If everywhere you go smells like shit, check your shoe.

I hope someday to have as much self confidence as someone who lists a “slightly shat” chair for $75.

I’m gonna release a AAAAA game. It’ll cost $95 and when you install it, it’ll just be a romhack of Super Mario World changing all the enemy sprites into butts. There’ll be a link to file complaints that just points to a terrible image made in ms paint that says “lol f u”.

My stock prices gonna hit the moon.

If X suspends your account, you’re probably doing something right.

My preferred version:

Two sausages are sitting in a frying pan. One looks over to the other and says, “Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?” The other sausage looks back and says, “AHHH! IT’S A TALKING SAUSAGE!”

So they finally upgraded it.

millennials aren’t picking up the slack

Wine is a luxury industry. There is no “slack” to be picked up.

Obligatory: fuck Nestle

“My loyalty belongs to the highest bidder.”
– Trump (paraphrased)