what I want?
I’m not sure I would get treated better than if I was out as a trans woman. Feminine men get a lot of shit. But femboys seem to be trendy enough to be seen as weirdly cool. Idk…
I know. Kinda jealous lmao. Ive been doing hrt for a little longer and noone has mentioned i look feminine. :(
Try not to compare yourself to ppl, besides I don’t look as fem as you think I do I still get violently SIIIIR’d.
The femboy thing is likely because:
- I wear nail polish all the time
- I voice train all the time so my voice is relatively high pitched.
- I epilate everything
- I know and meet a lot of people it’s kinda bound to happen in those circumstances.
I will admit that HRT did do it’s job, but before V said anything no one told me I looked fem.
There is also the possibility that your friends don’t see you changing, if you knew them pre transition and still see them regularly they might not notice, but if someone new is brought into the equation then it might happen. You’re a trans woman even if you don’t pass you’re still miles more feminine than any other cis dude around you!💜
I feel weird about these kinds of things people say.
I get it’s coming from a kind place, and I guess that for some people it might help and give them strength to keep going, but for me… It feels like being coddled.
Let me make my position very clear, I’m talking about the conflation of what you are with how you look.
Not all women look femme. And while OP has expressed in other comments that she has feminine characteristics (while she discounts them, despite being important (hey OP, a feminine voice is a Very feminine thing to have, it might contribute a lot to you being seen as a femboy)), you haven’t seen how she looks in order to call how she looks ‘femme’.
How I personally feel
Femme means something specific. I’m a slightly dysphoric enby, who looks more masc than I want, and when people who know, try to tell me I look femme, I (do get euphoric, and then) ask them why. And honestly, if they don’t have a good vibe of understanding what they’re saying, it feels disingenuous, and it feels bad. Like a confirmation that they don’t see the femme parts that are here.
On top of everything else, people could still be in the process of becoming what they want to look like. I personally prefer to hear others’ honest impressions, in order to understand how to better change, if I so desire. I guess there’s a need for both feedback and validation, and I prefer that each person give of what they actually have to give, what they actually do think.
To OP:
OP, stay strong, it sounds like you’re making some tough decisions, based on your living conditions. I do think that, if you can’t actually come out as a trans woman, coming out as a femboy might make you go through 2 easier, but still difficult situations, rather than one very difficult one. Coming out is never over anyway, and details always change in one’s life, but do the best your senses tell you you can do, they’re usually your best bet, since you know your life. Your gut can take a lot more information in to make a decision, than other people can, or even your logical side can. You sound like you have the perseverance for this. Good luck, and have fun with your journey!
Fair point. I guess I was using femininity and femme interchangably without realizing it. Not all women express their femininity through being femme.
If you’re looking for tips on femme styling or makeup, I can maybe help you out. I’ve somehow come to terms with, and even like, how femme I’ve made this later in life 6ft frame of an ogre.
OMG thank you so much that was so kind and informative 💜💜💜
And yeah I agree having people that know about your gender identity tell you that you look fem without justification feels like they’re just trying to please you. In that sense not being out as a trans woman is great because people comment on your femininity and you know it’s genuine even though it can be used as an insult (call me a lesser man I’ll nearly enjoy it lmao).
And yeah hang in there Hugu it’s not easy, I’m sure you’ll look the way you want soon enough!💜 Can I ask if you are considering HRT?
Really kind comment, thanks a lot! ☺️💜
